Ask Me To Stay

Love pagerLet me set the scene…

It’s nearly twenty years ago, a nineties pop ballad, that you’ve only heard in “remember when” radio shows (I mean you, B*witched), is playing as I sit in my bootcut trousers and strappy top. People are still recreating the famous Rose and Jack scene whenever they get near the bow of a boat and people relied on pagers on a night out.

More importantly than this my life is on the cusp of something new.

Two people, and by people I mean fictional TV characters, are about to come into my life and change it forever.

One will teach me about empowerment, kicking butt and that females can be and are hilarious. And not because they’re airhead bimbos who are the joke but because they’re fucking awesome. They can even be the protagonist in major television shows, books and life. Buffy Summers burst onto my television and changed everything.

But this post is about another nineties character. He taught me that I like bad boys – not the ones who set fire to things or damage lives – but the ones who underneath all the bravado have a heart. They make us laugh, they hurt when awful things happen, they struggle through the crap life throws at them and can be a bit useless. BUT they love with all they have and when the situation calls for it they step up and kiss the girl.

Step forward Pacey Witter

A man who has been number 1 on my list of guys I want to be with for nearly 20 years.

Pacey Love ninetiesLike Joey I didn’t appreciate him at first. I thought he was an idiot who’d had an affair with his teacher. It wasn’t until series 3 that I fell for him and I’ve never looked back.

When I write stories I can see that there’s a little bit of Pacey popping up all over the place. He comes through my writing in the humour, the cheeky glances and the teasing nature of many of my protagonists. Sometimes his character is revealed through the broken nature of those I write about, especially when they slowly redeem themselves and become whole, with little mistakes along the way.

I’m not ashamed of the impact the show had on my life; it taught me through it’s beautiful scenery and unnecessarily adult language about unrequited love, betrayal, death, prejudice, suffering and how the first kiss can be terrifying no matter who you are. This is something both myself and my characters can testify to.

This weekend one of my best friends, A, is getting married. She was my “rival” for Pacey’s love – I know how ridiculous that sounds but I was a teenager! At least I wasn’t weeping about my love for Brian Harvey from East 17… I know someone who did though.

The contest between myself and A brought us closer and I look forward to being able to share her special day with her. Also, it means Pacey is all mine now too!

So I owe a debt of gratitude to Dawson’s Creek, its creators and especially Joey and Pacey, for teaching me about love and giving me a best friend for life. Joey and Pacey got their happy ever after and in doing so let me see why romance is a key part of everything I write.

Happy 20 year anniversary to their first episode!

Don’t forget to tell me about your first TV love via my Facebook page or Twitter page. They don’t have to be from the nineties but they have to have been significant.

United in Love Charity Anthology

New Release and It’s For Charity

When Lucy Felthouse sent out the submission call for this charity anthology I knew I had to be involved. It has been put together to benefit the British Red Cross’s UK Solidarity Fund.

United in Love charity anthologyMany fantastic authors have contributed to this anthology.  Each of the characters in the short stories are dealing with horrific and heartbreaking situations—loss, grief, war, divorce, dementia, disputes over land and more, but what they all have in common is that, with the help of love, of unity, they come through. It may not be all happily-ever-after—since life just doesn’t work that way—but positivity and solidarity shine through in each of the tales and will warm your heart.

Charity has and always will be a massive part of my life and being able to use my love of writing for the benefit of others was something I never thought possible. So please enjoy my story, Forget Me Not, and remember every penny will go to the British Red Cross’s Solidarity Fund.

Forget Me Not

My story, Forget Me Not, features  Sadie and her nana, Martha. Sadie’s heart is broken, she’s had to watch her close friend, her grandma, deteriorate day by day due to dementia. On the last night Martha goes wandering Sadie finds her being looked after by George, the only person that has brought light to her life over the last soul destroying months. But will this be the last time Sadie has reason to see him? Are her feelings more than just gratitude? And how will she cope without this light in her life?

