Phil Dew part 2 – Could I Change Him?

If you missed part one of my Phil Dew experience and why I decided to play games then you can read it here. If you’re up to date enjoy what happened next.

Can You Change Someone?

changeMy mum once told me, “Don’t ever think you can change a man because you can’t.”

I should have realised when Phil first told me that the distance was too much that I wasn’t a game player. Ball games have never been part of my skill set…!

I was heading for a romance car crash if I thought I had any chance of swaying Phil’s decision. Sadly not only did I ignore the saying, I also ignored my instincts. More worryingly I ignored everything I’d already witnessed about Phil. The guy liked to have things his way and was as stubborn as me. Eventually we did go on that first date and it lasted eight hours.

everyone knowsIt was filled with laughter, smiles, the sort of subtle touches you make when you want to grab each other and kiss but are too scared to do anything so bold. In the end there was kissing, in a park where we enjoyed the warming sun. Our kissing was accompanied by a guy playing a guitar and singing so badly that Phil was ready to break the wood in two but the kissing kept him busy enough to control his annoyance.

So it all ended okay after the date and we lived happily ever after?

Don’t be so ridiculous.

What could go wrong?

Our friendship, where we refused to acknowledge the distance while continuing to talk about how much we cared about each other and rejecting the option to date other people carried on at a heady pace. I visited him for the weekend and got on with his friends. Even his dog loved me and his “little” Philip seemed happy to be in my company too, not that we got too physical. I guess holding that back was part of my ineffective game plan.

But none of this mattered because eventually things came to a head when I invited him to stay at mine. The avoidance tactic wasn’t working for either of us anymore. In typical fashion it wasn’t a grown up sharing of well thought out opinions it was the thrown out insults of two hurting people forced into a situation where there was no happy solution.

The real friendship and romance ended there

That evening tears brimmed at my eyes and eventually I sobbed. It was the teen romance I’d never experienced. Since then we’ve tried chatting a couple of times but it’s never worked. The trust, the care and the friendship had already been destroyed. No one who has genuinely cared about me has hurt me to the extent that he did and so the friendship couldn’t go back in time. I guess if I’d let it lie when he originally said he couldn’t do distance things might have been different but in the long run it caused more hurt than it healed.

Maybe if we’d lived in the same town we would have been a couple or maybe just best friends. I’ll never know. In the end none of it matters because when it’s not right for one person there’s nothing you can do about it.

It might be that you have extremely differing opinions on significant things. Does that mean there’s no future? Other times you might find you’re not in the right place to be dating. Maybe you’re hurting, jaded, tired or have too much going on in your life.

Ditch the Apps

I was once told “It’s better to be stuck on a shelf than locked in a cupboard”.

In other words it’s better to be single for a while than trapped with the wrong person.

If you need a break from online dating for a while then take that break. I did it for different reasons.

hipster changeDelete the apps from your phone, watch some television or catch up with your friends. It’s okay to take a break and it’s better than damaging your instincts and ending up with a psycho or a hipster… What could be worse?

If you have had an experience like this then let me know in the comments section or via my Facebook page or Twitter page. Or maybe you can tell me what is worse than a hipster, you’ll need a convincing argument though. Surely they’re the pits?

N is for Not Right

online datingIf you’ve missed any of my stories take a look in the categories section for A-Z Online Dating. Make sure you catch up on  Stallion Stan first here the next post on him is coming soon.

Sometimes the Situation Isn’t Right

The guy/woman isn’t right for you and you’re not right for them. Generally when this decision has been made by either you or the person you’re dating nothing can be done to change it.

If people have told you you’re not right for them, especially if you can’t see the point they’re making then you may be left wondering what the “real” reason for what’s going on is. You may try and change yourself so you can be what they want. I know I did.

But don’t, well, kind of don’t. No one is perfect and there should always be a little willing to reduce the arsehole parts of yourself or compromise and understand that some behaviours and habits are unnecessary when you’ve got an additional focus in your life.

If someone doesn’t want to continue dating you because you’re a bit tubby and they only date skinny potentials then they’re  not right one for you. Maybe they will only go on a third date if you always pay for everything, including the most expensive meals and presents. Yet they have no intention in treating you then stop and ditch! If you’re looking for long term and it’s starting like this then what’s it going to be like in two months or six months’ time? Respect goes both ways.

I Don’t Want to Destroy Someone

My aim when I was looking for a long term someone wasn’t to find any old person irrespective of how they treated me. I didn’t want to crush the soul of another person so we don’t have to be alone on Saturday night. I’m hoping that’s worked out, sometimes my boyfriend’s soul seems a bit crushed though…

Not right too shortThere might be other reasons that we couldn’t change if we wanted to. Between my friends we’ve heard a lot of these reasons; too tall, too short, too stupid, too religious, too easy, not experienced enough or worse no reason at all. We’re left making up our own reasons, which is never good.

Introducing Phil Dew

My story of such idiocy involved Phil Dew. Initially his dating tactics were pretty annoying. He’d message me repeatedly over several hours just to get one reply. It sounds a bit creepy in black and white but I realised early on it was for different reasons. Phil was pretty inexperienced and hadn’t learnt to play it cool. The man was filled with an enthusiasm he was desperate to share. Friends suggested I should ignore him and his weirdness but I couldn’t, there was something endearing about him.

Eventually he coaxed out my well-hidden silly side. It was time, care and support that I’d never experienced before.

Quickly I saw that although we lived ninety miles away with completely different backgrounds and experiences we had a lot in common. We constantly made each other laugh and seemed to have one of those freaky brain connections that meant we understood each other without explanation, even when no one else had a clue. Phil just had to mention a random character from an eighties film and I knew exactly who he was talking about and everything about the movie. We talked to each other all day every day and never ran out of conversation. If it wasn’t a voice message or text it was a random photo that left each other chuckling. We constantly tried to outdo each other in humour, although frequently he won. I’d never met anyone like him.

“The One”?

I’ve never believed in “the one” but for a millisecond I thought maybe true love did exist and I’d found mine. At the very least I’d found a friend for life in each other.

