One Year Anniversary

The Boyfriend Gets a Mention

I’ve blogged about past dates on and off for the last year but have always tried to refrain from mentioning my boyfriend.

But today I’m changing that.

Boyfriend kissFor one blog post only

Today is our year anniversary and that is a  big deal for us. I’d never had a proper boyfriend before him. He’d never had a relationship longer than a couple of months before me and neither of us are young enough for that to be “normal”. For the two years I was online dating he was the first guy to get beyond three dates. Every guy on my blog has a nickname. On the rare times I tweeted about him he was Snake Man.

These days I call him Banjo.


Tonight we’re recreating our first date, only this time we’re getting the bus together, going to the bar where I changed into my date shoes together and we’ll go back to mine together too.

Sometimes you read people’s relationship beginnings and they talk about an instant spark, a heady romance, how they were inseparable from the first hello.

It wasn’t like that with Banjo.

But before I get into that I’ll tell you about before our dinner date. Dating, especially online dating, can be soul destroying. You get hurt, jaded, confidence drops and sometimes you have to take a break – which never seems to last as long as you thought it would.

I’d been through it all but a year ago I was in a good place. I’d had my dating break and I knew that whatever happened it would be okay. I liked me again.

On the date we chatted and he was nice but there was no major spark. But there was no reason not to meet again either. In the past I would have said after one, maybe two dates, if it wasn’t setting me alight then it wasn’t worth continuing but I gave him a chance.

He asked me out again.

Second date. The bad date.

I wanted him to give me those accidental touches that made me feel something. None of that. In fact, during the date, he took me to a cookware shop because he needed a new oven dish!

I joke now that I got a better response from the cute stranger who passed me at the end of the date than I did from Banjo. But it’s no joke. He seemed to have no attraction to me and I walked back to my car disheartened.

Had Banjo texted me that day asking me out again it would have been a no. But he didn’t. He sent me general texts and being polite I replied. When he asked me out for a third date two days later I couldn’t say no, I’d texted myself into a corner.

The third date happened and still no spark but there was still no reason not to date. As it happens he was feeling the same. The best thing about that date was I caught my first Pikachu on the way home.

Fourth Date

I have no reason why we went on a fourth date, except he asked me. I wanted to do something different and he was on board. We started with pudding then went to a comedy show, then went out for poppadoms.

This date changed everything for him. Suddenly he felt that spark. He put his arm around me during the comedy show and I felt something but I wasn’t sure it was enough. But it wasn’t enough to stop dating either. I’d never given any guy this many chances.

I remember that my friends, family and even twitter were crucial for me in those days. I was regularly expressing my confusion and getting a variety of advice back. Thank you to all who listened to my ramblings during this time. I owe you.

Date 4.5 happened. I was writing in a coffee shop and he asked if he could join me for half an hour. He was keen but I was still struggling with mixed feelings.

Date Five

It was suddenly upon us and it was during this date that I decided I had to tell him it wasn’t working. During the date he said he didn’t like to be teased. I love to be teased. Clearly we weren’t right for each other.

He was lovely and caring but I couldn’t keep this endless round of dates going. It was time to say goodbye.

In the car, outside my house, we talked for an hour. I explained how I felt and for the first time I saw a very different Banjo. He was funny, sexy and relaxed. The tension had gone. The Banjo in front of me was a guy I’d be happy to get to know better.

And so I did.

Within a fortnight he’d cooked me a roast – that’s a big deal for someone who never saw her dad cook for her mum! I stayed over at his house because he wanted me there and I didn’t want to go home. He even gave me my own toothbrush head!

He met my best friend. We spent my birthday together, we took our first selfie. He tolerated me shouting the pisstake “relationship goals” at him at random opportunities.

BoyfriendBut also I’d never been in a relationship before and I was terrified. We worked through it and all the other issues. Life has moved on and somehow we’ve made it to a year.

Banjo isn’t my obvious type but he’s not the opposite of it either. He’s the man I want to be with and he has something that I always said I needed in a guy but never believed I’d find.

He’s patient.

I can be annoying, grumpy, hard work and exhausting. I also think I’m funny as f***. He puts up with everything and he revels in it too, albeit with a bit of a sigh at times.

Is he perfect? Hell no. Am I? Ummmm.

He even puts up with my incessant need to spank him on the bum whenever he bends even slightly. A “No,” might roar from his mouth, between chuckles, as he quickly tries to get from under his desk because he’s heard my footsteps sprinting across the wooden floor.

We’ve had our ups and downs. We’ve learnt what a relationship means to us. At the moment we’re debating moving in together. In some ways it’s a no-brainer but we’re also protective of our space. I believe it will happen before the end of the year but who knows? We may not be together in a year, I’m clueless about this stuff.

What has this relationship taught me?

That a lot of what happens in the dating world is luck. I know we’d never have met each other in real life. At any point we could have said in our early days of dating that it wasn’t working. And if I’d met him three years earlier I probably would have given up before 4/5 dates. When it comes to dating we can be quick to find the faults and not the good points, even in a profile.