You’ll have to read the story to find out but first enjoy an excerpt.

 

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An Excerpt

Forget Me Not charity anthology United in LoveIt was a declaration unlike any she’d heard before. “A date?” she said. “Isn’t that what this is?” He grinned in a wicked way that made her want to pull at his T-shirt and cover him in kisses. “Except, I need to check something before I’m willing to agree to anything.”

“Are we back to my balls again? Because I’m not used to whipping them out willy-nilly.”

She clasped a hand over her mouth to force her giggle back down. “No, you sod.” She launched herself at him, then planted a kiss on his lips.

What started as a soft meeting of mouths developed into a frenzied joining, their noses bumping haphazardly. George tilted his head to the side, bringing skilful calm to their kiss. As his tongue eased her lips apart she was aware of his hands, sliding slowly from the curve of her hips, up her body, finally coming to rest at the nape of her neck, tickling the sensitive hairs.

It wasn’t the perfect kiss—if such a thing existed—but the nervous caress of two people learning each other’s preferences. His tongue did an unusual dance in her mouth. Sadie pulled away and looked at him suspiciously.

“Sorry,” he said, his face creased with anxiety. “It’s been a while.”

There would be time to ask about his past. Sadie smiled her encouragement before dipping her head, nearing his mouth, but stopping short of letting the kiss take over. With a smile she recreated the move, grinning when he furrowed his brow and growled his frustration.

George’s fingers bunched in her blonde hair, pulling her against him so his lips could close in on hers.

Symphony Amore: Erotic Stories of Love and Music

Symphony AmoreSymphony Amore, A New Anthology

In less than a week Symphony Amore will be released and I can’t wait. The anthology of erotic stories features my short story, Beautiful Destruction.

I am unnecessarily excited for a couple of reasons that I am willing to share. But you will have to come closer if you want to hear them. Are you ready?

  • I’ve never had a published story available in paperback, until now. That’s right you can buy Symphony Amore in paperback. See the buy links below.
  • It’s set in a club with a stunning DJ on a night where anything can happen.
  • My editor, who I don’t pay enough, said it was one of the best stories I’d written.
  • It’s my first lesbian tale. It’s not my last though, I was working on another one this morning.
  • I’m featured in several anthologies this year, this is the first to be released.

I wrote this story, which isn’t based on the exploits of my housemate who demanded to “proof” read it in case, because I love music and especially dancing in clubs. There is something erotic and heady about the mesmeric beats and mystery in the darkness of a club. I have memories from nights out, including being personally welcomed by the DJ when I walked into the club with the words, “You’re back! Will you come to my birthday party?” to the night I was motorboated by a stranger whose face I wouldn’t recognise if I saw it again.

But this story isn’t about my experiences it’s about Mila’s and what happens the night she hears her favourite song.

Will she be healed from the last six months of sadness?

Will she meet the creator of the song that has held huge significance in her life?

And what will happen when she comes face to face with the sexy yet mysterious DJ?

Symphony Amore

Find out More…

You’ll have to read the story to find out but first enjoy a teasing excerpt.

Symphony Amore is published by Sexy Little Pages and has been edited by the fantastic Jordan Monroe. The collection of nine stories, released on 19th September, features a broad spectrum of musicians from all sections of the orchestra and beyond. Immerse yourself in tale of conductors and concert-goers, romantic encounters and hard-hitting BDSM play, and embrace the diverse cast that you’ll meet.

Music truly is the universal language and these stories will give you hours of reading pleasure.

♥️ Buy now: Kindle or PaperbackSmashwords, or iTunes. ♥️

Teasing Excerpt

Occasionally, stringed instruments would raise their presence through the tune, demanding to be heard before being replaced by the punch of a drum. Each instrument garnered a different response and Mila felt herself bending seductively before bouncing to a climbing rhythm. In everything, her eyes never left the booth. She was performing before the musical creator, offering herself as a sacrifice to the DJ god.