There were still moments where things went wrong. One day Phil texted me a photo of an event he was at. I pointed out the freaky looking woman at the edge of the picture. I thought Phil was joking when he said it was his mum.

He wasn’t.

There were also the nights he drunk called me but had to pause while he vomited in a bush before insisting that I tell him how much I liked him. This was usually followed by him oversharing with how much he fancied me. Even in these and many more awkward moments time spent speaking to him brought me a joy that I’d thought was impossible. I was nervously excited for our first date.

But before the date even happened Phil Dew told me that he couldn’t go through with it even though he liked me a lot. A long distance relationship wasn’t something he could do.

Not right cryingI was devastated

“We haven’t even given ourselves enough of a chance, we haven’t even met. It’s only an hour and a half drive, at the most,” I ranted to my housemate. But to Phil it was like we were on different continents.

I was too upset to speak to him but eventually he won me over.

Phil: I know you must hate me right now, I’m upset too.

Phil: The day isn’t right if I don’t get to hear from you.

So I came up with a new tactic. I thought eventually I could convince Phil he was wrong because he obviously liked me and we got on really well. Surely the distance couldn’t be that much of a problem? And so began one of the most clueless portions of my life.

To be continued…

Please tell me if you’ve been given a crap reason for being ditched and what your reaction was in the comments section or via my Facebook page or Twitter page. And if you want me to answer any questions in my blog please drop me a message.

One Year Anniversary

The Boyfriend Gets a Mention

I’ve blogged about past dates on and off for the last year but have always tried to refrain from mentioning my boyfriend.

But today I’m changing that.

Boyfriend kissFor one blog post only

Today is our year anniversary and that is a  big deal for us. I’d never had a proper boyfriend before him. He’d never had a relationship longer than a couple of months before me and neither of us are young enough for that to be “normal”. For the two years I was online dating he was the first guy to get beyond three dates. Every guy on my blog has a nickname. On the rare times I tweeted about him he was Snake Man.

These days I call him Banjo.

Banjo

Tonight we’re recreating our first date, only this time we’re getting the bus together, going to the bar where I changed into my date shoes together and we’ll go back to mine together too.

Sometimes you read people’s relationship beginnings and they talk about an instant spark, a heady romance, how they were inseparable from the first hello.

It wasn’t like that with Banjo.

But before I get into that I’ll tell you about before our dinner date. Dating, especially online dating, can be soul destroying. You get hurt, jaded, confidence drops and sometimes you have to take a break – which never seems to last as long as you thought it would.

I’d been through it all but a year ago I was in a good place. I’d had my dating break and I knew that whatever happened it would be okay. I liked me again.

On the date we chatted and he was nice but there was no major spark. But there was no reason not to meet again either. In the past I would have said after one, maybe two dates, if it wasn’t setting me alight then it wasn’t worth continuing but I gave him a chance.

He asked me out again.

Second date. The bad date.

I wanted him to give me those accidental touches that made me feel something. None of that. In fact, during the date, he took me to a cookware shop because he needed a new oven dish!

I joke now that I got a better response from the cute stranger who passed me at the end of the date than I did from Banjo. But it’s no joke. He seemed to have no attraction to me and I walked back to my car disheartened.

Had Banjo texted me that day asking me out again it would have been a no. But he didn’t. He sent me general texts and being polite I replied. When he asked me out for a third date two days later I couldn’t say no, I’d texted myself into a corner.

The third date happened and still no spark but there was still no reason not to date. As it happens he was feeling the same. The best thing about that date was I caught my first Pikachu on the way home.

Fourth Date

I have no reason why we went on a fourth date, except he asked me. I wanted to do something different and he was on board. We started with pudding then went to a comedy show, then went out for poppadoms.

This date changed everything for him. Suddenly he felt that spark. He put his arm around me during the comedy show and I felt something but I wasn’t sure it was enough. But it wasn’t enough to stop dating either. I’d never given any guy this many chances.

I remember that my friends, family and even twitter were crucial for me in those days. I was regularly expressing my confusion and getting a variety of advice back. Thank you to all who listened to my ramblings during this time. I owe you.

Date 4.5 happened. I was writing in a coffee shop and he asked if he could join me for half an hour. He was keen but I was still struggling with mixed feelings.

Date Five

It was suddenly upon us and it was during this date that I decided I had to tell him it wasn’t working. During the date he said he didn’t like to be teased. I love to be teased. Clearly we weren’t right for each other.

He was lovely and caring but I couldn’t keep this endless round of dates going. It was time to say goodbye.

In the car, outside my house, we talked for an hour. I explained how I felt and for the first time I saw a very different Banjo. He was funny, sexy and relaxed. The tension had gone. The Banjo in front of me was a guy I’d be happy to get to know better.

And so I did.

Within a fortnight he’d cooked me a roast – that’s a big deal for someone who never saw her dad cook for her mum! I stayed over at his house because he wanted me there and I didn’t want to go home. He even gave me my own toothbrush head!

He met my best friend. We spent my birthday together, we took our first selfie. He tolerated me shouting the pisstake “relationship goals” at him at random opportunities.

BoyfriendBut also I’d never been in a relationship before and I was terrified. We worked through it and all the other issues. Life has moved on and somehow we’ve made it to a year.

Banjo isn’t my obvious type but he’s not the opposite of it either. He’s the man I want to be with and he has something that I always said I needed in a guy but never believed I’d find.

He’s patient.

I can be annoying, grumpy, hard work and exhausting. I also think I’m funny as f***. He puts up with everything and he revels in it too, albeit with a bit of a sigh at times.

Is he perfect? Hell no. Am I? Ummmm.

He even puts up with my incessant need to spank him on the bum whenever he bends even slightly. A “No,” might roar from his mouth, between chuckles, as he quickly tries to get from under his desk because he’s heard my footsteps sprinting across the wooden floor.

We’ve had our ups and downs. We’ve learnt what a relationship means to us. At the moment we’re debating moving in together. In some ways it’s a no-brainer but we’re also protective of our space. I believe it will happen before the end of the year but who knows? We may not be together in a year, I’m clueless about this stuff.

