L is for League System and System of Three, part 2

The System of Three Explained

In my last post I shared my meeting with Bratwurst Brad and asked you how many potentials do you talk to and what is the optimum amount. Brad had a theory for this, it was the system of three. In this system you should only be chatting to three potentials at one time.

There was a bit more to his theory. If your talking to three people, exactly how do you see them? Do you have them in an order of preference?

Potential 1 – As I like to call them, the champagne

dating systemThis is the one you really like. If they asked you out you’d probably drop everything. It’s likely they’re the potential you think about the most and the one you really want to get a rush on with and date.

Potential 2 – Sparkling Wine

They’re not your favourite but you like them and if they asked you’d go on a date with them, unless Champagne asked first.

Potential 3 – Fizzy Grape Juice

You like them but they’re someone you’re happy to pass the time with. If Champagne suddenly became available then you’d ditch the juice immediately.

Brad shared with me a story about his friend, Hank the Monkey, who found himself at a potential’s house for a date one night. It was a bit last minute but that was okay with him and she looked stunning. It was a sexy but demure dress that covered her curvy figure, the sort of outfit a woman might wear on a special night out. The hair and makeup suggested she was going to the Ritz for dinner not a night in. sexy league dress, systemHer kids were away overnight too. But she hadn’t done all this for Hank. Her Champagne had cancelled so she invited Sparkling Wine round instead, maybe even Grape Juice. Hank didn’t know where he fell in her system of three.

As Brad told me this story and passionately spoke of the system of three I was left with two thoughts:

  • Brad was definitely not my champagne

  • What did I rank as for Brad? Was I his grape juice?

In the end it didn’t matter because nothing came of us and a month later I met champagne, aka Mr Fumble.

Do you believe in leagues?

The system of three was very relevant to my online dating for a while. As is the league system. I genuinely believe that when it comes to dating and attraction some men are above me league wise and some below. Online dating, for me, has sadly been affected by this belief. I say sadly because I have spent too much time thinking about it. I’ve ignored the person behind the label I’ve given them.

A while ago I dated a guy who I arrogantly thought was lower than me in the league system except he wasn’t. This guy was wonderful and it made me realise that too often I may have missed out on one of the good ones because I was too busy making preconceptions.

league, leagues, different, geekyLeagues can be affected by lots of things including looks, body shape, experience (too much or too little), sense of humour, geekiness, sports prowess, boobs, penis size, shyness, if they have kids, age, teeth (some people have major teeth issues), and so much more.

So how do I summarise all of this for online dating and potentials? Ignore the league system and chat to who you like. Take a chance on someone for more than just their profile picture or how they match your tick boxes. You may find your champagne when you least expect it.

Do you believe in leagues or dating theories? Tell me what you think either in the comments section or via my Facebook page or Twitter page.

L is for League System and System of Three

Bratwurst Brad and His League System

dick pic, leaguesEarly on in my dating adventures I met Bratwurst Brad. He was nice enough, although a bit cocky for me, he seemed to strut around like a peacock on parade. On our first date I broke a lot of my “rules”. There are things I make sure I do or don’t do in order to keep safe but on this occasion I failed miserably. Thankfully I was lucky and didn’t get hurt. Our Saturday afternoon date was a one off due to the lack of spark. I doubt I was experienced enough for him and I needed someone who was more open and caring.

I can’t remember details about his family or even his whole name. However, something he shared about leagues lingered in my head significantly longer than he did. Brad shared with me the league system of three.

The idea of this system was that every person online dating should only focus their efforts on three people at a time and no more than these three. That makes sense to me for various reasons.

How many potentials are you chatting to?

Firstly the more prospective dates you talk to at once the more complicated it gets. If you want to see if someone is what you’re looking for and a person you might want to go on a date with then you need to get to know them and give them some of your time. It’s like you’re juggling, sooner or later your balls are going to drop. In the long run you might have lost an important person because you were too busy with lots of people that you’ve forgotten about already.

LeagueCompare it to standing in a bar. Over an hour you talk to fifteen different potentials. You can’t give them each enough time to make an impact or make an impact yourself. You’re barely going to remember their name let alone their hobbies, what they might do for work and what makes them tick. A spark can be instant but good foundations with dating involve getting to know someone properly and giving them time and respect.

Online dating shouldn’t be a competition. Sometimes it might feel like the person you’re speaking to has a collection of potentials lined up like puppies at a rescue home and you’re desperately trying to stand out and be the one they want to keep. You might say dirtier things than you’re comfortable with, send naked photos because you think you need to in order to keep their interest or even pretend to like mountain biking just to be the chosen one. It can be easy to forget the whole reason you started in the first place.

Sit and think why you’re doing it. Go on, do it right now, sit and think. Put your phone down, rub your hipster beard or pink hair meaningfully and let your brain work.

Why did you start the online dating experience?

If you’re dating to find someone to spend time with, maybe have a relationship and long term future with then consider the potentials you’ve been chatting with recently. Why are you chatting to them still? Was it because they made you laugh, you felt a connection or you had things in common?

Or was it because they have ripped abs or a nice pair of tits. Maybe they charmed you with great compliments, made you feel horny or special.

If we’re looking for long term then we should spend time getting to know someone, find out if we have things in common or if we’re compatible. Sex is definitely part of it but it isn’t the only factor.

Sexy online datingUnless you’re looking for casual sex, a fling or a one night stand. In those situations look for a Trousersnake Jake or Blow job Bertha. Just remember why you’re doing it and don’t get drawn into a competition. The other person isn’t worth it if that’s how easy it is to draw them with something shiny.

So why not just talk to one potential at a time rather than two or three?

Partly to keep a couple of options open and not get so fixed on one person being the one that you build them up to be something they’re not. Also because there are weirdos out there and it can take a week of texting to realise it. For me, that was Ginger Tom. At first he was such a flirt, in a good way. Cheeky and funny and enjoyable to chat to but within a week he was spouting politics at me and judging me for any opinion I dared share.