Love dating boyfriendThere are no hard and fast rules in dating. Every situation is different. I’m glad we gave each other a chance when not many had given either of us chances before. I got lucky and so did he.

Honestly, I never expected to find a boyfriend that I liked. I went on a lot of dates but I’m genuinely surprised I ended up with someone. I got lucky.

Sorry if you found this post soppy, annoying or a waste of time.

But for once I wanted to talk about my boyfriend Banjo. If you want to share your own dating stories or thoughts then you can do it via the comments section or via my Facebook page or Twitter page.

M is for Make a Date: The Bad

The First Date

The first date can be a game changer. I was once asked by a potential if I was ready to go on the last “first date I’d ever go on”. Sadly it wasn’t my last first date, it was just my first and last date with him. At times I’ve longed not to have to go on any first dates again but they’re not all bad.

My Rules

The first decision you need to make is when do you ask or when do you agree to go on one. One of my rules (note I say my rules, I’m not saying it has to be your rule) is to chat for a week via text and speak on the phone at least once before the date. The phone call is partly to make me less nervous and in the case of Horny Harry it made him a bit more relaxed too. It also gave me the opportunity of talking him out of wearing a suit and tie on our first date!

Dick pic dateThe texting “rule” is more about filtering out the guys with I have nothing to talk about with after a couple of days. Again it helps me reduce the anxiousness and I can trust them a little bit more. For me texting is about using my instincts to work out if they’re freaky weird like Dipstick Dan. There’s another reason, you might end up thinking I’m a weird one after this but then if you hadn’t realised that yet then you need to work on your own instincts.

I think that if a guy can’t text for a week on and off (not every hour) then he’s probably not that fussed. Some may think it’s a bit of a controversial plan. But this is a rule for me because I know me quite well and it has worked for me.

However if you’ve been texting for a couple of months and haven’t met then I’d cut your losses. If you haven’t met by then for any really good reason, like they’ve been recovering from malaria, then move on, it’s never going to happen.

Lazy Larry

One guy I texted back and forth with finally asked me out on a date after three months. I’m not sure why the contact had continued for that long, boredom and loneliness were probably factors. Lazy Larry finally asked me out when he found out I wrote erotic fiction and saw a photo of me in sexy fancy dress. Apparently that was the “perfect combination”.

We were due to go on our first date the next weekend. On the day of the date he texted me.

Larry: I don’t think I’m going to be able to make it tonight as I’m really hungover after a crazy night out. I want you to see me at my best and this isn’t it. Can we postpone?

So we did but when that day arrived, four hours before we were due to meet, he texted me again.

Larry: I’ve only just got home from work and I don’t think I can make it on time to meet you.

Lazy Larry lived less than thirty minutes’ drive away. What was going to take him four hours? Had he changed his mind about dating me? I’ve no idea because even though he told me to text him and let him know when I was next free I didn’t bother. I didn’t hear from him again. One excuse I can live with and the work one had been fine if I’d understood why four hours wasn’t long enough to get ready and come to town. But when combined with the hangover excuse I couldn’t muster the excitement to meet him.

What do you like to do on a first date?

Everyone has their own idea for what makes a good first “blind” date. One piece of advice is don’t bother with the cinema. Talking be impossible. And if you get nervous being in enclosed dark rooms then not being able to see more than your date’s knee out of the corner of your eye isn’t going to help. Go for a drink and if it goes well maybe stay for dinner and even a walk.

crazy golf dateI like an activity on a first or second date. For you dirty minded readers I’m not talking sexy time activities. On first dates I’ve played laser quest and crazy golf followed by drinks. It eased tension when we chatted later, led to some laughs and revealed a lot about my date’s competitive nature. And if nothing else came of the date at least we had some fun.

Maybe you lean to something else for a first date, try suggesting it to your potential. It might open up a lot of possibilities.

Please tell me either in the comments section or via my Facebook page or Twitter page about your first dates; the good the bad and the ugly.  For me Lazy Larry was a bad date but next week I tell you about the ugly date. I’ve named him Jimmy Jerkoff. The good is still to come though.


L is for League System and System of Three, part 2

The System of Three Explained

In my last post I shared my meeting with Bratwurst Brad and asked you how many potentials do you talk to and what is the optimum amount. Brad had a theory for this, it was the system of three. In this system you should only be chatting to three potentials at one time.

There was a bit more to his theory. If your talking to three people, exactly how do you see them? Do you have them in an order of preference?

Potential 1 – As I like to call them, the champagne

dating systemThis is the one you really like. If they asked you out you’d probably drop everything. It’s likely they’re the potential you think about the most and the one you really want to get a rush on with and date.

Potential 2 – Sparkling Wine

They’re not your favourite but you like them and if they asked you’d go on a date with them, unless Champagne asked first.

Potential 3 – Fizzy Grape Juice

You like them but they’re someone you’re happy to pass the time with. If Champagne suddenly became available then you’d ditch the juice immediately.