What has this relationship taught me?

That a lot of what happens in the dating world is luck. I know we’d never have met each other in real life. At any point we could have said in our early days of dating that it wasn’t working. And if I’d met him three years earlier I probably would have given up before 4/5 dates. When it comes to dating we can be quick to find the faults and not the good points, even in a profile.

Love dating boyfriendThere are no hard and fast rules in dating. Every situation is different. I’m glad we gave each other a chance when not many had given either of us chances before. I got lucky and so did he.

Honestly, I never expected to find a boyfriend that I liked. I went on a lot of dates but I’m genuinely surprised I ended up with someone. I got lucky.

Sorry if you found this post soppy, annoying or a waste of time.

But for once I wanted to talk about my boyfriend Banjo. If you want to share your own dating stories or thoughts then you can do it via the comments section or via my Facebook page or Twitter page.

H is for Heartbreak

Heartbreak doesn’t give you the warm and fuzzies does it?

With online dating, there will be heartbreak and it doesn’t hurt any less because it started virtually.

Mr Fumble was my first significant heartbreak. The name wasn’t a product of my experience with him. There was nothing fumble-like about his skills. The name arose when I chatted about him to a particular group of friends. I didn’t want to tell them what we really got up to so I said we fumbled and let them decipher the rest. This is the first time on this blog that I’ve relinquished my tell-all policy but with him some of my experiences will be remaining private.

Mr Fumble wasn’t always the easiest guy to message. Getting information and casual chat from him was akin to getting that last drop of ketchup out of a nearly empty bottle. He was reluctant to share too much and shy with the deeper stuff. Many weeks later, I realised why. Mr Fumble had been badly hurt in the past and to say his fences were up and high would be a massive understatement. The guy was damaged and wasn’t letting anyone in. The messages usually involved me asking questions about his day and what his work involved. The answers were short, surface stuff but he continued to answer, encouraging me to ask and revealing a little each day.

sexting heartbreakThe evening that the messages neared dirty, flirting territory I was so taken aback I thought I was reading them wrong. When he talked about the gooey centres of the cookies I was baking, the moistness of my brownies and how firm my muffins were, it was fiercely against character and anything we’d discussed previously. I genuinely thought he was a massive fan of baking. Eventually the sexual tease behind his words were revealed and flirting continued in earnest.

One evening, I passed on my number but he was reticent to use it, blaming phone signal and a crap phone.

Maybe as you read this a thought has arisen, “Come on Rebecca, there’s clearly something fishy about this guy.” I suspected the same, there seemed to be something crucial about him I didn’t know and couldn’t work out. I hope even now that he wasn’t married or a compulsive liar because I can’t be sure.

One of the problems with internet dating is that there are some things we may never know about the potentials we like. These things may be as significant as their real surname or past/current relationships.

When online dating, we have to trust our instincts and the advice of our wiser friends. We also need to remember to NEVER send money. There are some untrustworthy people out there and if something seems off then it probably is. If someone we’ve never met is declaring their love for us while asking for us to send money then we move on. I know, from experience that when our hearts get that fluttering, glowing feeling and excitement seems to be a daily thrill that we thought we’d never feel again then our judgement can be as useful as a chocolate condom. But having a clear head is a sad necessity.

Players and scoundrels don’t just frequent the online dating scene. I’ve also met some male and female villains in real life too. People who seem less than genuine are everywhere. Maybe you can think of those you know in your work or social circles who’ve cheated on their partners and have secret addictions to gambling, drugs and illicit encounters. It can take years for you to learn these secrets. Just because you meet someone online doesn’t mean you have to be ruthlessly suspicious of them but trusting your instincts is important.

hot guy heartbreakLet’s get back to Mr Fumble. Eventually, he did use my number and we began to text every day; during the day and a lot during the evenings. It wasn’t long before he was the last person I said goodnight to before my head hit the pillow and the first person I hoped for a message from when I woke. He almost always delivered. Messages included anything from cheeky thoughts to our deepest issues and life experiences.

The day he broached the idea of speaking on the phone I freaked out. I was too terrified and adamantly declined. The phone isn’t my ally at the best of times. I’m the kind of person who accidentally says “Kind Regards” at the end of an answer machine message then calls again to apologise for being an arse. But things changed. The decision to speak on the phone needed to be mine. After some days of consideration and no pressure from Mr Fumble we finally spoke. Hearing his voice gave me a smile that rose from my stomach up, eclipsing my entire body with a glow that had no chance of leaving. It was everything I’d been scared of hoping for. Within a couple of hours I was as happy as a teenage boy at a porn star convention.

A meeting after that was inevitable. In his typical closed way, he dropped some hints and in my excitement I welcomed them with open arms.

The day of our meeting started as a normal day for me until I got a text asking if I was still free because he could be there in two and a half hours.

Me: Yeah, sure. That would be great. See you soon.

AAAGGGGHHHH!!!!

I did the usual; shower, shave, moisturise, try on about forty different outfits, perfect make-up, sweat all the make-up off with stress and then attempt to apply it again. I was so nervous I thought I might vomit before he arrived. A massive ball of stress that resided in my intestines was growing at alarming rate. God forbid I’d have to speak to him!

The moment the doorbell rang I swept open the door and saw the coolest, dark haired epitome of sexiness standing in front of me.

Excitement exploded.

I was disarmed too. A date with Mr Fumble was something I should have prepared myself for mentally as well as physically.

kissing heartbreakAfter getting this far into the post you may have an image of me in your head. There may be some pre-conceptions about my personality and my behaviour. I shall leave you to them, I’m not keen to find them out. But my date with Mr Fumble will remain between me and him and the couple of people we may have told since.

All I shall let you know is that Mr Fumble arrived at midday on one day and left at midday the next. Over the course of that 24hour period, we had coffee, chatted, laughed, went for a walk, had dinner, chatted some more and spent the rest of the time…fumbling.

