Don’t Speak

The First Message

You’ve been waiting to see if you’ll match that person you like. Finally you do. What do you say in that first message?

Here’s a blog post about some of the worst first messages I’ve had.

sexting messageDon’t do this, just don’t.

“Hey, is it wrong to want to physically pick you up and abuse you? X”

(Who puts a kiss on the end of a message like that?)

 

Fetish Reveal So Early?

Him: Hi x

Me: Hello

Him: How are you? What size shoe are you? x

(He went on to reveal his foot fetish, I stepped away. Don’t give away your personal fetish so quickly.)

Know Your Audience

Him: Are you as innocent as you look?

Me: Yes

(Well they don’t need to know the truth yet do they?)

Keep it in Your Pants

Potential: What undies are you wearing sexy? x

(Not even a “Hello. Are you having a nice day?” How rude.)

desk messageDesk fetish?

Him: I’m thinking about having over a desk so I can tease you with my mouth and cock before grabbing you and fucking you senseless.

(Firstly, what the fuck? But then I start to wonder, did he miss the word me out of the sentence, i.e. is he thinking about having me over a desk? That would make more sense unless he’s thinking about “having over a desk”. Like is he going to invite the desk over for a date too? Maybe you can find online dating for those who want to romance desks.)

Why do I Bother?

Him: I know what you like.

Me: What is that?

Him: You like to be pushed over a table and fucked hard and dirty from behind.

(I was shocked by how quickly that escalated. I was hoping he was going to say lemon drizzle and ask for me out for cake.)

Some don’t know what they’re letting themselves in for?

Him: Cute and feisty, eh? Sounds good. Kinky also? 😉

Me: Sadly not, surprisingly normal.

Him: I’ve been normal all my life, but part of me wants to try new things. Not like proper crazy stuff, just stuff that’s a bit more naughty, you know?

Me: You’re going to have to give me an example…

(My curiosity really is a cross to bear.)

Him: In my Google-based research, the most popular things to try out seem to be toys, spanking, strap-ons, golden showers, threesomes. So I’d guess I’d start with some of them.

(He then went on to tell me that he was pretty horny to which my unhelpful response was…)

Me: Ah you’ve got the Saturday horn! Fair enough. Although strange that it’s suddenly made you want to have a woman wee on you before she puts a strap on and does you up the arse.

(The conversation ended not long after that, it turns out he just wanted a threesome)

This Guy

Him: Hey how are you? Fancy a chat?

Me: Hello. I’m good thanks. How are you?

Him: I’m ok thanks. Do women purposely wait for blokes to send the first message?

(Apparently by chat he meant using me as the oracle for all women)

Me: I have to admit that I do, sorry. Have you had a good week?

Him: You must be on here to meet someone so you have to put effort into it

(Berating a woman so quickly into chatting isn’t the best way to seduce her.)

Me: I see your point

Him: This dating malarkey is rubbish

(Why am I still talking to him? And yet I continue.)

Me: Well yeah but how else are you going to find what you want? What brought you to this site?

Him: To find someone but there’s too much competition and it’s hard to get a look in with the women you fancy.

(I’m not surprised if you talk to them like this, unless he’s only talking to me because the ones he likes won’t give him time)

Me: Maybe you need to be creative with the things you say to them or just funny and honest.

Him: You can’t be yourself over text women must be stupid if they think you can

(Yep, he just called me and a lot of other women stupid.)

Me: I guess I’m one of the stupid ones then.

(He proceeded to carry on with his rant. I won’t bore you with it. My recommendation was that he took some time out from dating)

 

flirt dateSorry

But then I’m no one to judge. Some of my first messages have been cringe! And for that I apologise to any guy I messaged first. It didn’t end well.

What have been the worst first messages you’ve sent or received. Go on, get it off your chest, you know you want to. Don’t forget to add them here or on my Facebook page or Twitter page.

Did you know I write erotic romance? You can find my stories either by going to the books page on this site or by clicking here.

Corrupted – A New Erotic Anthology

Do you want to get corrupted?

I love submitting to anthologies. The call to write something different is a test of my imagination and the Corrupted call was no different.

What has liberated you? Has society suggested it corrupted you instead?