Brad shared with me a story about his friend, Hank the Monkey, who found himself at a potential’s house for a date one night. It was a bit last minute but that was okay with him and she looked stunning. It was a sexy but demure dress that covered her curvy figure, the sort of outfit a woman might wear on a special night out. The hair and makeup suggested she was going to the Ritz for dinner not a night in. sexy league dress, systemHer kids were away overnight too. But she hadn’t done all this for Hank. Her Champagne had cancelled so she invited Sparkling Wine round instead, maybe even Grape Juice. Hank didn’t know where he fell in her system of three.

As Brad told me this story and passionately spoke of the system of three I was left with two thoughts:

  • Brad was definitely not my champagne

  • What did I rank as for Brad? Was I his grape juice?

In the end it didn’t matter because nothing came of us and a month later I met champagne, aka Mr Fumble.

Do you believe in leagues?

The system of three was very relevant to my online dating for a while. As is the league system. I genuinely believe that when it comes to dating and attraction some men are above me league wise and some below. Online dating, for me, has sadly been affected by this belief. I say sadly because I have spent too much time thinking about it. I’ve ignored the person behind the label I’ve given them.

A while ago I dated a guy who I arrogantly thought was lower than me in the league system except he wasn’t. This guy was wonderful and it made me realise that too often I may have missed out on one of the good ones because I was too busy making preconceptions.

league, leagues, different, geekyLeagues can be affected by lots of things including looks, body shape, experience (too much or too little), sense of humour, geekiness, sports prowess, boobs, penis size, shyness, if they have kids, age, teeth (some people have major teeth issues), and so much more.

So how do I summarise all of this for online dating and potentials? Ignore the league system and chat to who you like. Take a chance on someone for more than just their profile picture or how they match your tick boxes. You may find your champagne when you least expect it.

Do you believe in leagues or dating theories? Tell me what you think either in the comments section or via my Facebook page or Twitter page.

L is for League System and System of Three

Bratwurst Brad and His League System

dick pic, leaguesEarly on in my dating adventures I met Bratwurst Brad. He was nice enough, although a bit cocky for me, he seemed to strut around like a peacock on parade. On our first date I broke a lot of my “rules”. There are things I make sure I do or don’t do in order to keep safe but on this occasion I failed miserably. Thankfully I was lucky and didn’t get hurt. Our Saturday afternoon date was a one off due to the lack of spark. I doubt I was experienced enough for him and I needed someone who was more open and caring.

I can’t remember details about his family or even his whole name. However, something he shared about leagues lingered in my head significantly longer than he did. Brad shared with me the league system of three.

The idea of this system was that every person online dating should only focus their efforts on three people at a time and no more than these three. That makes sense to me for various reasons.

How many potentials are you chatting to?

Firstly the more prospective dates you talk to at once the more complicated it gets. If you want to see if someone is what you’re looking for and a person you might want to go on a date with then you need to get to know them and give them some of your time. It’s like you’re juggling, sooner or later your balls are going to drop. In the long run you might have lost an important person because you were too busy with lots of people that you’ve forgotten about already.

LeagueCompare it to standing in a bar. Over an hour you talk to fifteen different potentials. You can’t give them each enough time to make an impact or make an impact yourself. You’re barely going to remember their name let alone their hobbies, what they might do for work and what makes them tick. A spark can be instant but good foundations with dating involve getting to know someone properly and giving them time and respect.

Online dating shouldn’t be a competition. Sometimes it might feel like the person you’re speaking to has a collection of potentials lined up like puppies at a rescue home and you’re desperately trying to stand out and be the one they want to keep. You might say dirtier things than you’re comfortable with, send naked photos because you think you need to in order to keep their interest or even pretend to like mountain biking just to be the chosen one. It can be easy to forget the whole reason you started in the first place.

Sit and think why you’re doing it. Go on, do it right now, sit and think. Put your phone down, rub your hipster beard or pink hair meaningfully and let your brain work.

Why did you start the online dating experience?

If you’re dating to find someone to spend time with, maybe have a relationship and long term future with then consider the potentials you’ve been chatting with recently. Why are you chatting to them still? Was it because they made you laugh, you felt a connection or you had things in common?

Or was it because they have ripped abs or a nice pair of tits. Maybe they charmed you with great compliments, made you feel horny or special.

If we’re looking for long term then we should spend time getting to know someone, find out if we have things in common or if we’re compatible. Sex is definitely part of it but it isn’t the only factor.

Sexy online datingUnless you’re looking for casual sex, a fling or a one night stand. In those situations look for a Trousersnake Jake or Blow job Bertha. Just remember why you’re doing it and don’t get drawn into a competition. The other person isn’t worth it if that’s how easy it is to draw them with something shiny.

So why not just talk to one potential at a time rather than two or three?

Partly to keep a couple of options open and not get so fixed on one person being the one that you build them up to be something they’re not. Also because there are weirdos out there and it can take a week of texting to realise it. For me, that was Ginger Tom. At first he was such a flirt, in a good way. Cheeky and funny and enjoyable to chat to but within a week he was spouting politics at me and judging me for any opinion I dared share.

Some people you don’t match with and that’s okay. We don’t have to be compatible with everyone. However, we should give them a chance for so we can find that out before we make the decision.

But for me, when I’ve found someone I really click with they quickly become the only person I want to speak to. Then the hope comes, foolishly wondering if I’m the only person they’re speaking to. It’s at that point my housemate usually tells me to shut up. Online dating is hard work for all involved.