Some people you don’t match with and that’s okay. We don’t have to be compatible with everyone. However, we should give them a chance for so we can find that out before we make the decision.

But for me, when I’ve found someone I really click with they quickly become the only person I want to speak to. Then the hope comes, foolishly wondering if I’m the only person they’re speaking to. It’s at that point my housemate usually tells me to shut up. Online dating is hard work for all involved.

Check back next week to find out more about Bratwurst Brad and his league theory.  if you’ve missed any of the previous posts from my A-Z of Online Dating, click on “Select Category” in the right-hand column and select “A-Z Online Dating.”

Don’t forget to post here or via my Facebook page or Twitter page about your own dating experiences.

K is for Kissing, part 2. Nightmare dating stories

In my previous post I talked about a couple of my awkward first kiss stories. I mentioned a particular first bad date with Dirty Don. For some inexplicable reason we had a second date…

kissIn many ways we recreated our first date; flirting over dinner, smiles, the same connection that we’d had before. And at the end of the second date, I hear you ask? You’re shaking your head aren’t you, you didn’t ask it at all. I’m still telling you. I’d like to be able to say that we had an amazing kiss that tingled all the way through my body and even had my toes dancing. But no, sadly there was no lustful bum grabbing or tongue action. We said goodbye, he went and got cat food and I accidentally got the wrong bus home, remembering how he once told me he’d had sex on a disused bus.

For me, when the most exciting part of the date is having to walk, lost, through a random tall grassed field in date heels then you’ve got to cut your losses. Maybe it was the lack of spark, maybe I wasn’t his type or I wasn’t giving off the right signals but my dates with Dirty Don were done.

I do embarrassing stuff too….

The most embarrassing thing I’ve done, which was when I was still learning to kiss, was try and lick a guy’s face. I say try… Confession time, I did actually lick all the way up the side of his cheek. I had no idea what possessed me other than I thought he might find it a turn on. He didn’t. It was really weird and I never did it again. Oh the shame.

Kissing can lead to some of the most soul crushing moments. Online dating as a whole lends itself to a wealth of those situations where you long for an earth destroying meteor.

“Please let the ground swallow me right now,” has been a phrase whispered in desperate longing around the world on multiple occasions.

For me it was on a first date after I watched the guy put ketchup on his chips. Nothing seemed to be coming out of the bottle for him so I took the bottle from his hands and tried to get some ketchup out for him.

What the hell?

I wasn’t his mum or his carer. Again the shame was nearly too much. Thankfully it became an in-joke between us for several months.

One bad first date

Not all the incidents are my own making. One date with a guy I fondly call Creepy Craig started with him slamming his ex-wife in vehement fashion. But I let it pass, after all, everyone has their baggage. But then it got a little more awkward, he kept trying to bring the conversation onto the topic of spanking. The guy was a like a magician, I don’t know how he was able to bring the conversation back to it every time. As the date continued I realised, for many reasons, he wasn’t the guy for me but then I did something very, very bad. I started checking out other guys in the restaurant and I’m pretty sure he caught me.

bad date selfieEventually the date came to an end. I was so close to freedom that I let my guard down. Bad mistake. I turned, hearing him say something, and found that he had his phone in hand, outstretched and pointed in my direction. It could have been worse, it could have been his cock, but then I realised too late what he’d said.

“Can I take your photo?”

Had I been more confident or not ridiculously polite I would have asked why or even told him to look at my profile but instead in my silence I agreed. It was painfully awkward. It could have made sense if I was a selfie queen but for me it was weird. As you can imagine there was no end of date kiss.

Thankfully I’m not the only one with hideous date stories.

Who Does That?

Winifred told me about her experience. One I’m relieved I never went through. Picture the scene, you’re planning what to wear for your date. It’s a relaxed Sunday lunch in the country, it may involve a little walk but more likely just a dinner in a pub. So what do you pick? Jeans, shoes, maybe a shirt or jumper? Not if you’re the guy who went on a date with Winifred. Ambling down the road in her jeans and a nice top she looked up and saw in front of her a man holding a huge bouquet of flowers, a box of milk tray and wearing a tux. A bloody tux! Who does that for a first date in a country pub for Sunday lunch? This guy did.

tux bad dateBeing the epitome of politeness and feeling a bit sorry for him she continued the date. The amused faces and awkward stares of the other people in the pub didn’t make for a dream moment in her life but she held strong. Dropping him home she wondered if she should share some first date rules. Suddenly it went from a thought to a necessity, although maybe via text when she got home. The dude invited her into his house to meet his kids and the babysitter, who happened to be his ex-wife.

Best worst first date ever?

Teacher Time

It ties for first with this one. My friend Earnest is a teacher. Loves his job and is proud to tell people what he does. Why not? It turns out that some people can get carried away with this knowledge.

kiss, role play, bad dateEarnest turned up on his date at a woman’s house. He didn’t think anything of picking her up on the first date from her home until she opened the door in a school girl outfit. The one saving grace was that she was a grown woman and not underage. But it wasn’t quite what he was hoping for. He’s a horny bastard at the best of times but this wasn’t what he was after, he was looking for romance not a casual shag, at least that’s how he told it to me. So instead of staying for a bit of teacher student role play on his first date he ran as fast as his romantic heart would let him.

So what do we take from this? Kissing can be great, dates can go horribly wrong. If we learn from our mistakes and those of others then hopefully it will be okay and if not it will probably still be funny for someone

I look forward to reading your own kissing stories, either here in the comments sections, or via my Facebook page or Twitter page.