Online dating is a topic close to my heart, as you may have guessed from by blog. We hear society telling us that it’s caused people to sleep around more. In 2015 it was reported that the dating apps and sites were to blame for an increase in STIs. But these sites and apps have been liberating too. It’s easy to think of it as a danger or a distraction but to be a faceless person behind a computer screen or an app means we can be ourselves too. Instead of being judged by our looks or outward appearance, which is common when in a pub or a club,  the first impression we make includes our personalities!

That was my inspiration.

But there was more too. Before I continue let me share a little about the Corrupted anthology.

Corrupted coverCorrupted

Since the beginning of time, everything that has promised to liberate women has also been accused of corrupting them: suffrage, trousers, the pill, and learning to drive, and that’s just to start with.

In this erotica collection, women reclaim or recognise their power in myriad ways, and it’s not always pretty. From femdom dynamics to BDSM, boardrooms, and benchwarmers, Corrupted comprises a startling cross-section of stories defining what it means to be a woman in the modern world.

Edited by, and featuring, Charlie Powell. Corrupted contains contains ten powerful stories by Vanessa de Sade, Rebecca Chase, Annabeth Leong, Sonni de Soto, Robin Juliet, Kiki DeLovely, Byron Cane, Erin Horáková and Zak Jane Keir. It’s published by Sexy Little Pages.

Her Gateway

Before the submission call came through I remember reading an article about sex for the disabled. Is sex different for those who have less limbs, who can’t walk, who have no physical feelings below their waist?

While I will never know what it is like for someone with those disabilities I do know what online dating did for me when it came to sex. I found it liberating to be judged by my flirting techniques and ability to make someone laugh rather than how my body looked. For the first time I could chat to guys without my insecurities eating away at me. For me online dating had major moments of liberation, read my blog post about Mr Fumble here to find out more about my inspiration for this story.

Something else inspired me too. I was also fed up of reading stories about the same heroines. Where were the stories about people who didn’t fit the typical erotic romance stereotype?

rebecca chase corrupted her gateway

Her Gateway was born from all of the above and more.

Tessa has been in a wheelchair since she was young. Her disability has infiltrated every area of her life but so has her resilience. However, there’s one thing missing. She doesn’t know what sex is like. Being desired and feeling sexy are foreign concepts to her.

Online dating has changed everything. With the apps she can swipe to her heart’s content, searching for the guy that she might trust enough to give her the sexual experience she’s dreamed of.

Not only has she found him but as the story begins he’s waiting at her front door. The next 24 hours will change her life forever. What sort of change will it be and has it been worth longing for all this time? Could Mike be the man to make all her fantasies come true?

To understand what liberation can mean in this setting you’ll have to read the story, which you can buy here.

But before you go here is a teaser.

An Excerpt from Her Gateway

“I was wondering…” She tried not to smirk when she saw him raise his eyebrows at her long drawn out words and seductive tone. “If you’d tell me one of those fantasies. You know, what have you thought about doing with me and exactly where was your hand when you imagined it?” With a smirk, she looked at his crotch and gave him a wink.

Mike chuckled his amusement, stepping back with an exaggerated sigh. “Exactly where you think it was. Okay, now which fantasy shall I share first? How about the one where I hold you up against the wall. I’m stronger than I look and you’re no fragile doll. I think you might enjoy some different positions and locations.”

She nearly spluttered at his words. Mike had offered her more than she’d realised could be available. Once more she took in his features. His sexiness didn’t just come from his looks. He exuded it like most people sweated. A nonchalant air surrounded him but it wasn’t because he didn’t care what happened. Tessa got a sense that he’d been through a lot in his thirty years, most he’d probably not share, even though she’d poured out her heart and insecurities to him. But now he seemed to be in a comfortable place. They’d only been chatting for a couple of months and yet she could see many aspects to him; his past was a telling blemish on his skin.

That was her hope too, that one day she would be fully comfortable in her own skin. A sexual being who men desired and even if they didn’t, the knowledge of that wouldn’t lessen her. But there was a goal she had to reach first.

The thoughts of conquering this barrier were what might have caused her to clear her throat and announce her idea louder than necessary. “Maybe we should talk in bed.”

The heat from her cheeks blazed when he rose his eyebrows, especially when he added an amused smile.

Beckoning him closer, she placed her hand in his, noticing that clasping him tightly made it more difficult to tremble. He squeezed her hand gently before letting it go so that she could lead him towards her bedroom.