Check back next week to find out more about Bratwurst Brad and his league theory.  if you’ve missed any of the previous posts from my A-Z of Online Dating, click on “Select Category” in the right-hand column and select “A-Z Online Dating.”

Don’t forget to post here or via my Facebook page or Twitter page about your own dating experiences.

K is for Kissing, part 2. Nightmare dating stories

In my previous post I talked about a couple of my awkward first kiss stories. I mentioned a particular first bad date with Dirty Don. For some inexplicable reason we had a second date…

kissIn many ways we recreated our first date; flirting over dinner, smiles, the same connection that we’d had before. And at the end of the second date, I hear you ask? You’re shaking your head aren’t you, you didn’t ask it at all. I’m still telling you. I’d like to be able to say that we had an amazing kiss that tingled all the way through my body and even had my toes dancing. But no, sadly there was no lustful bum grabbing or tongue action. We said goodbye, he went and got cat food and I accidentally got the wrong bus home, remembering how he once told me he’d had sex on a disused bus.

For me, when the most exciting part of the date is having to walk, lost, through a random tall grassed field in date heels then you’ve got to cut your losses. Maybe it was the lack of spark, maybe I wasn’t his type or I wasn’t giving off the right signals but my dates with Dirty Don were done.

I do embarrassing stuff too….

The most embarrassing thing I’ve done, which was when I was still learning to kiss, was try and lick a guy’s face. I say try… Confession time, I did actually lick all the way up the side of his cheek. I had no idea what possessed me other than I thought he might find it a turn on. He didn’t. It was really weird and I never did it again. Oh the shame.

Kissing can lead to some of the most soul crushing moments. Online dating as a whole lends itself to a wealth of those situations where you long for an earth destroying meteor.

“Please let the ground swallow me right now,” has been a phrase whispered in desperate longing around the world on multiple occasions.

For me it was on a first date after I watched the guy put ketchup on his chips. Nothing seemed to be coming out of the bottle for him so I took the bottle from his hands and tried to get some ketchup out for him.

What the hell?

I wasn’t his mum or his carer. Again the shame was nearly too much. Thankfully it became an in-joke between us for several months.

One bad first date

Not all the incidents are my own making. One date with a guy I fondly call Creepy Craig started with him slamming his ex-wife in vehement fashion. But I let it pass, after all, everyone has their baggage. But then it got a little more awkward, he kept trying to bring the conversation onto the topic of spanking. The guy was a like a magician, I don’t know how he was able to bring the conversation back to it every time. As the date continued I realised, for many reasons, he wasn’t the guy for me but then I did something very, very bad. I started checking out other guys in the restaurant and I’m pretty sure he caught me.

bad date selfieEventually the date came to an end. I was so close to freedom that I let my guard down. Bad mistake. I turned, hearing him say something, and found that he had his phone in hand, outstretched and pointed in my direction. It could have been worse, it could have been his cock, but then I realised too late what he’d said.

“Can I take your photo?”

Had I been more confident or not ridiculously polite I would have asked why or even told him to look at my profile but instead in my silence I agreed. It was painfully awkward. It could have made sense if I was a selfie queen but for me it was weird. As you can imagine there was no end of date kiss.

Thankfully I’m not the only one with hideous date stories.

Who Does That?

Winifred told me about her experience. One I’m relieved I never went through. Picture the scene, you’re planning what to wear for your date. It’s a relaxed Sunday lunch in the country, it may involve a little walk but more likely just a dinner in a pub. So what do you pick? Jeans, shoes, maybe a shirt or jumper? Not if you’re the guy who went on a date with Winifred. Ambling down the road in her jeans and a nice top she looked up and saw in front of her a man holding a huge bouquet of flowers, a box of milk tray and wearing a tux. A bloody tux! Who does that for a first date in a country pub for Sunday lunch? This guy did.

tux bad dateBeing the epitome of politeness and feeling a bit sorry for him she continued the date. The amused faces and awkward stares of the other people in the pub didn’t make for a dream moment in her life but she held strong. Dropping him home she wondered if she should share some first date rules. Suddenly it went from a thought to a necessity, although maybe via text when she got home. The dude invited her into his house to meet his kids and the babysitter, who happened to be his ex-wife.

Best worst first date ever?

Teacher Time

It ties for first with this one. My friend Earnest is a teacher. Loves his job and is proud to tell people what he does. Why not? It turns out that some people can get carried away with this knowledge.

kiss, role play, bad dateEarnest turned up on his date at a woman’s house. He didn’t think anything of picking her up on the first date from her home until she opened the door in a school girl outfit. The one saving grace was that she was a grown woman and not underage. But it wasn’t quite what he was hoping for. He’s a horny bastard at the best of times but this wasn’t what he was after, he was looking for romance not a casual shag, at least that’s how he told it to me. So instead of staying for a bit of teacher student role play on his first date he ran as fast as his romantic heart would let him.