K is for Kissing

I love kissing

I like the need that comes with someone you’re dating. The push of bodies together as you run your tongue on his upper lip or feel your tongues fighting each other because you can’t get a deep enough kiss.

kissing coupleI’m even a little fond of the first kiss with someone new. The nervous feeling you get as you edge closer. The lift of your mouth as you reach to align your lips with theirs. Hands touching parts of each other’s body’s tentatively, trying to work out what things heighten their pleasure.  Learning about each other while pushing at a speed the other finds satisfying, comfortable but still thrilling. The tilt of the head. Sometimes you can feel a smile against your lips or you might even hear the slightest whisper of a moan breathed into your mouth.

First kisses can change everything and give you all that you ever hoped for but they can also ruin every sense of spark and chemistry that was slowly building.

The years before I’d had my first proper full on passionate kiss I was terrified I wouldn’t know what to do. It even made me run away, literally, from some of the attractive guys that were trying to pull me close. Thankfully my first proper kiss was good, very good. I would happily do that again. He led it and made the situation just what I needed. What a memory!

But kisses during my online dates haven’t always gone so well. This includes the first online date I had, in a short pocket of dating where I had no idea what I was doing. I was less experienced than a nervous teenager and way too embarrassed to admit this to him. I got away with not kissing on the first date. The real problem, however, came on the second date when after dinner he wanted to go “for a walk.” My heart was pounding in terror. Did that mean what I thought it did? After all going for a walk around a windy, but still populated enough to be safe, industrial estate wasn’t conducive to talking or romance.

I was petrified!

The whole knocking knees and gathering my courage while looking in the toilet mirror. Before I knew it we were on our walk. It was bloody freezing, the walk, not the kiss. I had a feeling that it wasn’t just kissing that scared me but the thought of kissing him. It was clear to me that I didn’t fancy him and was oblivious to the signs that a guy might display when he goes in for a kiss. I was that inexperienced.

Panic set in as we neared my car. I desperately wanted to get home but I didn’t know how to say this. Fear gripped every muscle of my body as he moved in closer. What was going to happen next? Should I just go with it and just get it over with? Should I move my body away or get in some position that everyone knew about but me? How the hell am I meant to kiss anyway? Will this be my first proper kiss?

Too much was going on in my head, thoughts colliding with each other.

We got to my car and he leaned in closer but not close enough to pin me to my driver’s door. Suddenly an Alsatian in the car next to mine went crazy and I was saved!

I shouted a goodbye, jumped into my car and hightailed it out of there.

couple not kissingUnsurprisingly I called whatever we were doing off after that. I clearly wasn’t ready to date, although that was more from fear than anything else.

I told you I wasn’t perfect.

I’ve had kisses where I’ve had to wipe my face down with the sleeve of my top after. A towel would have been a lot more useful but they’re frowned upon during dates, apparently. There have been kisses where at the end of “the moment” he sucked my nose because, as he admitted later, he didn’t know what to do and got clumsy.

Dirty Don

With Dirty Don, I waited patiently for the first kiss. At the end of the date we ambled back to my car and waited awkwardly in silence. From what Don had said on the date it seemed he liked me but I was beginning to wonder otherwise. I knew he was experienced, he’d told me stories that had proved it but yet there we were, one warm summer night standing alone in the quiet of the car park and neither of us was doing anything.

Sadly I’ve never been very good at ignoring the elephant in the room. Instead of pulling him close and using my mouth in a way that would have been pleasurable for both of us I announced instead, “I have no idea what you’re going to do next.”

I admit that it wasn’t really the way to get the passion flowing but his response then buried the moment for good.

“Hit you,” he joked making a playful punching left hook and taking a swing at me.

kissingI cut my losses and headed home, thinking that maybe he just didn’t fancy me, until he invited me on to a second date…

I’ll tell you what happened in Kissing, part 2.  Until then take a look at my previous  A-Z of Online Dating posts. Click on “Select Category” in the right-hand column and select “A-Z Online Dating.”

I look forward to reading your own kissing stories, either here in the comments sections, or via my Facebook page or Twitter page.

J is for Jumble of thoughts… settling and chemistry

Settling, Friends with Benefits and Chemistry

There can be different thoughts ratting around our brains when we’re dating.

Am I settling?

lonely settling chemistryHave you ever worried that you’re dating someone because you don’t want to be alone at weekends? If you settle, i.e. date long term someone you know isn’t what you want then you’re missing out on much more. In this odd world there could be a person that would be near perfect for you. Someone that could bring out the best in you, that you hold hands with in good and bad times. While you’re settling with someone you know isn’t right for you they could be waiting and refusing to settle.

However, giving a potential who doesn’t match your tick list a go is something you could try. Accidentally you might find the potential you’re sexually attracted to, the one that brings that unmistakable glow . That isn’t settling that is picking wisely. There may be a potential who can’t kiss properly, who has some weird habits or their parents drive you mad. Dating that person isn’t settling. No one is perfect, I’m certainly not and you probably know realistically of your own imperfections but somewhere out there is your albatross, so keep looking and don’t give up.


Lots of birds are partners for life and one of these is an albatross. They may not be as cute as a rabbit but no matter how far and wide they travel they’ll always return to their partner, they always come home. Albatrosses have amusing meeting dances to attract a partner, lots of weaving and bobbing, shrieks and whistles and smacking of beaks.albatross romance But once this dance is done they find their partner and the “relationship” that develops and the connection that firms up over several years lasts a lifetime no matter what.


A friend, Muriel, tried internet dating, and found Willy Wanka. Willy was someone she loved spending time with but he didn’t reflect the sort of guy she’d expected to end up with. They decided to be friends and see each other socially but that didn’t work either because he couldn’t be friends with someone he had that depth of feeling for, he couldn’t be friends with his albatross. The story could have ended there but this is a story with a happy ending because without him in her life Muriel was lost. Willy may not have originally been the perfect guy she set out to find but that’s the joy of online dating, sometimes you find what you need and not a human tick box. Muriel and Willy got back together and are now happily married with their baby.