Hands in the air, she gave all her body had left. Sweat dripped down her collarbone and beneath the silk of her grey t-shirt but it went ignored. Her thighs felt clammy beneath her leather skirt but it didn’t stop her writhing hips. Temporarily, she was conscious of a dampness higher than her thighs, covering her black thong, joining with the pulsating that manipulated her core. Nothing could satisfy this fire that burned inside her.

The strings rose once more and she realised she’d heard them before. It was one of the songs the string quartet had been asked to play at the wedding, the one they’d been tuning up for during the argument with Harriet.

Fuck, she needed to get out of there.

One Year Anniversary

The Boyfriend Gets a Mention

I’ve blogged about past dates on and off for the last year but have always tried to refrain from mentioning my boyfriend.

But today I’m changing that.

Boyfriend kissFor one blog post only

Today is our year anniversary and that is a  big deal for us. I’d never had a proper boyfriend before him. He’d never had a relationship longer than a couple of months before me and neither of us are young enough for that to be “normal”. For the two years I was online dating he was the first guy to get beyond three dates. Every guy on my blog has a nickname. On the rare times I tweeted about him he was Snake Man.

These days I call him Banjo.

Banjo

Tonight we’re recreating our first date, only this time we’re getting the bus together, going to the bar where I changed into my date shoes together and we’ll go back to mine together too.

Sometimes you read people’s relationship beginnings and they talk about an instant spark, a heady romance, how they were inseparable from the first hello.

It wasn’t like that with Banjo.

But before I get into that I’ll tell you about before our dinner date. Dating, especially online dating, can be soul destroying. You get hurt, jaded, confidence drops and sometimes you have to take a break – which never seems to last as long as you thought it would.

I’d been through it all but a year ago I was in a good place. I’d had my dating break and I knew that whatever happened it would be okay. I liked me again.

On the date we chatted and he was nice but there was no major spark. But there was no reason not to meet again either. In the past I would have said after one, maybe two dates, if it wasn’t setting me alight then it wasn’t worth continuing but I gave him a chance.

He asked me out again.

Second date. The bad date.

I wanted him to give me those accidental touches that made me feel something. None of that. In fact, during the date, he took me to a cookware shop because he needed a new oven dish!

I joke now that I got a better response from the cute stranger who passed me at the end of the date than I did from Banjo. But it’s no joke. He seemed to have no attraction to me and I walked back to my car disheartened.

Had Banjo texted me that day asking me out again it would have been a no. But he didn’t. He sent me general texts and being polite I replied. When he asked me out for a third date two days later I couldn’t say no, I’d texted myself into a corner.

The third date happened and still no spark but there was still no reason not to date. As it happens he was feeling the same. The best thing about that date was I caught my first Pikachu on the way home.

Fourth Date

I have no reason why we went on a fourth date, except he asked me. I wanted to do something different and he was on board. We started with pudding then went to a comedy show, then went out for poppadoms.

This date changed everything for him. Suddenly he felt that spark. He put his arm around me during the comedy show and I felt something but I wasn’t sure it was enough. But it wasn’t enough to stop dating either. I’d never given any guy this many chances.

I remember that my friends, family and even twitter were crucial for me in those days. I was regularly expressing my confusion and getting a variety of advice back. Thank you to all who listened to my ramblings during this time. I owe you.

Date 4.5 happened. I was writing in a coffee shop and he asked if he could join me for half an hour. He was keen but I was still struggling with mixed feelings.

Date Five

It was suddenly upon us and it was during this date that I decided I had to tell him it wasn’t working. During the date he said he didn’t like to be teased. I love to be teased. Clearly we weren’t right for each other.

He was lovely and caring but I couldn’t keep this endless round of dates going. It was time to say goodbye.

In the car, outside my house, we talked for an hour. I explained how I felt and for the first time I saw a very different Banjo. He was funny, sexy and relaxed. The tension had gone. The Banjo in front of me was a guy I’d be happy to get to know better.