For those twenty-four hours, I was beaming with joy. I felt like I was at the start of something special.

But twenty minutes before he left I watched his fences go up. The Mr Fumble I’d spent the last day with disappeared and was replaced with a closed off, unrecognisable man. Walking out my house he politely said goodbye and promised to text when he got home. Just like that he was gone.

You may think I was the most gullible, naive idiot that ever walked the earth. I have thought that often enough myself. You may be certain that the contact was over, while secretly hoping for a happy ending. But H is for Heartbreak after all…

Locking the front door with a shaky hand and a heavy heart I thought I would never hear from him again. Mr Fumble was out of my life and would never be a part of it. I was wrong, to some extent. The messages flooded my phone as soon as he got home. We texted non-stop for the next two days.

Sadly, over the next five months his texts got more sporadic but never stopped until I told him to leave me alone. I was struggling to move on and he clearly didn’t want a relationship. On occasion, for about a year after, I continued to hear from him, until I decided to block him for a couple of weeks. I have no idea why he stayed in contact. It could have been a keenness for more fumbling or because he was bored. Whatever the true reason I never learnt it because I wouldn’t agree to see him again.

However much he annoyed and upset me, I will always have a fondness for Mr Fumble. In his defence, he never promised anything he wasn’t willing to give. Everything he gave me was incredible and life-changing. If I could do our initial texting, call and meet-up again, and I was still single, would I? Possibly. Being full of regrets is a fruitless experience.

I shed a lot of tears over him when he started distancing himself and then several more over the next months. Maybe my instincts and lack of experience did betray me. I guess only Mr Fumble knows the answer to that.

There has been heartbreak and many tears shed since him.

Friends wondered in the past, “How can you stay hopeful that you’ll find what you’re looking for?”

After my heart was broken my hope seemed to die for a while too. I have been left wondering what’s the point, how can I find what I’m looking for? Is there something wrong with me? After heartbreak, I used to stop dating and reassess because I don’t do rebound dating. But that’s a personal choice I made. I was told once, by a colleague, that rebound is the best time to date. I’ve seen people get hurt when we date on the rebound. It may give us validation and help us move on in the short term but it usually comes back to bite us on the arse.

After Mr Fumble made it clear that a relationship wasn’t going to happen I went straight back online. As a result I made some reckless and nearly dangerous decisions.

People jump back on to the apps and sites for many reasons, sometimes because it’s a simple need to get their end away. Sexual need is difficult to ignore especially when you’ve been getting it regularly. But if you just want to get your end away then be honest about it. Don’t deceive people into thinking you’re looking for more.

When I started writing this a while back my hope took a beating. It was inevitable after recalling and revisiting these experiences but then I met up with some friends who had met through online dating. They told me of their experience. There were familiar situations, for example one didn’t reply initially and distance caused a couple of issues. But a relationship slowly developed over chatting, meeting up and dating.

So, when I asked them, “How can I still have hope when I have heartbreak inside me?” I was told that you have to prepare for heartbreak when you date but then sometimes you get lucky and it does work out. At this point, they gave each other such a grin of nauseating joy that had I not been sticking my fingers down my throat I would have got caught up in it. It was a smile that only genuine, caring love lives in and was the display of encouragement I needed.

Fight for meSo, heartbreak does happen and it can temporarily destroy us. But H is for Hope too because online dating does work out, people keep trying and they enjoy themselves in the process. And one positive from Mr Fumble is that it gave me my love of men in military uniform, which helped inspire my erotic romance short story Fight For Me, which is available to download.

I’d love to know how you’ve dealt with heartbreak in dating. You can share your thoughts or experiences by commenting below or visiting my Facebook page.

Fight For Me: a short tale of erotic romance

New Book alert! Fight for meAlthough you can find Fight For Me in the Crave For Me anthology I decided it was time it got its own release. I remember sitting down to plan this book out on a cold November night in a quiet cafe. It wasn’t the obvious setting for an erotic romance brimming with love but that didn’t stop me. When I was younger I was too shy to talk to the guys I had crushes on. During my teens and 20s there were several crushes that made my palms sweaty and my face beetroot red. Unfortunately it never went further. The inability to flirt, even chat to guys I had crushes on inspired a lot of my writing, including this story.

But that wasn’t the only inspiration.

You’ll see from my A-Z of Online Dating blog posts that I’ve had some good and bad dates. One of the good ones, that will feature under H is for Heartbreak was Mr Fumble. He was a squaddie that broke my heart but he also made a massive impact on many things, including my imagination. That was where the inspiration started.

But it needed somewhere else to go. I have always had a love of stories where females fall in love with their brother’s best friends. But I can’t explain why. I had lukewarm feelings for several of my brother’s friends when I was younger but none of them stood out. None of them captured my lust, brought me joy or made me laugh like the male protagonist in Fight For Me.

Fight for me Crave

Joe is a hot and cocky yet endearing and humorous soldier who our female protagonist Jules has always fancied. Although she has successfully avoided him for years, when she realised he could never be the man she wanted, she has continued to love him. The rumour among her family was that he couldn’t get leave from the army for Jules’ brother’s wedding. But would he really miss his best friend’s wedding or the chance to see Jules again?

Let Joe be your new book boyfriend. I’m certain I wouldn’t be able to resist him.

You can buy the book by clicking on this link or any of the links on my books page.

Please enjoy the excerpt below and tell me, have you ever had a kiss like this?

Excerpt

“I see you have no wedding ring. Are you here alone? Always alone aren’t you, Pencil? It seems to suit you well. No friends, no husband, no nothing.” Freya and Annabella giggled next to her, the monster was laughing in her face once more.

Say anything, get the fuckers back with your words. She opened her mouth but all that came out was a barely audible squeak. They cackled in response.

Hands suddenly found her hips, gripping tightly, their strength easily turning her shocked body around, before soft lips brushed against hers. Her eyes fluttered closed in the pleasure of the moment. It was a graceful, gentle kiss at first but quickly escalated into a needy, passionate embrace. Jules had no idea who the man demanding such heat was and she was reluctant to open her eyes and find out. This was a kiss of longing and she was drowning in it.