So what am I saying here? Don’t settle and take anyone. BUT when you meet your albatross don’t ignore them because they’re not ticking all the boxes you’d prepared.

Unfortunately dating isn’t a maths problem with one answer at the end of a simple equation. It’s people’s lives, hormones, brains and fears. Life is complicated and anyone can get hurt even the person you least expect. Deciding whether to take a risk can feel like jumping into the obis, whether you’re deciding if you should do the fuck buddy thing or attempting to start a long term relationship.

Fuck Buddies

One of the things that comes up with online dating is the fuck buddy (FB) or friends with benefits option.  In my days of online dating I’ve been offered numerous opportunities to have a fuck buddy. I tried a watered down version once and found it didn’t work for me. I’m incapable of having emotional distance from sex. See I’d Do Anything for Love.

Fuck buddies works for some. If you’re going to do it make sure it’s not at the risk of other possible relationships. It’s not like Hollywood movies where everything ends happily for both parties.

Do-em Doris was a woman I went to university with, she was the siren that all the guys wanted. Men in nearby halls would ogle her from their windows. Doris had it all; freakishly intelligent, motivated, confident, not afraid of anything and top it off she looked like a blonde Lara Croft. Men flocked to her and she’d enjoy the pleasure of the hot ones company, sometimes more than one at a time. Then, unexpectedly, Doris fell in love with her best friend and fuck buddy, Walter, the European Adonis. Unfortunately he didn’t fancy her like that, in fact he liked someone else. Suddenly Doris was closed off to any guy who came in her vicinity.

Note: To a guy whose profile on online dating said he was looking for a relationship but currently had a fuck buddy, if you’re trying to convince ladies you’re good in bed and in demand then find any other way to do it. I don’t care that you said she’d be happy for the arrangement to come to an end if you found someone. If you want a relationship then leave your fuck buddy out of your dating profile.

Chemistry, what is it?

romance chemistry settlingChemistry isn’t always instant. I think back to the potentials I’ve ended up liking enough to feel a flutter in my stomach at just the beep of my phone. I can say almost 100% that with each of them intense chemistry wasn’t instant. Some things take time. With chemistry we want to chat with the other person, spend time together, find out more about them AND do the physical stuff too.

In my opinion if after time the chemistry doesn’t grow then the relationship isn’t worth pursuing. BUT you have to make the decision for yourself. I’ve had several dates where there was no chemistry, including the first couple of dates with my boyfriend.

Is chemistry different to a spark?

I think they’re different. You can have chemistry with friends but you’d never take it further because that something more isn’t there. A spark can be purely physical but a good spark is cloaked in chemistry and that means something amazing could happen. But sometimes we feel what we want to feel.

So when should we make that jump and when should we settle? Sadly I can’t see your future or even my own. But just this once I shall shake my Magic 8 ball for you.

And it says…

“Cannot predict now”

Ah, shit.

In the meantime, if you’d like to share your thoughts or experiences then please comment below or visit my Facebook page or Twitter page.

I is for Imperfect, part 2

In my last post, I shared a story that showed that the people and situations you come across when dating can be far from perfect. If you need more evidence about how imperfect I am then read on.

Imperfect angelI’m sure I’ve hurt my fair share of guys, I’m no angel. I try not to damage anyone but it happens and there’s one that’s embedded himself in my mind. Horny Harry was a nice guy with obvious shyness and nervousness. On our first date, I had the rare joy of being the confident one. We held hands like young teens and I chatted nonsensically to relax him.

After dinner, I suggested a drink in order to give him time to chill and carry on the happiness that was eclipsing his fear and beginning to flow through him. We sat across from each other smiling, his fingers threaded through mine; the real Harry was slowly being revealed. It was a fun first date and his confidence must have improved because he slyly tried a sneaky snog as I kissed his cheek goodnight.

I went home in the taxi, not sure how I felt about him. Company wise, he was a nice guy but did I fancy Harry? A second date seemed like a good way of finding out.

When he suggested seeing each other again I should have asked for somewhere public but mistakes happen. I knew I trusted him, he was a nice guy, instincts were putting two thumbs up and I felt safe. So I agreed to have dinner with him at his home. Unfortunately, I underestimated just how randy Horny Harry was. To be fair, I think he’d had guys talking in his ear before our first date telling him how he should go about getting laid.

Harry got carried away pretty quickly and unfortunately, I think his cock was working his brain that night.

Let me set the scene; we were watching a movie, having a bit of a cuddle and relaxing on the sofa. Suddenly, he went in for the kiss. I’ve had better kisses but it wasn’t the worst. Harry’s hands were everywhere and then, suddenly, he tries to move me. Apparently, the angle I was sitting at wasn’t the easiest for him to come at me so he kept lifting me up and plonking me somewhere he preferred. Resistance was futile!

imperfect traffic lightsHis hands roamed around to the top button of my trousers before sneaking to my bra strap. I couldn’t work out where they were going next and it made holding him off a complicated exercise, but when I told him to slow down he would. The guy wasn’t a sex pest, he was just ridiculously randy. From what he’d told me he hadn’t had a lot of action in his life so anything that looked like a green light probably made it hard for him to think beyond his cock.

Swiftly, he’d launched his lips awkwardly onto mine in a fierce attack that didn’t resemble easing the physical side forward slowly but was more about thrusting it in the only direction his throbbing cock could conceive.
These days, I would have just thrown him off and had a conversation about slowing down. Instead, I kept telling him that I would have to leave soon. The panic picked up the more he tried to undress me while smothering me with sloppy wet kisses. I felt like a human sex doll, just there for his pleasure, and all my attempts to slow him down were ineffective. Sex doll imperfect dating

Breaking point came. During a particularly uncomfortable moment of kissing, he simultaneously tried to shove his clumsy hands into my trousers and under my knickers while my fingers accidentally located swelling, pus-filled boils on the back of his head!

I quickly got up, thanked him for dinner, grabbed my stuff and ran as fast as an English person on hot, Caribbean beach sand.