And so I did.

Within a fortnight he’d cooked me a roast – that’s a big deal for someone who never saw her dad cook for her mum! I stayed over at his house because he wanted me there and I didn’t want to go home. He even gave me my own toothbrush head!

He met my best friend. We spent my birthday together, we took our first selfie. He tolerated me shouting the pisstake “relationship goals” at him at random opportunities.

BoyfriendBut also I’d never been in a relationship before and I was terrified. We worked through it and all the other issues. Life has moved on and somehow we’ve made it to a year.

Banjo isn’t my obvious type but he’s not the opposite of it either. He’s the man I want to be with and he has something that I always said I needed in a guy but never believed I’d find.

He’s patient.

I can be annoying, grumpy, hard work and exhausting. I also think I’m funny as f***. He puts up with everything and he revels in it too, albeit with a bit of a sigh at times.

Is he perfect? Hell no. Am I? Ummmm.

He even puts up with my incessant need to spank him on the bum whenever he bends even slightly. A “No,” might roar from his mouth, between chuckles, as he quickly tries to get from under his desk because he’s heard my footsteps sprinting across the wooden floor.

We’ve had our ups and downs. We’ve learnt what a relationship means to us. At the moment we’re debating moving in together. In some ways it’s a no-brainer but we’re also protective of our space. I believe it will happen before the end of the year but who knows? We may not be together in a year, I’m clueless about this stuff.

What has this relationship taught me?

That a lot of what happens in the dating world is luck. I know we’d never have met each other in real life. At any point we could have said in our early days of dating that it wasn’t working. And if I’d met him three years earlier I probably would have given up before 4/5 dates. When it comes to dating we can be quick to find the faults and not the good points, even in a profile.

Love dating boyfriendThere are no hard and fast rules in dating. Every situation is different. I’m glad we gave each other a chance when not many had given either of us chances before. I got lucky and so did he.

Honestly, I never expected to find a boyfriend that I liked. I went on a lot of dates but I’m genuinely surprised I ended up with someone. I got lucky.

Sorry if you found this post soppy, annoying or a waste of time.

But for once I wanted to talk about my boyfriend Banjo. If you want to share your own dating stories or thoughts then you can do it via the comments section or via my Facebook page or Twitter page.

(Pokemon) Go For Me

pokemonPokemon Go is back in the news as it is one of the standout successes of 2016 and has had a recent upgrade that has got people playing again. It was initially an app that took over the world in the summer. Suddenly parks were swelled with crowds. People were camped out  and flicking their phones at unusual intervals. Others traipsed around town and city centres, heads bowed and oblivious to anything but a poke stop or another creature. Worse than bumping into strangers was the prospect of running out of balls or having even a Pidgey run away from you.

I confess I also became addicted to the game. Not only did it entertain me for hours but I even got asked out as a result of it. While playing Pokemon Go on a train a guy suddenly told me how much he liked gamer girls and then asked me out for a drink!

But there was more. Pokemon Go, and the memory of an ex who I knew would love that the game, inspired my free story Go For Me – the working title was Pokemon Go For Me. You can read an excerpt here on a previous post for Masturbation Monday. Warning – it’s dirty.

Go For Me: A short tale of erotic romance

go for me pokemonHolly has become addicted to playing Pokemon Go on her phone. She pretends it’s because she likes the game but really it reminds her of Lewis, the geeky guy who broke her heart. One night something unusual happens. Holly is lured, through the tricks of the game, to places she and Lewis had significant moments in their relationship. From the supermarket where they first met, fighting over a Star Wars droid, to the park where they had mind blowing sex after he played her the song he’d written for her. All the lures and memories seem to be leading her somewhere significant. But who is in control of this night and what will she find at the last location?