Rules and Suggestions

These are my rules for me

But they might work for you too. Over the years of dating I learnt things that kept me safe. In part 2 I’ll tell you a story from a friend that reinforces, to me, that rules and instincts are crucial.

You might read my rules and think I’m overzealous. In some ways I would agree with you and there have been dates where I went with my instincts and didn’t follow my “rules” religiously. But they’ve also kept me safe in more dangerous situations.

General “Rules”

  • dating rulesDon’t take nude or semi-nude photos of yourself to send to someone that include your face.  See why in my dick pic blog post here
  • Don’t give out too much personal information. That includes your address, exactly where you work or information about your family. I avoided LinkedIn for that reason. I didn’t want someone to find me with just two clicks of a mouse and turning up at my work.
  • Don’t become Facebook friends early on and make sure you have full privacy settings on your social media so that they can’t work out enough things to find you.

Before you go on the date

  • Get their surname. Although keep in mind that anyone reluctant to give out their surname may have a completely reasonable explanation, don’t immediately assume the worse.
  • Swap up to date selfies. It gives a helpful idea of who you’ll be seeing and prepares you for any uncontrollable reactions you may have on first meeting.
  • Find out a bit about the job they do (it doesn’t need to be the organisation/company). It will give you something to talk about too.
  • Find out if they’re after casual sex or longer term. Does that match with what you want?
  • Think about what questions you might ask or subjects you might focus on in case there’s a conversation lull. Silence on a first date can be awkward and uncomfortable and while it’s not a job interview sometimes a bit of preparation helps.
  • Speak on the phone, even for just a short time. It can help calm the nerves too.
  • I don’t do this but one friend recommended doing a google search, just in case they’re a wanted murderer!
  • Find out what town they live in. It might be that the app or the website has messed up and they’re 200 miles away rather than the 2 you thought.

stranger danger datingRemember that you’ve never met this person and while they may appear lovely and charming it doesn’t mean you know them.

It’s suddenly date night, what dos and don’ts should you be considering?

  • Do plan your own transport, whether it’s train, bus or driving. A quick escape might be necessary and you don’t want to be requesting change from them while trying to make a swift emergency exit. Don’t get into their car, if you do then you’re completely at their mercy. In all seriousness I’ve heard a story of someone who was attacked by a man on her first date in his car. It’s not worth putting yourself in a situation like this.
  • Don’t get drunk. I’m not saying stay stone cold sober, after all you may feel you need to settle your nerves. But too much alcohol can lead to decisions that you normally wouldn’t make and as a result put you in a vulnerable position. Even worse, our douchebag side might come out of its hidden depths. I’ve been on a date with a guy who, in his drunkenness, ended up telling me all sorts of secrets and stories, including exes he’d cheated on.
  • Don’t reveal where you live. If the potential is in any way unhinged you’re welcoming a stalker into your life.
  • Don’t go back to theirs. Also, ideally don’t invite them back to yours either. Obviously if the aim is to hook up then some of these rules won’t work for you.
  • Don’t leave your phone alone with them at any point, who knows what they’ll do with it?
  • Do meet somewhere public. Safety is important at all times. This also gives you some control in a situation that can put you at risk.
  • Do encourage physical contact if you want it. If you’re shy or taking it slow then the occasional brush of the leg and touching hands over the table can make a massive difference. I’m not saying maul them, unless you’re both up for that, but there’s also no harm in holding a little back either if you prefer to do that.
  • Do tell someone where you’re going, who with, what time you’re meeting them and when you should be home by. I had a friend that had a time to call me if I haven’t called them first.
  • Do make sure the other person is safe getting home but don’t force your presence on them if they’d rather be alone.

date night safetyOther things like where and when you meet up and who pays is best left to the people involved and the decisions aren’t anyone else’s business.

So you’ve read my “rules” and you’re left in shock and horror – I must be the most conservative woman in the world. Well… not really. I’ve gone against all my rules at one time or another. But this is what worked for me and I’ll tell you in my next post one reason why.

I have one more “do”. You may find this a little extreme but it made me feel safe. On my phone I had the “find my IPhone” app and I gave the password to my sister. They knew to check it if I didn’t contact them after a certain number of hours. It also meant if I ended up on a date with a murderer they’d know what skip to find my phone in… joking, hopefully.

Now it’s your turn to tell me what your dating rules are. Let me know in the comments section or via my Facebook page or Twitter page.