Once I made it safely home I sent him a message, trying to let him down as gently as possible. His response to my message read something like…

Harry: Okay. I hope you still enjoyed yourself.

I should have replied, the guy already had low confidence. He didn’t need another kicking but I didn’t read the message properly when I first got it. When I read it again a couple of days later I was too late. I could have told him that I had and that he just wasn’t the guy for me. Instead, I was probably one of the many women who’d hurt him. I still feel crappy when I remember him. I hope somewhere in this world Horny Harry hasn’t got higher fences because of me and is happily getting all the sex and love he can cope with.

go for me pokemonWe all make mistakes and no one does the online dating thing perfectly.

If you like erotic romance stories, don’t forget you can download one of my stories, “(Pokemon) Go For Me,” for free from the blog and if you’ve missed any of the previous posts from my A-Z of Online Dating, click on “Select Category” in the right-hand column and select “A-Z Online Dating.”

I is for Imperfect

I’m Imperfect and I Make Mistakes

I’ve not just learnt about others through dating, I’ve also learnt about myself. It turns out there’s nothing perfect about me and I make a lot of dating mistakes.

I’ve already confessed I’ve ghosted people and I’ve been online while being in the rebound phase. I’ve also secretly talked to several guys at once and avoided some guys in the hope that they’d get bored and move on. Dare I admit that I’ve even checked out other guys while on a date and sadly been caught out.

I could give you an exhaustive list of all the mistakes I’ve made and things I’ve done wrong, things I would do differently if I could, but instead, I’ll share some stories.

In the early days of online dating, I had no idea what I was doing. I would encourage and welcome the sexual messages early into chatting and I would share way too much information about my own personal experiences. Not only was this completely foolish because I was trusting guys I had no knowledge of, it was also allowing myself to be vulnerable to guys who might be skillful in the art of manipulation. Massive mistakes! Thankfully, I learned quickly, becoming more adept at working out the guys to stay away from and, as a result, I met nicer guys. They still had their baggage but it was nothing compared to some of the earlier weirdos.

Mistakes and datesBefore the nice guys came along I started chatting with Dipstick Den. I still remember sitting on the sofa one evening and glancing over his profile that read “Match with me. What’s the worst that can happen?”

The worse included him being the first and only guy I know of to call me the C-word in anger and really mean it.

Dipstick Den appeared funny and chatty. I didn’t give him my mobile number immediately, something held me back, but the next day he still seemed keen so I threw caution to the wind. There was a lot of texting and soon sex was slammed into the conversation. I was learning about guys and had decided the more sexual the conversation the less likely it was I’d actually meet the man. Those that tended to thrust sex into their messages were looking for a hook-up and presumed I was too. They were frequently adamant that I was a sure thing.

I’m nobody’s sure thing

During my conversations with Den, I decided to explain brazenly that the more we talked about sex the less likely we would be to meet. What followed that statement was a long and detailed conversation on why. I started to open up, telling him about my limited experiences and what I was looking for. I told a man I didn’t know, way too much about myself and, I think he was excited by the prospect of what would happen between us.

The conversations started to go from fun and exciting to concerning relatively quickly. Unsurprisingly, he wanted to go on a first date as soon as possible. One of my personal rules is that I don’t rush into a first date, especially not on the same day that I start properly chatting with someone. I also had things planned, I was applying for new jobs and that weekend I was preparing for an interview. Den wasn’t happy and eventually talked me down from waiting a week before we met to four days.

On the evening of our first day of texting, I had to do some interview prep. I got the following message.

Den: If I find out you’re going out with someone else tonight and not doing prep I’m going to be really angry with you.


I continued prepping that evening and asked if we could stop the messages for just an hour so I could focus. Eventually, he relented but made it clear he was pissed off. Den must have been checking when I was going on Whatsapp because when a friend messaged me some information helpful for the interview and I checked it I got another message.

Den: I thought you were meant to be doing interview prep


I ignored the message but later when we chatted different things niggled me. Firstly he wouldn’t tell me much about what he did for a living.

Den: Don’t worry about it, babe. There’s plenty of time to get to know each other later.

Making mistakesHe also didn’t have any friends, preferring to spend all his time alone and playing computer games. Den would regularly ask me for suggestive photos and then get annoyed when I refused to send them, becoming angrier when he couldn’t talk me around to his way of thinking. Clothing became a topic of one conversation. He’d found some unsuitable clothes and shoes that he wanted to buy for me. When I was less than keen he explained, “Every relationship involves compromise”. The more he pushed, the more stubborn I became.

We hadn’t even met!

The whole of the second day of messaging was spent with me trying to work on interview prep and him trying to stop me. Den would question why I was choosing it before him, becoming increasingly annoyed with me and trying different tactics to make me feel guilty. Eventually, his mood became sullen and he wouldn’t give more than one-word answers to my questions. By the end of the second day, I’d stopped hearing from him and made no effort to contact him again. Honestly, I was relieved. I was beginning to realise he was controlling and bad news. A date with him would be a massive mistake and laying myself open to a danger I wasn’t sure I’d be able to avoid.

Although we’d decided the Tuesday would be the day for the date, we hadn’t agreed a time or location. When Monday came and I still hadn’t heard from him I was a bundle of relief and fear. Obviously, he’d moved on and that could only be a good thing. Maybe I was safe. The fear was still there, though. What if he suddenly messaged on the day to arrange the date and didn’t like the answer, “I’ve changed my mind”? I hadn’t got as far as sharing my surname with him but he could find me if he wanted to.

Then the day came and in the early evening, I convinced myself that I must be safe…until I received his text.

Over the course of that evening, I was called some of the most offensive names I’ve ever heard. Den was vile and vicious. Insults from the personal and private things I’d told him were slung my way. When I tried to explain myself he cut me short with a torrent of abuse. He told me, among other things, that he hoped I died with the limited experience I had.