This short story is over 9,000 words and contains sexual situations and language only suitable for those aged 18+

 

It is available for free and can be downloaded as an epub file, mobi file or as a pdf

Click here to download (Pokemon) Go For Me epub version

Click here to download (Pokemon) Go For Me mobi version

Click here to download Pokemon Go For Me pdf version

Masturbation Monday – Go For Me

masturbation mondayMasturbation Monday

I’ve wanted to get involved with Masturbation Monday (thank you Kayla Lords for organising it every week) for some time now but never had the right story, excerpt or idea to post, until today.

Recently I started playing Pokemon Go and as with most things in my life it inspired a story of love and sex. Please find an excerpt of (Pokemon) Go For Me below. You can read it for free via Literotica or via my news or books page.

 

go for me pokemonThere were questions she attempted to form in her mind; how had he got the mini golf to open, was there anyone around? But none of it mattered when arousal filled every vein and her body quivered against him.

Edging him backwards, she lightly pushed him to the ground, making her intentions clear.

“You want to do it here?”

Holly nodded slowly, aware that her teeth were showing beneath the edges of her smile. Every part of him brought her joy but she’d never been as hungry for him as she was in that moment. The days without him made her want to consume him in a frenzy. She forced herself to relish every touch of his skin, each tickle of her senses. It was foolish to hope the intimacy would heal the last month of suffering but she had faith anyway.

The look of awe was on Lewis’ face again as his eyes swept up her form. Her feet were either side of him, her body poised and ready.

“What do you want?” I’m offering him the world, will he take it?

“I want you to scream my name until you’re hoarse. I want the wind to pick up the sounds of our love making. I want it to carry to those who will have blessing in their lives because they’ll learn what pleasure is just by hearing us.”

“How poetic,” she teased, her belief in their immediate future aiding her in relinquishing her fears, helping her to be whole again.

“And I want to be inside you.” His longing touched her more intimately than any of the recent touches she’d tried to give herself.

“You’d best take my knickers off me then.”

Leaning forward his lips brushed against her skin, worshipping the only part of her he could reach with his mouth. Lewis’ hands reached round and slowly slid up her calves, resting temporarily on the backs of her knees where he drew soft circles with the tips of his fingers.

It was as if everywhere he touched became an erogenous zone but only because of her lust for him. The hands slid higher, reaching under the hem of her flimsy dress before slowly caressing her bum cheeks.

A finger leisurely stroked across her lace covered entrance. Holly hissed in surprise.

“You’re meant to be removing them, not enjoying how they feel,” she said between gritted teeth.

The only response was another lazy stroke before he grabbed the waistband and dragged the lace down.

masturbation mondayLewis allowed her to step out of them before returning his hands to her arse. With great control he squeezed each cheek, as if discovering each fleshy handful for the first time.

“So soft,” he whispered. “Like two sexy peaches.”

Holly giggled until he eased his head under her dress and gave her clit a quick lick.

“Hmmm, very wet and juicy,” he murmured, before suckling gently, causing her to buckle against his mouth.

“Lewis,” she pleaded.

“I’ve missed this. I know not having it was my fault but I need this.” Pressing her bum firmly he pushed her hard against his mouth.

Holding and caressing his head between her hands didn’t stop the earthquake like shakes of her body as he lapped at her. Lewis was like a man kept prisoner for decades finally facing a pure stream of refreshing cold water that dripped down his throat with ease.

Each gentle touch of the tip of his tongue caused her body to hum with need. Anticipation held her tightly as he darted his thick muscle inside her. Holly tried to hold the orgasm and just enjoy the moment but his tongue snaked inside, massaging her like it was created for that purpose alone.

Easing his head away he made one request. “I want to be inside you when you come. I want to see your face when you scream my name.”

I can’t deny him anything. Kneeling down she straddled him, his hands continued to roam, massaging her bum while she ground against his hardness beneath his jeans.

His reaction was ecstasy laced with a desire deeper than she’d seen before. “I come alive with you, Holly. I don’t just mean during sex. My life is empty without you. I need you to be whole, both of us to be whole. I’m sorry for what happened, I really am.”