So what do we take from this? Kissing can be great, dates can go horribly wrong. If we learn from our mistakes and those of others then hopefully it will be okay and if not it will probably still be funny for someone

I look forward to reading your own kissing stories, either here in the comments sections, or via my Facebook page or Twitter page.

K is for Kissing

I love kissing

I like the need that comes with someone you’re dating. The push of bodies together as you run your tongue on his upper lip or feel your tongues fighting each other because you can’t get a deep enough kiss.

kissing coupleI’m even a little fond of the first kiss with someone new. The nervous feeling you get as you edge closer. The lift of your mouth as you reach to align your lips with theirs. Hands touching parts of each other’s body’s tentatively, trying to work out what things heighten their pleasure.  Learning about each other while pushing at a speed the other finds satisfying, comfortable but still thrilling. The tilt of the head. Sometimes you can feel a smile against your lips or you might even hear the slightest whisper of a moan breathed into your mouth.

First kisses can change everything and give you all that you ever hoped for but they can also ruin every sense of spark and chemistry that was slowly building.

The years before I’d had my first proper full on passionate kiss I was terrified I wouldn’t know what to do. It even made me run away, literally, from some of the attractive guys that were trying to pull me close. Thankfully my first proper kiss was good, very good. I would happily do that again. He led it and made the situation just what I needed. What a memory!

But kisses during my online dates haven’t always gone so well. This includes the first online date I had, in a short pocket of dating where I had no idea what I was doing. I was less experienced than a nervous teenager and way too embarrassed to admit this to him. I got away with not kissing on the first date. The real problem, however, came on the second date when after dinner he wanted to go “for a walk.” My heart was pounding in terror. Did that mean what I thought it did? After all going for a walk around a windy, but still populated enough to be safe, industrial estate wasn’t conducive to talking or romance.

I was petrified!

The whole knocking knees and gathering my courage while looking in the toilet mirror. Before I knew it we were on our walk. It was bloody freezing, the walk, not the kiss. I had a feeling that it wasn’t just kissing that scared me but the thought of kissing him. It was clear to me that I didn’t fancy him and was oblivious to the signs that a guy might display when he goes in for a kiss. I was that inexperienced.

Panic set in as we neared my car. I desperately wanted to get home but I didn’t know how to say this. Fear gripped every muscle of my body as he moved in closer. What was going to happen next? Should I just go with it and just get it over with? Should I move my body away or get in some position that everyone knew about but me? How the hell am I meant to kiss anyway? Will this be my first proper kiss?

Too much was going on in my head, thoughts colliding with each other.

We got to my car and he leaned in closer but not close enough to pin me to my driver’s door. Suddenly an Alsatian in the car next to mine went crazy and I was saved!

I shouted a goodbye, jumped into my car and hightailed it out of there.

couple not kissingUnsurprisingly I called whatever we were doing off after that. I clearly wasn’t ready to date, although that was more from fear than anything else.

I told you I wasn’t perfect.

I’ve had kisses where I’ve had to wipe my face down with the sleeve of my top after. A towel would have been a lot more useful but they’re frowned upon during dates, apparently. There have been kisses where at the end of “the moment” he sucked my nose because, as he admitted later, he didn’t know what to do and got clumsy.

Dirty Don

With Dirty Don, I waited patiently for the first kiss. At the end of the date we ambled back to my car and waited awkwardly in silence. From what Don had said on the date it seemed he liked me but I was beginning to wonder otherwise. I knew he was experienced, he’d told me stories that had proved it but yet there we were, one warm summer night standing alone in the quiet of the car park and neither of us was doing anything.

Sadly I’ve never been very good at ignoring the elephant in the room. Instead of pulling him close and using my mouth in a way that would have been pleasurable for both of us I announced instead, “I have no idea what you’re going to do next.”

I admit that it wasn’t really the way to get the passion flowing but his response then buried the moment for good.

“Hit you,” he joked making a playful punching left hook and taking a swing at me.

kissingI cut my losses and headed home, thinking that maybe he just didn’t fancy me, until he invited me on to a second date…

I’ll tell you what happened in Kissing, part 2.  Until then take a look at my previous  A-Z of Online Dating posts. Click on “Select Category” in the right-hand column and select “A-Z Online Dating.”

I look forward to reading your own kissing stories, either here in the comments sections, or via my Facebook page or Twitter page.

J is for Jumble of thoughts… settling and chemistry

Settling, Friends with Benefits and Chemistry

There can be different thoughts ratting around our brains when we’re dating.

Am I settling?

lonely settling chemistryHave you ever worried that you’re dating someone because you don’t want to be alone at weekends? If you settle, i.e. date long term someone you know isn’t what you want then you’re missing out on much more. In this odd world there could be a person that would be near perfect for you. Someone that could bring out the best in you, that you hold hands with in good and bad times. While you’re settling with someone you know isn’t right for you they could be waiting and refusing to settle.

However, giving a potential who doesn’t match your tick list a go is something you could try. Accidentally you might find the potential you’re sexually attracted to, the one that brings that unmistakable glow . That isn’t settling that is picking wisely. There may be a potential who can’t kiss properly, who has some weird habits or their parents drive you mad. Dating that person isn’t settling. No one is perfect, I’m certainly not and you probably know realistically of your own imperfections but somewhere out there is your albatross, so keep looking and don’t give up.