The stranger pressed his strong firm body against her swollen breasts. For a second she questioned what she was doing, but any reluctance was crushed as she willingly opened her mouth to his sensuous and insistent tongue easing her lips apart. Hands slid hungrily to the flesh of her bottom, squeezing it expertly through her jeans, pulling her closer. There was an unexpected opulence to his touch and she felt a hardness pressing into her that raised her curiosity as quickly as it increased the ache between her legs.

The rumble of the music travelled through each nerve of her body but her senses continued to stay keenly focused on him. His minty breath fought with the mixture of spirits still on her tongue. The smell of musky deodorant mingled with sweat and something almost woody, which caused her nose to tingle as she felt the material of his clothes against her skin. Rough material rubbed against her lower back where her top had lifted slightly, heightening her arousal and making her force him closer. Delicate fingertips found the bristles of hair on his neck and tentatively she stroked them. Who is this guy? That hardness is all mine.

Air was fading from her lungs but she didn’t want to stop. She was unrestrained, controlled by a force beyond reason, as she rubbed mercilessly against his firm straining crotch. The alcohol that had filled her bloodstream brought flushed and heady sensations but still she embraced the arousal that heated her body throughout. A rough tongue massaged hers with expert skill as his fingertips toyed with the hem of her rising top.

I’m almost out of air, I need to breathe. Hands climbed quickly, sensing a rearing of her head, pressing a little harder against her neck, as if he wasn’t ready to let her go. I want this kiss more than I want to breathe but I need to know who is bringing me to these heights. It could be anyone. What if someone is playing a joke on me?

Jules’ green eyes fluttered open and took a moment to focus, searching through the slight fuzz of alcohol that still clouded her pupils. Oh my God, it can’t be. As if her memories had synchronised to stab her in her heart while playing cruel games with her senses, she realised she was looking at the one man she thought she’d successfully avoided for life.

Joe was home and she was in his arms. Shit!

“Alright, Jules? Just follow my lead,” he whispered in her ear, before giving her one of the signature cheeky grins she’d missed.

“Sweetheart, I’ve found you. Sorry I was late, you know what the army is like. There are always people who need rescuing.”

Words failed her. What the hell is he doing here? And what the fuck was with that kiss?

F is for Fences…

fencesEveryone comes to dating and relationships with baggage. As I get older I find that people seem to be carrying a massive suitcase of pain and past hurts and experiences. Baggage is rarely just one bag, there’s usually lots of little carry-on bags in tow too. But if we all have our own baggage why does it feel like a struggle at times to find someone with tolerance for our problems?

Baggage can create fences. Fences stop us getting close to someone. It might be that the potential we want to date has their fences up because they’re scared of what might happen. Maybe we remind them of someone who has hurt them in the past or they have issues they’re not ready to deal with.

Fences… Barriers and Baggage

It’s real life story time. So, settle back and get ready to hear about my dates with Dry Humphrey. I should probably warn you that this story doesn’t have a happy ending, which is the sort of ending he was hoping for.

Dry Humphrey was a nice guy, easy to chat to and early-on it became apparent that we saw the world in a similar way. His goal was a relationship that might one day lead to marriage and kids and not just one night of hot, steamy passion. I was looking for the same. I still didn’t want him to get too carried away, after all we had to meet first. What if we came face to face and realised the attraction was as dry as a lesbian at a sausage buffet?

There was no denying that Humphrey was excited and reining him in was an impossible job. Within forty-eight hours of us chatting, he’d cancelled a date with another woman because he already liked me too much. Talk about pressure to bring the goods when we did meet! We decided that until we met we wouldn’t chat to anyone else online. It seemed a bit of a reckless strategy and not something I’d done so early with someone before but I went with it.

My Baggage

My own baggage contains some issues that have developed since using these sites. I can find it difficult to trust when I know I’m not the only one residing in the guy’s little black book. But that’s the nature of online dating and I’ve got used to it. Still, for some reason I trusted Humphrey and it was a refreshing experience.

The day of the first date came. I drove to the pub in my “first date dress” that hints at my figure but doesn’t lay it out on a silver platter. Excitement clenched at my stomach but I desperately tried to push it away. Would this be my “last first date”, or would I be bolting from the pub?

fencesThe biggest surprise of the date was that he brought his dog with him. It was a real dog, not a metaphor for his dick. An unlikely sidekick for a date but it gave a semi-relaxed state to the evening. The date went okay. It wasn’t a bolt of lightning but we chatted for a couple of hours, kissed goodbye and overall I had a slight glimmer from the experience. Feelings grow and just because there isn’t instant inner glow doesn’t mean we shouldn’t consider a second date. So along came the second date. This one was at his house. I’d prepared dinner and together we watched shit television. Again, it was mostly a good evening. We even fooled around a bit.

Getting Past the Fences

Reader, I doubt you won’t be surprised to know that I’m not chaste but I didn’t want to rush into the physical side. I didn’t just want a quick shag against the wall. Based on my own dating experiences, I have some fences up and I didn’t want to regret moving too fast. The kissing and other things were pleasant, but there were also long periods of time where his hands were constantly on the move, trying to find ways of reducing my clothing, trying to push me further than I was willing to go. But he was still generally patient when I said stop. Dry Humphrey was a horndog and eventually gave up when he realised his cock wasn’t welcome in the location he wanted. And so, we chilled out for a bit, continued to get to know each other and made plans for our next date.

Another date at his house began. I guess the signs were obvious that this evening he was aiming for the same desperately needed conclusion. I had a foolproof plan. I was wearing jeans that were like Fort Knox. There was no way he could get them off. I was wrong! You can’t thwart a man with a boner. Male soldiers should go to war like that. Countries would be conquered in mere seconds so that the throbbing squaddies could rush home to their willing partners.

Even the Dog was Unimpressed

The date made me feel like an unyielding piece of meat. I did everything to distract his attention because he only had one aim, and foreplay wasn’t it. Even his dog was unimpressed by his seduction technique. That’s right, his dog was in the room too. Thankfully, I left his house with my dignity and knickers still intact.