Putting a finger to his lips to quieten him had a different effect to the one she was expecting. Lewis captured her hand and brought his lips to the pulse point on the inside of her wrist. “I will be yours for as long as you want me. You’re my Pied Piper,” he said between kisses.

Smiling brighter than a blinding sun, she used her spare hand to unfasten his jeans before sliding her hand inside and wrapping her hand around his swollen member.

“No boxers today?”

“I tried to be more adventurous for you.”

“I don’t need adventure, I just need you,” she smiled serenely. “Although it does make for much easier access.”

Lewis released her long enough to grab a condom from his wallet and help her push his jeans down to his ankles.

“Would you put it on? I love watching you do it.” Ripping the foil with her teeth, she delighted at the way his erection pushed at her lips.

“Impatient little fucker, isn’t he?” she joked. Grabbing him roughly, she felt his whole body flinch and squirm as she pushed the rubber the whole way down his length, giving his balls a cheeky stroke. It was his turn to hiss.

Grinding against him brought him deliciously hard against her sensitive clit. The excruciating need emblazoned across his face gave her power, replacing the fear and sadness that had been buried deep for the last month. His eyes squinted against her glow.

Reaching for him, knowing he was already close, she lined him up between her lips.

“Now,” she requested.

The furrow of confusion didn’t last, need overtaking any other thought.

Quickly he thrust his pelvis up, penetrating her in one movement. The feeling of being suddenly full nearly triggered her orgasm but she held it at bay, temporarily.

Not yet, she thought, basking in the pleasure of his erection that pushed into her at increasing speed. Holly rocked against him, her legs acting as leverage. Lifting slightly before slamming down, she felt the fraught pace of his surging body. Lewis’ cries of ecstasy filled her heart, yanking her orgasm closer once more.

Nature was joining them like an orchestra preparing for the grand finale of a concerto. Wind rushed around them while birds rustled the leaves in the trees. The beauty was lost on her, it was him that held her raptured.

“Come for me, Holly. Throw your head back and come with me inside you. I want nothing more,” he demanded. Slow, gentle lovemaking would keep them enthralled later in his bed, where his strong arms would cocoon her while their mouths indulged on each other’s bodies. But for now they were two people who needed to revel in each other’s climax.

Once more she lifted herself and dropped back down as Lewis drove hard, like a beast, inside her. The savage thrust of his body brought an explosion of electricity to her nerve endings. In surrender, she arched her back and rode the swell of desire with vigour. The blinding lights were now within her head and, as she came, she screamed his name.

Lewis’ loud grunts matched her screams in fervour and he shook, bucking against her, his orgasm turning him into a creature that breathed a fire of passion as he clung to her body. Maybe drawn by a need for refuge, he sat up and held her tightly, their convulsing form turning them into one, wrecking their bodies yet provoking a deeper hunger for more.

H is for Heartbreak

Heartbreak doesn’t give you the warm and fuzzies does it?

With online dating, there will be heartbreak and it doesn’t hurt any less because it started virtually.

Mr Fumble was my first significant heartbreak. The name wasn’t a product of my experience with him. There was nothing fumble-like about his skills. The name arose when I chatted about him to a particular group of friends. I didn’t want to tell them what we really got up to so I said we fumbled and let them decipher the rest. This is the first time on this blog that I’ve relinquished my tell-all policy but with him some of my experiences will be remaining private.

Mr Fumble wasn’t always the easiest guy to message. Getting information and casual chat from him was akin to getting that last drop of ketchup out of a nearly empty bottle. He was reluctant to share too much and shy with the deeper stuff. Many weeks later, I realised why. Mr Fumble had been badly hurt in the past and to say his fences were up and high would be a massive understatement. The guy was damaged and wasn’t letting anyone in. The messages usually involved me asking questions about his day and what his work involved. The answers were short, surface stuff but he continued to answer, encouraging me to ask and revealing a little each day.

sexting heartbreakThe evening that the messages neared dirty, flirting territory I was so taken aback I thought I was reading them wrong. When he talked about the gooey centres of the cookies I was baking, the moistness of my brownies and how firm my muffins were, it was fiercely against character and anything we’d discussed previously. I genuinely thought he was a massive fan of baking. Eventually the sexual tease behind his words were revealed and flirting continued in earnest.