Lots of birds are partners for life and one of these is an albatross. They may not be as cute as a rabbit but no matter how far and wide they travel they’ll always return to their partner, they always come home. Albatrosses have amusing meeting dances to attract a partner, lots of weaving and bobbing, shrieks and whistles and smacking of beaks.albatross romance But once this dance is done they find their partner and the “relationship” that develops and the connection that firms up over several years lasts a lifetime no matter what.


A friend, Muriel, tried internet dating, and found Willy Wanka. Willy was someone she loved spending time with but he didn’t reflect the sort of guy she’d expected to end up with. They decided to be friends and see each other socially but that didn’t work either because he couldn’t be friends with someone he had that depth of feeling for, he couldn’t be friends with his albatross. The story could have ended there but this is a story with a happy ending because without him in her life Muriel was lost. Willy may not have originally been the perfect guy she set out to find but that’s the joy of online dating, sometimes you find what you need and not a human tick box. Muriel and Willy got back together and are now happily married with their baby.

So what am I saying here? Don’t settle and take anyone. BUT when you meet your albatross don’t ignore them because they’re not ticking all the boxes you’d prepared.

Unfortunately dating isn’t a maths problem with one answer at the end of a simple equation. It’s people’s lives, hormones, brains and fears. Life is complicated and anyone can get hurt even the person you least expect. Deciding whether to take a risk can feel like jumping into the obis, whether you’re deciding if you should do the fuck buddy thing or attempting to start a long term relationship.

Fuck Buddies

One of the things that comes up with online dating is the fuck buddy (FB) or friends with benefits option.  In my days of online dating I’ve been offered numerous opportunities to have a fuck buddy. I tried a watered down version once and found it didn’t work for me. I’m incapable of having emotional distance from sex. See I’d Do Anything for Love.

Fuck buddies works for some. If you’re going to do it make sure it’s not at the risk of other possible relationships. It’s not like Hollywood movies where everything ends happily for both parties.

Do-em Doris was a woman I went to university with, she was the siren that all the guys wanted. Men in nearby halls would ogle her from their windows. Doris had it all; freakishly intelligent, motivated, confident, not afraid of anything and top it off she looked like a blonde Lara Croft. Men flocked to her and she’d enjoy the pleasure of the hot ones company, sometimes more than one at a time. Then, unexpectedly, Doris fell in love with her best friend and fuck buddy, Walter, the European Adonis. Unfortunately he didn’t fancy her like that, in fact he liked someone else. Suddenly Doris was closed off to any guy who came in her vicinity.

Note: To a guy whose profile on online dating said he was looking for a relationship but currently had a fuck buddy, if you’re trying to convince ladies you’re good in bed and in demand then find any other way to do it. I don’t care that you said she’d be happy for the arrangement to come to an end if you found someone. If you want a relationship then leave your fuck buddy out of your dating profile.

Chemistry, what is it?

romance chemistry settlingChemistry isn’t always instant. I think back to the potentials I’ve ended up liking enough to feel a flutter in my stomach at just the beep of my phone. I can say almost 100% that with each of them intense chemistry wasn’t instant. Some things take time. With chemistry we want to chat with the other person, spend time together, find out more about them AND do the physical stuff too.

In my opinion if after time the chemistry doesn’t grow then the relationship isn’t worth pursuing. BUT you have to make the decision for yourself. I’ve had several dates where there was no chemistry, including the first couple of dates with my boyfriend.

Is chemistry different to a spark?

I think they’re different. You can have chemistry with friends but you’d never take it further because that something more isn’t there. A spark can be purely physical but a good spark is cloaked in chemistry and that means something amazing could happen. But sometimes we feel what we want to feel.

So when should we make that jump and when should we settle? Sadly I can’t see your future or even my own. But just this once I shall shake my Magic 8 ball for you.

And it says…

“Cannot predict now”

Ah, shit.

In the meantime, if you’d like to share your thoughts or experiences then please comment below or visit my Facebook page or Twitter page.

I is for Imperfect, part 2

In my last post, I shared a story that showed that the people and situations you come across when dating can be far from perfect. If you need more evidence about how imperfect I am then read on.

Imperfect angelI’m sure I’ve hurt my fair share of guys, I’m no angel. I try not to damage anyone but it happens and there’s one that’s embedded himself in my mind. Horny Harry was a nice guy with obvious shyness and nervousness. On our first date, I had the rare joy of being the confident one. We held hands like young teens and I chatted nonsensically to relax him.

After dinner, I suggested a drink in order to give him time to chill and carry on the happiness that was eclipsing his fear and beginning to flow through him. We sat across from each other smiling, his fingers threaded through mine; the real Harry was slowly being revealed. It was a fun first date and his confidence must have improved because he slyly tried a sneaky snog as I kissed his cheek goodnight.

I went home in the taxi, not sure how I felt about him. Company wise, he was a nice guy but did I fancy Harry? A second date seemed like a good way of finding out.