It was a massive learning curve. I knew never to be so open, honest and dismissive of my instincts again. I shouldn’t have given him my number and I shouldn’t have given him personal details. Also, when I knew he wasn’t the right guy for me, I shouldn’t have been gutless. Instead I should have called time on the situation early on.

Thankfully, I got off lightly. Hideous names and insults were nothing compared to what could have happened if we’d met.

In my next post, I’ll share another story about my own imperfections when dating. There will even be a story about a situation I could have handled better. In the meantime, if you’d like to share your thoughts or experiences then please comment below or visit my Facebook page or Twitter page.

(Pokemon) Go For Me

pokemonPokemon Go is back in the news as it is one of the standout successes of 2016 and has had a recent upgrade that has got people playing again. It was initially an app that took over the world in the summer. Suddenly parks were swelled with crowds. People were camped out  and flicking their phones at unusual intervals. Others traipsed around town and city centres, heads bowed and oblivious to anything but a poke stop or another creature. Worse than bumping into strangers was the prospect of running out of balls or having even a Pidgey run away from you.

I confess I also became addicted to the game. Not only did it entertain me for hours but I even got asked out as a result of it. While playing Pokemon Go on a train a guy suddenly told me how much he liked gamer girls and then asked me out for a drink!

But there was more. Pokemon Go, and the memory of an ex who I knew would love that the game, inspired my free story Go For Me – the working title was Pokemon Go For Me. You can read an excerpt here on a previous post for Masturbation Monday. Warning – it’s dirty.

Go For Me: A short tale of erotic romance

go for me pokemonHolly has become addicted to playing Pokemon Go on her phone. She pretends it’s because she likes the game but really it reminds her of Lewis, the geeky guy who broke her heart. One night something unusual happens. Holly is lured, through the tricks of the game, to places she and Lewis had significant moments in their relationship. From the supermarket where they first met, fighting over a Star Wars droid, to the park where they had mind blowing sex after he played her the song he’d written for her. All the lures and memories seem to be leading her somewhere significant. But who is in control of this night and what will she find at the last location?

This short story is over 9,000 words and contains sexual situations and language only suitable for those aged 18+


It is available for free and can be downloaded as an epub file, mobi file or as a pdf

Click here to download (Pokemon) Go For Me epub version

Click here to download (Pokemon) Go For Me mobi version

Click here to download Pokemon Go For Me pdf version

Masturbation Monday – Go For Me

masturbation mondayMasturbation Monday

I’ve wanted to get involved with Masturbation Monday (thank you Kayla Lords for organising it every week) for some time now but never had the right story, excerpt or idea to post, until today.

Recently I started playing Pokemon Go and as with most things in my life it inspired a story of love and sex. Please find an excerpt of (Pokemon) Go For Me below. You can read it for free via Literotica or via my news or books page.


go for me pokemonThere were questions she attempted to form in her mind; how had he got the mini golf to open, was there anyone around? But none of it mattered when arousal filled every vein and her body quivered against him.

Edging him backwards, she lightly pushed him to the ground, making her intentions clear.

“You want to do it here?”

Holly nodded slowly, aware that her teeth were showing beneath the edges of her smile. Every part of him brought her joy but she’d never been as hungry for him as she was in that moment. The days without him made her want to consume him in a frenzy. She forced herself to relish every touch of his skin, each tickle of her senses. It was foolish to hope the intimacy would heal the last month of suffering but she had faith anyway.

The look of awe was on Lewis’ face again as his eyes swept up her form. Her feet were either side of him, her body poised and ready.

“What do you want?” I’m offering him the world, will he take it?

“I want you to scream my name until you’re hoarse. I want the wind to pick up the sounds of our love making. I want it to carry to those who will have blessing in their lives because they’ll learn what pleasure is just by hearing us.”

“How poetic,” she teased, her belief in their immediate future aiding her in relinquishing her fears, helping her to be whole again.

“And I want to be inside you.” His longing touched her more intimately than any of the recent touches she’d tried to give herself.

“You’d best take my knickers off me then.”

Leaning forward his lips brushed against her skin, worshipping the only part of her he could reach with his mouth. Lewis’ hands reached round and slowly slid up her calves, resting temporarily on the backs of her knees where he drew soft circles with the tips of his fingers.

It was as if everywhere he touched became an erogenous zone but only because of her lust for him. The hands slid higher, reaching under the hem of her flimsy dress before slowly caressing her bum cheeks.

A finger leisurely stroked across her lace covered entrance. Holly hissed in surprise.

“You’re meant to be removing them, not enjoying how they feel,” she said between gritted teeth.

The only response was another lazy stroke before he grabbed the waistband and dragged the lace down.

masturbation mondayLewis allowed her to step out of them before returning his hands to her arse. With great control he squeezed each cheek, as if discovering each fleshy handful for the first time.

“So soft,” he whispered. “Like two sexy peaches.”

Holly giggled until he eased his head under her dress and gave her clit a quick lick.

“Hmmm, very wet and juicy,” he murmured, before suckling gently, causing her to buckle against his mouth.

“Lewis,” she pleaded.

“I’ve missed this. I know not having it was my fault but I need this.” Pressing her bum firmly he pushed her hard against his mouth.

Holding and caressing his head between her hands didn’t stop the earthquake like shakes of her body as he lapped at her. Lewis was like a man kept prisoner for decades finally facing a pure stream of refreshing cold water that dripped down his throat with ease.

Each gentle touch of the tip of his tongue caused her body to hum with need. Anticipation held her tightly as he darted his thick muscle inside her. Holly tried to hold the orgasm and just enjoy the moment but his tongue snaked inside, massaging her like it was created for that purpose alone.

Easing his head away he made one request. “I want to be inside you when you come. I want to see your face when you scream my name.”