One evening, I passed on my number but he was reticent to use it, blaming phone signal and a crap phone.

Maybe as you read this a thought has arisen, “Come on Rebecca, there’s clearly something fishy about this guy.” I suspected the same, there seemed to be something crucial about him I didn’t know and couldn’t work out. I hope even now that he wasn’t married or a compulsive liar because I can’t be sure.

One of the problems with internet dating is that there are some things we may never know about the potentials we like. These things may be as significant as their real surname or past/current relationships.

When online dating, we have to trust our instincts and the advice of our wiser friends. We also need to remember to NEVER send money. There are some untrustworthy people out there and if something seems off then it probably is. If someone we’ve never met is declaring their love for us while asking for us to send money then we move on. I know, from experience that when our hearts get that fluttering, glowing feeling and excitement seems to be a daily thrill that we thought we’d never feel again then our judgement can be as useful as a chocolate condom. But having a clear head is a sad necessity.

Players and scoundrels don’t just frequent the online dating scene. I’ve also met some male and female villains in real life too. People who seem less than genuine are everywhere. Maybe you can think of those you know in your work or social circles who’ve cheated on their partners and have secret addictions to gambling, drugs and illicit encounters. It can take years for you to learn these secrets. Just because you meet someone online doesn’t mean you have to be ruthlessly suspicious of them but trusting your instincts is important.

hot guy heartbreakLet’s get back to Mr Fumble. Eventually, he did use my number and we began to text every day; during the day and a lot during the evenings. It wasn’t long before he was the last person I said goodnight to before my head hit the pillow and the first person I hoped for a message from when I woke. He almost always delivered. Messages included anything from cheeky thoughts to our deepest issues and life experiences.

The day he broached the idea of speaking on the phone I freaked out. I was too terrified and adamantly declined. The phone isn’t my ally at the best of times. I’m the kind of person who accidentally says “Kind Regards” at the end of an answer machine message then calls again to apologise for being an arse. But things changed. The decision to speak on the phone needed to be mine. After some days of consideration and no pressure from Mr Fumble we finally spoke. Hearing his voice gave me a smile that rose from my stomach up, eclipsing my entire body with a glow that had no chance of leaving. It was everything I’d been scared of hoping for. Within a couple of hours I was as happy as a teenage boy at a porn star convention.

A meeting after that was inevitable. In his typical closed way, he dropped some hints and in my excitement I welcomed them with open arms.

The day of our meeting started as a normal day for me until I got a text asking if I was still free because he could be there in two and a half hours.

Me: Yeah, sure. That would be great. See you soon.

AAAGGGGHHHH!!!!

I did the usual; shower, shave, moisturise, try on about forty different outfits, perfect make-up, sweat all the make-up off with stress and then attempt to apply it again. I was so nervous I thought I might vomit before he arrived. A massive ball of stress that resided in my intestines was growing at alarming rate. God forbid I’d have to speak to him!

The moment the doorbell rang I swept open the door and saw the coolest, dark haired epitome of sexiness standing in front of me.

Excitement exploded.

I was disarmed too. A date with Mr Fumble was something I should have prepared myself for mentally as well as physically.

kissing heartbreakAfter getting this far into the post you may have an image of me in your head. There may be some pre-conceptions about my personality and my behaviour. I shall leave you to them, I’m not keen to find them out. But my date with Mr Fumble will remain between me and him and the couple of people we may have told since.

All I shall let you know is that Mr Fumble arrived at midday on one day and left at midday the next. Over the course of that 24hour period, we had coffee, chatted, laughed, went for a walk, had dinner, chatted some more and spent the rest of the time…fumbling.