7 Facts About Me

A Girl in Islington, a lovely lady that I follow on twitter wrote an interesting blog post with facts about her love life. It makes for a brilliant read. Make sure you take a look here. I was lucky enough to be mentioned as one of her favourite 15 bloggers.

So strap yourself in because here are seven facts about me.

  • I’ve presented a couple of radio shows

That’s all it was, several one hour radio shows. It was terrifying, I made an ass of myself and unsurprisingly as a result I don’t have a career in radio. I vaguely remember singing along to Steve Harley’s Make Me Smile. It did wonders for my confidence though, once I stopped shaking. I’m sure the listeners could hear me trembling through their speakers.

  • I’m a vanilla erotic romance writer

before the slaughterThe stories I enjoy writing incorporate romance, a happy ever after (or happy for now), life issues and sexy times. I’m currently working on an erotic romance centred around a rugby playing artist who has a painful secret and a woman working for a children’s charity. I’m also completing an anthology that includes a story about a couple who’ve struggled to have sex due to problems with infertility. Life is a bitch at times and my stories reflect that. Don’t forget the sex though.

  • I’ve brushed Tinky Winky

Well, technically I brushed his costume and he wasn’t wearing it. I did work experience at the production company that makes Teletubbies. It was an eye opening experience that I remember fondly. I also learnt how to use a cafetiere. What a clueless 15 year old I was!

  • I lost my virginity after my mid-twenties

You don’t hear that one everyday. I used to be a good Christian girl who wanted to wait until I was married but then some significant things happened in my life and I decided that I might never get married. I wasn’t going to live without ever having had sex so I decided things had to change. Happily my first time was amazing although the guy broke my heart. I regret nothing.

  • Online dating inspired me

Online dating hook upsI haven’t always enjoyed online dating. However, without doing it I wouldn’t have met my boyfriend. I’m now trying to deal with “living with a boy” and his snake. I mean the reptile version. Online dating gave me ideas for my stories too. I have one coming out in an anthology soon about WAM (wet and messy play, aka sploshing). It’s not something I’ve ever done or want to do but I met a guy once who was a big fan and told me all about it. Online dating has also caused me much heartbreak. Heartbreak offers excellent inspiration to a romance writer.

  • I’m 1 in 250 million

I have two rare medical conditions.  I’ve spent a lot of my life in hospitals being poked and prodded. Things are okay now but who knows what the future holds.

  • I once sexted a guy while I was in church

    sextingThe vicar’s wife nearly saw a picture of his penis. I was half way through a reply to him (or rather a photo of him) when she started talking to me after the service. I decided after this debacle that maybe I needed a break from going to church as my heart wasn’t in it.

I also have a dress up box and I’m obsessed with Pokemon Go, I’m leaving those facts there though because I’m not sure how interesting they are.

Those were my facts and I’d love to read yours too. There are many tweeters I think would have some fascinating facts including:

Stephanie Simpson

Jolie Vines

Everybodys Mate

Not So Sex In the City

Eliza

The Gif Queen

Kate

Basia

Not So Sadly Single

Jesse Stuart

Please tell me your facts, even if I haven’t mentioned your name. You can add them here or on my Facebook or Twitter pages.

One Year Anniversary

The Boyfriend Gets a Mention

I’ve blogged about past dates on and off for the last year but have always tried to refrain from mentioning my boyfriend.

But today I’m changing that.

Boyfriend kissFor one blog post only

Today is our year anniversary and that is a  big deal for us. I’d never had a proper boyfriend before him. He’d never had a relationship longer than a couple of months before me and neither of us are young enough for that to be “normal”. For the two years I was online dating he was the first guy to get beyond three dates. Every guy on my blog has a nickname. On the rare times I tweeted about him he was Snake Man.

These days I call him Banjo.

Banjo

Tonight we’re recreating our first date, only this time we’re getting the bus together, going to the bar where I changed into my date shoes together and we’ll go back to mine together too.

Sometimes you read people’s relationship beginnings and they talk about an instant spark, a heady romance, how they were inseparable from the first hello.

It wasn’t like that with Banjo.

But before I get into that I’ll tell you about before our dinner date. Dating, especially online dating, can be soul destroying. You get hurt, jaded, confidence drops and sometimes you have to take a break – which never seems to last as long as you thought it would.

I’d been through it all but a year ago I was in a good place. I’d had my dating break and I knew that whatever happened it would be okay. I liked me again.