I can’t deny him anything. Kneeling down she straddled him, his hands continued to roam, massaging her bum while she ground against his hardness beneath his jeans.

His reaction was ecstasy laced with a desire deeper than she’d seen before. “I come alive with you, Holly. I don’t just mean during sex. My life is empty without you. I need you to be whole, both of us to be whole. I’m sorry for what happened, I really am.”

Putting a finger to his lips to quieten him had a different effect to the one she was expecting. Lewis captured her hand and brought his lips to the pulse point on the inside of her wrist. “I will be yours for as long as you want me. You’re my Pied Piper,” he said between kisses.

Smiling brighter than a blinding sun, she used her spare hand to unfasten his jeans before sliding her hand inside and wrapping her hand around his swollen member.

“No boxers today?”

“I tried to be more adventurous for you.”

“I don’t need adventure, I just need you,” she smiled serenely. “Although it does make for much easier access.”

Lewis released her long enough to grab a condom from his wallet and help her push his jeans down to his ankles.

“Would you put it on? I love watching you do it.” Ripping the foil with her teeth, she delighted at the way his erection pushed at her lips.

“Impatient little fucker, isn’t he?” she joked. Grabbing him roughly, she felt his whole body flinch and squirm as she pushed the rubber the whole way down his length, giving his balls a cheeky stroke. It was his turn to hiss.

Grinding against him brought him deliciously hard against her sensitive clit. The excruciating need emblazoned across his face gave her power, replacing the fear and sadness that had been buried deep for the last month. His eyes squinted against her glow.

Reaching for him, knowing he was already close, she lined him up between her lips.

“Now,” she requested.

The furrow of confusion didn’t last, need overtaking any other thought.

Quickly he thrust his pelvis up, penetrating her in one movement. The feeling of being suddenly full nearly triggered her orgasm but she held it at bay, temporarily.

Not yet, she thought, basking in the pleasure of his erection that pushed into her at increasing speed. Holly rocked against him, her legs acting as leverage. Lifting slightly before slamming down, she felt the fraught pace of his surging body. Lewis’ cries of ecstasy filled her heart, yanking her orgasm closer once more.

Nature was joining them like an orchestra preparing for the grand finale of a concerto. Wind rushed around them while birds rustled the leaves in the trees. The beauty was lost on her, it was him that held her raptured.

“Come for me, Holly. Throw your head back and come with me inside you. I want nothing more,” he demanded. Slow, gentle lovemaking would keep them enthralled later in his bed, where his strong arms would cocoon her while their mouths indulged on each other’s bodies. But for now they were two people who needed to revel in each other’s climax.

Once more she lifted herself and dropped back down as Lewis drove hard, like a beast, inside her. The savage thrust of his body brought an explosion of electricity to her nerve endings. In surrender, she arched her back and rode the swell of desire with vigour. The blinding lights were now within her head and, as she came, she screamed his name.

Lewis’ loud grunts matched her screams in fervour and he shook, bucking against her, his orgasm turning him into a creature that breathed a fire of passion as he clung to her body. Maybe drawn by a need for refuge, he sat up and held her tightly, their convulsing form turning them into one, wrecking their bodies yet provoking a deeper hunger for more.

H is for Heartbreak

Heartbreak doesn’t give you the warm and fuzzies does it?

With online dating, there will be heartbreak and it doesn’t hurt any less because it started virtually.

Mr Fumble was my first significant heartbreak. The name wasn’t a product of my experience with him. There was nothing fumble-like about his skills. The name arose when I chatted about him to a particular group of friends. I didn’t want to tell them what we really got up to so I said we fumbled and let them decipher the rest. This is the first time on this blog that I’ve relinquished my tell-all policy but with him some of my experiences will be remaining private.

Mr Fumble wasn’t always the easiest guy to message. Getting information and casual chat from him was akin to getting that last drop of ketchup out of a nearly empty bottle. He was reluctant to share too much and shy with the deeper stuff. Many weeks later, I realised why. Mr Fumble had been badly hurt in the past and to say his fences were up and high would be a massive understatement. The guy was damaged and wasn’t letting anyone in. The messages usually involved me asking questions about his day and what his work involved. The answers were short, surface stuff but he continued to answer, encouraging me to ask and revealing a little each day.

sexting heartbreakThe evening that the messages neared dirty, flirting territory I was so taken aback I thought I was reading them wrong. When he talked about the gooey centres of the cookies I was baking, the moistness of my brownies and how firm my muffins were, it was fiercely against character and anything we’d discussed previously. I genuinely thought he was a massive fan of baking. Eventually the sexual tease behind his words were revealed and flirting continued in earnest.

One evening, I passed on my number but he was reticent to use it, blaming phone signal and a crap phone.

Maybe as you read this a thought has arisen, “Come on Rebecca, there’s clearly something fishy about this guy.” I suspected the same, there seemed to be something crucial about him I didn’t know and couldn’t work out. I hope even now that he wasn’t married or a compulsive liar because I can’t be sure.

One of the problems with internet dating is that there are some things we may never know about the potentials we like. These things may be as significant as their real surname or past/current relationships.

When online dating, we have to trust our instincts and the advice of our wiser friends. We also need to remember to NEVER send money. There are some untrustworthy people out there and if something seems off then it probably is. If someone we’ve never met is declaring their love for us while asking for us to send money then we move on. I know, from experience that when our hearts get that fluttering, glowing feeling and excitement seems to be a daily thrill that we thought we’d never feel again then our judgement can be as useful as a chocolate condom. But having a clear head is a sad necessity.

Players and scoundrels don’t just frequent the online dating scene. I’ve also met some male and female villains in real life too. People who seem less than genuine are everywhere. Maybe you can think of those you know in your work or social circles who’ve cheated on their partners and have secret addictions to gambling, drugs and illicit encounters. It can take years for you to learn these secrets. Just because you meet someone online doesn’t mean you have to be ruthlessly suspicious of them but trusting your instincts is important.

hot guy heartbreakLet’s get back to Mr Fumble. Eventually, he did use my number and we began to text every day; during the day and a lot during the evenings. It wasn’t long before he was the last person I said goodnight to before my head hit the pillow and the first person I hoped for a message from when I woke. He almost always delivered. Messages included anything from cheeky thoughts to our deepest issues and life experiences.