Things changed after that. The idea of getting to know each other better became superfluous. He even texted to cancel our date to a restaurant because he was too tired to go out and the next time he saw me at his house he wanted to “go all the way.” My first response was, “What thirty-year-old says that?” My second was, “When did I just become a hole for him to fill?” It appeared my personality and anything else that made me a human were unnecessary. I was a glory hole now.

Strangely, I wasn’t motivated to contact Dry Humphrey so when he didn’t reply to my last text I was relieved. A week later, I got a text. It turned out Humphrey had been in a couple of sexually incompatible relationships and he didn’t want to end up in another. In my aim of getting to know him better, I’d shared information from my own past. Ultimately, he wanted to check we could have “penetrative sex” before we got into anything further so that he could “gauge the scale of the problem”. From what I could see, Humphrey’s baggage ruled his cock and as a result impassable fences were erected.

Fences Built Higher

baggageThings between us ended there and sadly my fences have got a little bit higher, as a result. In another place at another time, when our fences hadn’t been built with others in mind, maybe it would have worked between us. But personally I wanted to see we were compatible in lots of different ways, including sexually. I’ve heard the phrase “try before you buy” but in that experience it felt more like shoplifting. Potentials, just so you’re aware, sex is more than just shoving the penis in for quick satisfaction.

This is a big topic so I’ll talk some more about baggage and the fences we all build in the next blog post. If you’ve missed any of the previous posts from my A-Z of Online Dating, click on “Select Category” in the right-hand column and select “A-Z Online Dating.”

E is for Everyone Knows Someone Who…

Any time I’ve spoken with groups of mainly female friends I hear the same stories. At first there might be some encouraging words or curiosity about the guy I’m chatting to. But eventually I hear: “I know a couple who met online and now they’re married.”

Online dating works…

online dating worksPeople do fall in love with potentials they meet online and some even get married. It’s the selling point for many online dating sites. For example, each say something along the lines of:

  • they have more marriages than the other sites
  • they have more enduring marriages
  • they have more meaningful matches
  • they have more relationships than other sites.

Even the sites that seem to be based around hook-ups appear to have had people meet and marry. I read last year about an Olympic gold medallist meeting her soldier husband on a site that is renowned for its casual dates.

You Have to Take the Bad…

As I said, everyone knows someone and these happy marital endings do exist. But they’re not the only experiences people have. I suspect that for every marriage there is also someone who has seen a dick pic they didn’t want, chatted to a shithead or psycho, been on a date with a weirdo or had a second date they sincerely regret. However, these experiences aren’t only reserved for online dating. There are freaks and weirdos all over the place.

I recall a guy from university at our summer ball. I was sitting in the corner of the hall, looking bedraggled and exhausted, and he obviously thought that I would be easy pickings. The dude had misread the situation and so, when he invited me outside for some “fresh air,” he got a knock back he probably wasn’t expecting. Unfortunately for him, I wasn’t drunk but completely sober and suffering with a throat infection. I can safely say that no amount of alcohol would have been enough for me to spend time alone with him. Not only did he have a worrying resemblance to a rat both in looks and personality, he had a reputation for being a complete prick and doing whatever it took to get laid. The rat is probably torturing women via online dating sites as we speak.

…With the Good

But, in case you were looking for a bit more hope from this chapter, then I can tell you that I know of at least eight couples who met through online dating, all long term and most of them now married. The sites they met on were as varied as their personalities and they were well suited to each other.

One couple’s story brings a smile to my face rather than a harassed eye roll. We’ll call them Summer Breeze and Hugh Lovin. Summer was a slightly older lady who had been cajoled by friends into trying online dating. Her husband had died when she was younger and although dating, especially online, terrified her she eventually built up the courage to log on. The massive glass of wine she downed beforehand helped too.

Hugh, a guy who’d split up with his wife years earlier, was the first person that Summer spoke to. Almost immediately they were enamoured with each other. They had loads in common, even their “baggage”, and what started as two people casually chatting on opposite sides of the country quickly became emails back and forth sent throughout the evening. The next step was a phone call, which quickly turned into three-hour phone calls every night. This was leading up to the inevitable first meeting. After all, they couldn’t spend all their evenings chatting, they had to go into the big wide world sometimes too. Did they dare meet or were they going to run scared at the possibility of finally seeing each other face to face?

They did meet.

The day of the meeting finally arrived. Summer stood nervously on the train station platform, fingers trembling and her heart beating erratically. Watching Hugh stumble off the train she realised two things; her first date in an age, the man she’d been chatting to and silently pinned her hopes on, was nervous and he was tipsy. Would she walk away despondent that he’d arrived a little sozzled before lunchtime and potentially ruined their first meeting? No, it gave her the perfect opportunity to suggest heading to the nearest pub so she could relax her own quivering nerves.

everyone knowsFrom that day, they knew they’d found someone special. But what next? One of them had to move and the deliberation was difficult and tearful. But, one of them did, and two years later they had a beautiful wedding in the highlands of Scotland. I was lucky enough to meet Summer, hear her story and share my own online dating woes. She’s a fantastic listener. I can say for sure that there’s hope out there. I’ve met Summer and I’ve seen it exists. There are many more who have stories like hers.

Sometimes the crap may just be worth it.

Of course, not everyone is looking for marriage, some just want a bit of fun. I can think of lots of people who’ve found that via online dating. It’s out there and easy to find.

If, however, you’re interested in the long term then remember that’s your focus when you’re getting giddy from the interest you’re receiving. It’s easy to become like Slick Dick and believe your own hype. If you’re looking for the long term then your aim is to find the right potential for you. This may not mean the one who is best at charming you, flirting with you or only talks about sex.

A potential with the body of Taylor Swift or Chris Hemsworth is great but if there’s nothing more behind the picture or they never seem to want to go on a date then what’s the point? If you’re looking for someone you can share the best and worst of yourself with then the guy with the biggest cock or the woman with the banging boobs may seem like an exciting prospect. But they’re only worth your time and effort if they have a personality you like too.