On the date we chatted and he was nice but there was no major spark. But there was no reason not to meet again either. In the past I would have said after one, maybe two dates, if it wasn’t setting me alight then it wasn’t worth continuing but I gave him a chance.

He asked me out again.

Second date. The bad date.

I wanted him to give me those accidental touches that made me feel something. None of that. In fact, during the date, he took me to a cookware shop because he needed a new oven dish!

I joke now that I got a better response from the cute stranger who passed me at the end of the date than I did from Banjo. But it’s no joke. He seemed to have no attraction to me and I walked back to my car disheartened.

Had Banjo texted me that day asking me out again it would have been a no. But he didn’t. He sent me general texts and being polite I replied. When he asked me out for a third date two days later I couldn’t say no, I’d texted myself into a corner.

The third date happened and still no spark but there was still no reason not to date. As it happens he was feeling the same. The best thing about that date was I caught my first Pikachu on the way home.

Fourth Date

I have no reason why we went on a fourth date, except he asked me. I wanted to do something different and he was on board. We started with pudding then went to a comedy show, then went out for poppadoms.

This date changed everything for him. Suddenly he felt that spark. He put his arm around me during the comedy show and I felt something but I wasn’t sure it was enough. But it wasn’t enough to stop dating either. I’d never given any guy this many chances.

I remember that my friends, family and even twitter were crucial for me in those days. I was regularly expressing my confusion and getting a variety of advice back. Thank you to all who listened to my ramblings during this time. I owe you.

Date 4.5 happened. I was writing in a coffee shop and he asked if he could join me for half an hour. He was keen but I was still struggling with mixed feelings.

Date Five

It was suddenly upon us and it was during this date that I decided I had to tell him it wasn’t working. During the date he said he didn’t like to be teased. I love to be teased. Clearly we weren’t right for each other.

He was lovely and caring but I couldn’t keep this endless round of dates going. It was time to say goodbye.

In the car, outside my house, we talked for an hour. I explained how I felt and for the first time I saw a very different Banjo. He was funny, sexy and relaxed. The tension had gone. The Banjo in front of me was a guy I’d be happy to get to know better.

And so I did.

Within a fortnight he’d cooked me a roast – that’s a big deal for someone who never saw her dad cook for her mum! I stayed over at his house because he wanted me there and I didn’t want to go home. He even gave me my own toothbrush head!

He met my best friend. We spent my birthday together, we took our first selfie. He tolerated me shouting the pisstake “relationship goals” at him at random opportunities.

BoyfriendBut also I’d never been in a relationship before and I was terrified. We worked through it and all the other issues. Life has moved on and somehow we’ve made it to a year.

Banjo isn’t my obvious type but he’s not the opposite of it either. He’s the man I want to be with and he has something that I always said I needed in a guy but never believed I’d find.

He’s patient.

I can be annoying, grumpy, hard work and exhausting. I also think I’m funny as f***. He puts up with everything and he revels in it too, albeit with a bit of a sigh at times.

Is he perfect? Hell no. Am I? Ummmm.

He even puts up with my incessant need to spank him on the bum whenever he bends even slightly. A “No,” might roar from his mouth, between chuckles, as he quickly tries to get from under his desk because he’s heard my footsteps sprinting across the wooden floor.

We’ve had our ups and downs. We’ve learnt what a relationship means to us. At the moment we’re debating moving in together. In some ways it’s a no-brainer but we’re also protective of our space. I believe it will happen before the end of the year but who knows? We may not be together in a year, I’m clueless about this stuff.

What has this relationship taught me?

That a lot of what happens in the dating world is luck. I know we’d never have met each other in real life. At any point we could have said in our early days of dating that it wasn’t working. And if I’d met him three years earlier I probably would have given up before 4/5 dates. When it comes to dating we can be quick to find the faults and not the good points, even in a profile.

Love dating boyfriendThere are no hard and fast rules in dating. Every situation is different. I’m glad we gave each other a chance when not many had given either of us chances before. I got lucky and so did he.

Honestly, I never expected to find a boyfriend that I liked. I went on a lot of dates but I’m genuinely surprised I ended up with someone. I got lucky.

Sorry if you found this post soppy, annoying or a waste of time.

But for once I wanted to talk about my boyfriend Banjo. If you want to share your own dating stories or thoughts then you can do it via the comments section or via my Facebook page or Twitter page.