The day he broached the idea of speaking on the phone I freaked out. I was too terrified and adamantly declined. The phone isn’t my ally at the best of times. I’m the kind of person who accidentally says “Kind Regards” at the end of an answer machine message then calls again to apologise for being an arse. But things changed. The decision to speak on the phone needed to be mine. After some days of consideration and no pressure from Mr Fumble we finally spoke. Hearing his voice gave me a smile that rose from my stomach up, eclipsing my entire body with a glow that had no chance of leaving. It was everything I’d been scared of hoping for. Within a couple of hours I was as happy as a teenage boy at a porn star convention.

A meeting after that was inevitable. In his typical closed way, he dropped some hints and in my excitement I welcomed them with open arms.

The day of our meeting started as a normal day for me until I got a text asking if I was still free because he could be there in two and a half hours.

Me: Yeah, sure. That would be great. See you soon.


I did the usual; shower, shave, moisturise, try on about forty different outfits, perfect make-up, sweat all the make-up off with stress and then attempt to apply it again. I was so nervous I thought I might vomit before he arrived. A massive ball of stress that resided in my intestines was growing at alarming rate. God forbid I’d have to speak to him!

The moment the doorbell rang I swept open the door and saw the coolest, dark haired epitome of sexiness standing in front of me.

Excitement exploded.

I was disarmed too. A date with Mr Fumble was something I should have prepared myself for mentally as well as physically.

kissing heartbreakAfter getting this far into the post you may have an image of me in your head. There may be some pre-conceptions about my personality and my behaviour. I shall leave you to them, I’m not keen to find them out. But my date with Mr Fumble will remain between me and him and the couple of people we may have told since.

All I shall let you know is that Mr Fumble arrived at midday on one day and left at midday the next. Over the course of that 24hour period, we had coffee, chatted, laughed, went for a walk, had dinner, chatted some more and spent the rest of the time…fumbling.

For those twenty-four hours, I was beaming with joy. I felt like I was at the start of something special.

But twenty minutes before he left I watched his fences go up. The Mr Fumble I’d spent the last day with disappeared and was replaced with a closed off, unrecognisable man. Walking out my house he politely said goodbye and promised to text when he got home. Just like that he was gone.

You may think I was the most gullible, naive idiot that ever walked the earth. I have thought that often enough myself. You may be certain that the contact was over, while secretly hoping for a happy ending. But H is for Heartbreak after all…

Locking the front door with a shaky hand and a heavy heart I thought I would never hear from him again. Mr Fumble was out of my life and would never be a part of it. I was wrong, to some extent. The messages flooded my phone as soon as he got home. We texted non-stop for the next two days.

Sadly, over the next five months his texts got more sporadic but never stopped until I told him to leave me alone. I was struggling to move on and he clearly didn’t want a relationship. On occasion, for about a year after, I continued to hear from him, until I decided to block him for a couple of weeks. I have no idea why he stayed in contact. It could have been a keenness for more fumbling or because he was bored. Whatever the true reason I never learnt it because I wouldn’t agree to see him again.

However much he annoyed and upset me, I will always have a fondness for Mr Fumble. In his defence, he never promised anything he wasn’t willing to give. Everything he gave me was incredible and life-changing. If I could do our initial texting, call and meet-up again, and I was still single, would I? Possibly. Being full of regrets is a fruitless experience.

I shed a lot of tears over him when he started distancing himself and then several more over the next months. Maybe my instincts and lack of experience did betray me. I guess only Mr Fumble knows the answer to that.

There has been heartbreak and many tears shed since him.

Friends wondered in the past, “How can you stay hopeful that you’ll find what you’re looking for?”

After my heart was broken my hope seemed to die for a while too. I have been left wondering what’s the point, how can I find what I’m looking for? Is there something wrong with me? After heartbreak, I used to stop dating and reassess because I don’t do rebound dating. But that’s a personal choice I made. I was told once, by a colleague, that rebound is the best time to date. I’ve seen people get hurt when we date on the rebound. It may give us validation and help us move on in the short term but it usually comes back to bite us on the arse.

After Mr Fumble made it clear that a relationship wasn’t going to happen I went straight back online. As a result I made some reckless and nearly dangerous decisions.

People jump back on to the apps and sites for many reasons, sometimes because it’s a simple need to get their end away. Sexual need is difficult to ignore especially when you’ve been getting it regularly. But if you just want to get your end away then be honest about it. Don’t deceive people into thinking you’re looking for more.

When I started writing this a while back my hope took a beating. It was inevitable after recalling and revisiting these experiences but then I met up with some friends who had met through online dating. They told me of their experience. There were familiar situations, for example one didn’t reply initially and distance caused a couple of issues. But a relationship slowly developed over chatting, meeting up and dating.

So, when I asked them, “How can I still have hope when I have heartbreak inside me?” I was told that you have to prepare for heartbreak when you date but then sometimes you get lucky and it does work out. At this point, they gave each other such a grin of nauseating joy that had I not been sticking my fingers down my throat I would have got caught up in it. It was a smile that only genuine, caring love lives in and was the display of encouragement I needed.

Fight for meSo, heartbreak does happen and it can temporarily destroy us. But H is for Hope too because online dating does work out, people keep trying and they enjoy themselves in the process. And one positive from Mr Fumble is that it gave me my love of men in military uniform, which helped inspire my erotic romance short story Fight For Me, which is available to download.

I’d love to know how you’ve dealt with heartbreak in dating. You can share your thoughts or experiences by commenting below or visiting my Facebook page.