Don’t Give Up

And the next time someone drones on about that wedding of two people who met online, take a moment to wonder to yourself, like I do: “Would I marry them?” It’s probably a “no.” So, let’s not waste time wishing you were in their shoes; instead hope the right person for you is just around the corner and that it’s someone you can be your real self with.

Before the Slaughter, Sci-Fi Erotic Romance

I can’t convey how excited I am about Before the Slaughter, a sci-fi short story, which isn’t the greatest thing for a writer to say but I don’t care, I said it anyway. I remember trying to come up with a concept for this story, I wanted to try my hand at the sci-fi aspect and for a while I toyed with different ideas.

Sci-fi erotic romanceInitially I considered what online dating might look like in the future; matched on your genes and virtual reality dates. I thought of a story I could write based around those ideas but it wasn’t sci-fi enough for me. If I was going to do it I was going to embrace it. But, I like a frame of reference too. While my imagination struggles to rein itself in at times it also needs something it knows to cling on to. I’m the woman who sees two people having dinner and creates a world of dark espionage for them, I’m the person who notices that my next door neighbour hasn’t been about recently and wonders if he’s joined a cult!

But what made me go with the idea that this story is based on?

Before the Slaughter was eight miles of walking in the making. When I can’t decide what to write about or when I need to put detail to an idea plan I walk. I can’t say I saw a green leaf and thought about bodies that sparkle when they climax. There wasn’t a man being attacked by a dog leading me to think about the variety of aliens that might exist on a planet of prisoners, many who are waiting on death row. I can’t even say I saw two people making out and thought about a woman trained to service the needs of death row prisoners the night before they go to slaughter. But somehow on my walk it came to me. Thank goodness it did because my feet were getting tired!

before the slaughterSummary

Before the Slaughter is based around a Heterate, a being trained in giving death row prisoners one final night of pleasure before they go to slaughter. Eshmay has never known sex and seduction to be more than just a job, that is until she meets Timosh. Will she risk her life to be with him or will she send the being she loves off to slaughter after a final night together?

You can buy the book by clicking on this link: Before the Slaughter

But if you want to know more here is a teasing excerpt, I hope you enjoy.

Excerpt

Their last date together had started with the usual catch-up of their lives. Timosh didn’t glow with blue when she mentioned clients she’d serviced since their last date. They tried not to talk about it too much. Sometimes she’d offer him stories of her training with Klima; it turned him on, making him shimmer and leading to questions and illicit kisses. But the stories of clients brought a pale yellow tinge to his skin.

“Jealousy,” he’d explained, while his mouth satisfied her, kissing down her naked body. “Do your clients kiss you here?”

Lips had caressed her nipples, his tongue slowly circling her pink nub.

“Yes,” she moaned as his tongue swirled around her sensitive puckered skin before biting down. A whimper was freed from her full lips making his whole body shimmer with the remarkable green colour, like diamonds sparkling in a pool of green sea.

“And do they turn you on like I do?” The yellow was fading but her attention was focused on the journey of his hand. There was nothing tentative about his movements as he slid it beneath her silk knickers.

“No one turns me on like you do.” No lies poured from her mouth, only whimpers of pleasure set free when he dragged his finger from her clit to her lips, covering it with her wetness. It was quiet in the Pleasure Room, in the reality he’d chosen; a luxurious king sized bed that sat on its own island of sand, turquoise sea surrounding them. It was based on one of the private honeymoon islands on Planet Delphi. This one was created for them.

Again and again she murmured his name. Tasting the swell of her breasts he pushed one then two fingers inside her, curving them and stroking her g-spot. Men like Eli knew how to make a woman come but with Timosh there was truth and yearning to his movements. The way Timosh touched her and turned her on made her feel pure, she knew it was only him that could satisfy her fully.

I’m meant to be serving him.

C is for…Casual Sex and Condoms (Continued)

casual sex and condomsIf you don’t want casual sex how do you avoid those who do? In my last update, C is for Casual Sex and Condoms, I talked about being honest about what you’re looking for from online potentials. Personally, I’m not looking for casual sex or one night stands. So, I tend to avoid guys that include semi-nude photos in their profiles and those that have dodgy user names or taglines.

What do I mean by that?

Here are some names that got a no, even though they did amuse me:
• teasetoplease
• spunkmonkey
• mingelover
• iknowhowtouseit

And profile taglines:
• No fanny too big or too small
• Good body and with a big tool for hard and hot work
• Looking for hook up for me and another woman

Douchebag Deidre

It’s safe to say that whatever we want we can find it online. The skill is trying to separate the liars, psychos and dickheads from those that are looking for the same as us. They are out there too.

This brings me to Douchebag Deidre and my friend Horace. Horace and Deidre were in contact for a month or so and he was smitten. Chuckles were as frequent as the multitude of texts they sent each other. They had a lot in common. Even the things they bought when they went junk food shopping matched like a game of snap. I could see Horace was quickly captivated and the conversations they had that he dared to share with me were sweet and lovely. Had Horace finally found someone he could flirt with and be in a relationship with?

textingNot long after they started chatting, Deidre explained that she hadn’t been separated from her husband for very long. Together they had joint custody of their young daughter. That wasn’t an issue for Horace and so they decided it was time to move beyond texting and set a date for meeting. The planning wasn’t easy because Deidre had just moved to a new place, which was an hour away. And obviously the daughter was staying over some nights too. But eventually the hopeful first meeting was set in stone.

The texts continued.

Some of the texts sent by Deidre included “I wish you were here with me right now” and “Please don’t go to sleep yet, I want to keep texting.” They seemed happy chatting to each other like this and all was going well.

Three nights before they were due to meet, Deidre had a bit too much prosecco. The truth started to reveal itself, with a bit of cajoling by Horace. Apparently, she was drunk and feeling sorry for herself. It didn’t take much for her to confess she wasn’t getting on well with her parents because they were on the side of her ex-husband. She had a history of dumping men when life got difficult. Deidre confessed that she’d split up with one long term boyfriend in the last couple of months, been married twice and had only left her husband six months earlier. The numbers didn’t add up.