When he suggested seeing each other again I should have asked for somewhere public but mistakes happen. I knew I trusted him, he was a nice guy, instincts were putting two thumbs up and I felt safe. So I agreed to have dinner with him at his home. Unfortunately, I underestimated just how randy Horny Harry was. To be fair, I think he’d had guys talking in his ear before our first date telling him how he should go about getting laid.

Harry got carried away pretty quickly and unfortunately, I think his cock was working his brain that night.

Let me set the scene; we were watching a movie, having a bit of a cuddle and relaxing on the sofa. Suddenly, he went in for the kiss. I’ve had better kisses but it wasn’t the worst. Harry’s hands were everywhere and then, suddenly, he tries to move me. Apparently, the angle I was sitting at wasn’t the easiest for him to come at me so he kept lifting me up and plonking me somewhere he preferred. Resistance was futile!

imperfect traffic lightsHis hands roamed around to the top button of my trousers before sneaking to my bra strap. I couldn’t work out where they were going next and it made holding him off a complicated exercise, but when I told him to slow down he would. The guy wasn’t a sex pest, he was just ridiculously randy. From what he’d told me he hadn’t had a lot of action in his life so anything that looked like a green light probably made it hard for him to think beyond his cock.

Swiftly, he’d launched his lips awkwardly onto mine in a fierce attack that didn’t resemble easing the physical side forward slowly but was more about thrusting it in the only direction his throbbing cock could conceive.
These days, I would have just thrown him off and had a conversation about slowing down. Instead, I kept telling him that I would have to leave soon. The panic picked up the more he tried to undress me while smothering me with sloppy wet kisses. I felt like a human sex doll, just there for his pleasure, and all my attempts to slow him down were ineffective. Sex doll imperfect dating

Breaking point came. During a particularly uncomfortable moment of kissing, he simultaneously tried to shove his clumsy hands into my trousers and under my knickers while my fingers accidentally located swelling, pus-filled boils on the back of his head!

I quickly got up, thanked him for dinner, grabbed my stuff and ran as fast as an English person on hot, Caribbean beach sand.

Once I made it safely home I sent him a message, trying to let him down as gently as possible. His response to my message read something like…

Harry: Okay. I hope you still enjoyed yourself.

I should have replied, the guy already had low confidence. He didn’t need another kicking but I didn’t read the message properly when I first got it. When I read it again a couple of days later I was too late. I could have told him that I had and that he just wasn’t the guy for me. Instead, I was probably one of the many women who’d hurt him. I still feel crappy when I remember him. I hope somewhere in this world Horny Harry hasn’t got higher fences because of me and is happily getting all the sex and love he can cope with.

go for me pokemonWe all make mistakes and no one does the online dating thing perfectly.

If you like erotic romance stories, don’t forget you can download one of my stories, “(Pokemon) Go For Me,” for free from the blog and if you’ve missed any of the previous posts from my A-Z of Online Dating, click on “Select Category” in the right-hand column and select “A-Z Online Dating.”

I is for Imperfect

I’m Imperfect and I Make Mistakes

I’ve not just learnt about others through dating, I’ve also learnt about myself. It turns out there’s nothing perfect about me and I make a lot of dating mistakes.

I’ve already confessed I’ve ghosted people and I’ve been online while being in the rebound phase. I’ve also secretly talked to several guys at once and avoided some guys in the hope that they’d get bored and move on. Dare I admit that I’ve even checked out other guys while on a date and sadly been caught out.

I could give you an exhaustive list of all the mistakes I’ve made and things I’ve done wrong, things I would do differently if I could, but instead, I’ll share some stories.

In the early days of online dating, I had no idea what I was doing. I would encourage and welcome the sexual messages early into chatting and I would share way too much information about my own personal experiences. Not only was this completely foolish because I was trusting guys I had no knowledge of, it was also allowing myself to be vulnerable to guys who might be skillful in the art of manipulation. Massive mistakes! Thankfully, I learned quickly, becoming more adept at working out the guys to stay away from and, as a result, I met nicer guys. They still had their baggage but it was nothing compared to some of the earlier weirdos.

Mistakes and datesBefore the nice guys came along I started chatting with Dipstick Den. I still remember sitting on the sofa one evening and glancing over his profile that read “Match with me. What’s the worst that can happen?”

The worse included him being the first and only guy I know of to call me the C-word in anger and really mean it.

Dipstick Den appeared funny and chatty. I didn’t give him my mobile number immediately, something held me back, but the next day he still seemed keen so I threw caution to the wind. There was a lot of texting and soon sex was slammed into the conversation. I was learning about guys and had decided the more sexual the conversation the less likely it was I’d actually meet the man. Those that tended to thrust sex into their messages were looking for a hook-up and presumed I was too. They were frequently adamant that I was a sure thing.

I’m nobody’s sure thing

During my conversations with Den, I decided to explain brazenly that the more we talked about sex the less likely we would be to meet. What followed that statement was a long and detailed conversation on why. I started to open up, telling him about my limited experiences and what I was looking for. I told a man I didn’t know, way too much about myself and, I think he was excited by the prospect of what would happen between us.

The conversations started to go from fun and exciting to concerning relatively quickly. Unsurprisingly, he wanted to go on a first date as soon as possible. One of my personal rules is that I don’t rush into a first date, especially not on the same day that I start properly chatting with someone. I also had things planned, I was applying for new jobs and that weekend I was preparing for an interview. Den wasn’t happy and eventually talked me down from waiting a week before we met to four days.

On the evening of our first day of texting, I had to do some interview prep. I got the following message.

Den: If I find out you’re going out with someone else tonight and not doing prep I’m going to be really angry with you.


I continued prepping that evening and asked if we could stop the messages for just an hour so I could focus. Eventually, he relented but made it clear he was pissed off. Den must have been checking when I was going on Whatsapp because when a friend messaged me some information helpful for the interview and I checked it I got another message.

Den: I thought you were meant to be doing interview prep


I ignored the message but later when we chatted different things niggled me. Firstly he wouldn’t tell me much about what he did for a living.

Den: Don’t worry about it, babe. There’s plenty of time to get to know each other later.

Making mistakesHe also didn’t have any friends, preferring to spend all his time alone and playing computer games. Den would regularly ask me for suggestive photos and then get annoyed when I refused to send them, becoming angrier when he couldn’t talk me around to his way of thinking. Clothing became a topic of one conversation. He’d found some unsuitable clothes and shoes that he wanted to buy for me. When I was less than keen he explained, “Every relationship involves compromise”. The more he pushed, the more stubborn I became.

We hadn’t even met!

The whole of the second day of messaging was spent with me trying to work on interview prep and him trying to stop me. Den would question why I was choosing it before him, becoming increasingly annoyed with me and trying different tactics to make me feel guilty. Eventually, his mood became sullen and he wouldn’t give more than one-word answers to my questions. By the end of the second day, I’d stopped hearing from him and made no effort to contact him again. Honestly, I was relieved. I was beginning to realise he was controlling and bad news. A date with him would be a massive mistake and laying myself open to a danger I wasn’t sure I’d be able to avoid.

Although we’d decided the Tuesday would be the day for the date, we hadn’t agreed a time or location. When Monday came and I still hadn’t heard from him I was a bundle of relief and fear. Obviously, he’d moved on and that could only be a good thing. Maybe I was safe. The fear was still there, though. What if he suddenly messaged on the day to arrange the date and didn’t like the answer, “I’ve changed my mind”? I hadn’t got as far as sharing my surname with him but he could find me if he wanted to.

Then the day came and in the early evening, I convinced myself that I must be safe…until I received his text.

Over the course of that evening, I was called some of the most offensive names I’ve ever heard. Den was vile and vicious. Insults from the personal and private things I’d told him were slung my way. When I tried to explain myself he cut me short with a torrent of abuse. He told me, among other things, that he hoped I died with the limited experience I had.

It was a massive learning curve. I knew never to be so open, honest and dismissive of my instincts again. I shouldn’t have given him my number and I shouldn’t have given him personal details. Also, when I knew he wasn’t the right guy for me, I shouldn’t have been gutless. Instead I should have called time on the situation early on.

Thankfully, I got off lightly. Hideous names and insults were nothing compared to what could have happened if we’d met.

In my next post, I’ll share another story about my own imperfections when dating. There will even be a story about a situation I could have handled better. In the meantime, if you’d like to share your thoughts or experiences then please comment below or visit my Facebook page or Twitter page.

(Pokemon) Go For Me

pokemonPokemon Go is back in the news as it is one of the standout successes of 2016 and has had a recent upgrade that has got people playing again. It was initially an app that took over the world in the summer. Suddenly parks were swelled with crowds. People were camped out  and flicking their phones at unusual intervals. Others traipsed around town and city centres, heads bowed and oblivious to anything but a poke stop or another creature. Worse than bumping into strangers was the prospect of running out of balls or having even a Pidgey run away from you.

I confess I also became addicted to the game. Not only did it entertain me for hours but I even got asked out as a result of it. While playing Pokemon Go on a train a guy suddenly told me how much he liked gamer girls and then asked me out for a drink!

But there was more. Pokemon Go, and the memory of an ex who I knew would love that the game, inspired my free story Go For Me – the working title was Pokemon Go For Me. You can read an excerpt here on a previous post for Masturbation Monday. Warning – it’s dirty.

Go For Me: A short tale of erotic romance

go for me pokemonHolly has become addicted to playing Pokemon Go on her phone. She pretends it’s because she likes the game but really it reminds her of Lewis, the geeky guy who broke her heart. One night something unusual happens. Holly is lured, through the tricks of the game, to places she and Lewis had significant moments in their relationship. From the supermarket where they first met, fighting over a Star Wars droid, to the park where they had mind blowing sex after he played her the song he’d written for her. All the lures and memories seem to be leading her somewhere significant. But who is in control of this night and what will she find at the last location?

This short story is over 9,000 words and contains sexual situations and language only suitable for those aged 18+


It is available for free and can be downloaded as an epub file, mobi file or as a pdf

Click here to download (Pokemon) Go For Me epub version

Click here to download (Pokemon) Go For Me mobi version

Click here to download Pokemon Go For Me pdf version