The words continued to pour from her slightly sozzled mouth. When sober, Deidre had mentioned that marriage still appealed to her. In her drunkenness she admitted that she had no intention of marrying again.

“I’m not sure if I can treat a man properly again because my daughter is the only thing that matters to me. That won’t change. No man will ever matter to me again”.

The most shocking aspect was when she presumed their upcoming date would involve sex because she “could do better” than him.

Honesty – the Best Policy

Horace was stunned and spoke to me at length about what had happened and how he should respond. Over their entire conversation his feelings had waned and, although the idea of no strings sex appealed, it wasn’t what he wanted. The next day he contacted Deidre and explained that maybe she wasn’t in the right place to be dating and certainly not to be dating him. It was Deidre’s turn to be surprised, although not particularly bothered.

Maybe she couldn’t remember what she’d said in her alcohol fuelled state or maybe she was just unsure what the problem was. After all, she was of the opinion she was out of Horace’s league so why wouldn’t he want her? Had Deidre been honest at the start then it would have saved Horace a lot of time and energy.

Casual Sex and Condoms too

But this section of the A to Z isn’t just about casual sex, condoms are a feature too. Whatever your “thing” is, whether casual sex or sex in a relationship, always use a condom. I’m not going to beat about the bush, I’m sure your Tinder date will beat your bush a lot better than I can!

At the end of 2015, doctors were suggesting that dating apps were causing an increase in the rates of sexually transmitted diseases. I’m sure we could debate this endlessly but, ultimately, people have unprotected sex with people they meet and nowadays they often meet via online dating. Save yourself some awkward trips to the STI clinic and use a condom. You don’t know where the person you’re sleeping with has been, no matter what they tell you. It takes ages to get to know someone and people do lie, as I’ve already proved.

So wrap it up or make sure he does because the consequences aren’t pretty. Googling pictures of STIs will convince you of just how ugly it can get.

Coming up, D is for the dreaded Dick Pic! Meanwhile, don’t forget to “like” my Facebook page and follow me on Twitter for regular updates.

Boredom and Loneliness and Staying Focused on Your Goal

In the last blog post, B is for Boredom, I talked about some of the reasons we join dating sites. Although B is for Boredom, this is really more about staying focused on your goals and remaining honest about them.

If we lose our focus then we run into problems. To explain this I shall tell you about Slick Dick.

Boredom and Loneliness

boredom and lonelinessSlick Dick was a guy I met on one of the paid dating sites. I will discuss later the people we can find on the multitude of sites, including the ones more likely to be frequented by those who are looking for a night of fun or a lifetime of happiness. Guys like Dick weren’t normally found on the paid sites.

He was on the rebound; it was obvious, eventually. Sadly, even the obvious is difficult to see when your eyes are focusing on an attractive face and a heart-stopping smile. The guy was gorgeous. Anyway, I shouldn’t get side-tracked, that was the problem in the first place. I suspect Dick may have been hurt, come out of a long-term relationship and didn’t really know what possibilities were out there. He was a fast learner. Dick was easy to talk to, a bit shy but still good at flirting. He could make you feel as sexy as a woman in a Justin Timberlake song and have I mentioned…hot hot hot! Sadly, he became wise to this pretty quickly. Overnight he went from a relatively innocent charmer who wanted to go on a date, to someone who would mess with your head in a bad way.

From Shy to Slick

Days before we were due to meet I came down with flu. So we rescheduled. Slick was suddenly only free on one day within the next three weeks. And the location would have to be within a short distance from where he lived because his puppy (not a euphemism) couldn’t be left alone. The holiday he had from work was nearly over and I was told several times “my hands are tied”.

The date was scheduled for three days’ time but as it got closer the once shy Slick was becoming very cocky. It turned out that the original plan of a nice meal and maybe walking his dog was not enough anymore. Slick explained to me that I was a sure thing and during this date we would be having sex. I was adamant that was not the case. It shocked him completely, so much so that he must have lost the ability to use his phone. The texts swiftly reduced to nearly non-existent, unless his horn rose up in his pants.

The date never happened. The day slot he could fit me into turned into an afternoon that would involve less time than I would spend driving there and back. Then the afternoon got postponed and two days later I was ghosted (see G is for Ghosting later in this series). I almost did something very stupid for a pretty face. You’d think I would only need to learn that lesson once but sadly not; I forget it approximately every six months.

Stay Focussed

Maybe I should give Slick the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he met someone in the meantime and didn’t know how to tell me.

But I was left wondering, what changed?

Dick initially seemed to be a slightly innocent and sweet guy. I guess he could have been really good at playing games and I was just as good at not seeing them. However, I suspect Slick got a lot more attention than he expected when he started internet dating and began to believe his own hype.

Lots of girls would have been into Dick. I could be wrong but what drew me closer to this thought was when he accidentally sent me the photo of another girl he was talking to instead of the photo he was trying to send. Bless him, he couldn’t think of a lie quick enough to explain who she was. Maybe he was just more Dick than Slick.

LonelinessWe can all get carried away with the attention we get when we first join sites. I’m sure I’ve overlooked potentials because of a pretty face, a seductive comment and the odd kiss ass. I hope Slick Dick eventually found what he was looking for and had an enjoyable time doing it.

Your Reasons are Not Their Reasons

A very wise person once told me that in life we never know what someone else is thinking and that seems especially true when it comes to online dating.

We might be chatting to someone who is trying to bring some excitement into their life while their spouse sleeps soundly in another room. It might be that a potential has been cheated on and they’re searching for desperately needed validation. Or we could be in contact with a scared and lonely virgin who has never had a first kiss let alone a boyfriend or girlfriend.

We will never truly know what’s going on in the head of the person we’re chatting to and what their motives are for joining the dating sites. Only we can decide what we believe and if the situation is worth it.

What are your reasons for online dating? Ever been seduced by a Slick Dick? Let us know on our Facebook page or below in the comments.