For those twenty-four hours, I was beaming with joy. I felt like I was at the start of something special.

But twenty minutes before he left I watched his fences go up. The Mr Fumble I’d spent the last day with disappeared and was replaced with a closed off, unrecognisable man. Walking out my house he politely said goodbye and promised to text when he got home. Just like that he was gone.

You may think I was the most gullible, naive idiot that ever walked the earth. I have thought that often enough myself. You may be certain that the contact was over, while secretly hoping for a happy ending. But H is for Heartbreak after all…

Locking the front door with a shaky hand and a heavy heart I thought I would never hear from him again. Mr Fumble was out of my life and would never be a part of it. I was wrong, to some extent. The messages flooded my phone as soon as he got home. We texted non-stop for the next two days.

Sadly, over the next five months his texts got more sporadic but never stopped until I told him to leave me alone. I was struggling to move on and he clearly didn’t want a relationship. On occasion, for about a year after, I continued to hear from him, until I decided to block him for a couple of weeks. I have no idea why he stayed in contact. It could have been a keenness for more fumbling or because he was bored. Whatever the true reason I never learnt it because I wouldn’t agree to see him again.

However much he annoyed and upset me, I will always have a fondness for Mr Fumble. In his defence, he never promised anything he wasn’t willing to give. Everything he gave me was incredible and life-changing. If I could do our initial texting, call and meet-up again, and I was still single, would I? Possibly. Being full of regrets is a fruitless experience.

I shed a lot of tears over him when he started distancing himself and then several more over the next months. Maybe my instincts and lack of experience did betray me. I guess only Mr Fumble knows the answer to that.

There has been heartbreak and many tears shed since him.

Friends wondered in the past, “How can you stay hopeful that you’ll find what you’re looking for?”

After my heart was broken my hope seemed to die for a while too. I have been left wondering what’s the point, how can I find what I’m looking for? Is there something wrong with me? After heartbreak, I used to stop dating and reassess because I don’t do rebound dating. But that’s a personal choice I made. I was told once, by a colleague, that rebound is the best time to date. I’ve seen people get hurt when we date on the rebound. It may give us validation and help us move on in the short term but it usually comes back to bite us on the arse.

After Mr Fumble made it clear that a relationship wasn’t going to happen I went straight back online. As a result I made some reckless and nearly dangerous decisions.

People jump back on to the apps and sites for many reasons, sometimes because it’s a simple need to get their end away. Sexual need is difficult to ignore especially when you’ve been getting it regularly. But if you just want to get your end away then be honest about it. Don’t deceive people into thinking you’re looking for more.

When I started writing this a while back my hope took a beating. It was inevitable after recalling and revisiting these experiences but then I met up with some friends who had met through online dating. They told me of their experience. There were familiar situations, for example one didn’t reply initially and distance caused a couple of issues. But a relationship slowly developed over chatting, meeting up and dating.

So, when I asked them, “How can I still have hope when I have heartbreak inside me?” I was told that you have to prepare for heartbreak when you date but then sometimes you get lucky and it does work out. At this point, they gave each other such a grin of nauseating joy that had I not been sticking my fingers down my throat I would have got caught up in it. It was a smile that only genuine, caring love lives in and was the display of encouragement I needed.

Fight for meSo, heartbreak does happen and it can temporarily destroy us. But H is for Hope too because online dating does work out, people keep trying and they enjoy themselves in the process. And one positive from Mr Fumble is that it gave me my love of men in military uniform, which helped inspire my erotic romance short story Fight For Me, which is available to download.

I’d love to know how you’ve dealt with heartbreak in dating. You can share your thoughts or experiences by commenting below or visiting my Facebook page.

G is for Ghosting, part 2

My name is Rebecca and I was ghosted… In my last post, I shared the many reasons why people ghost others and explained that I had ghosted men myself. It was usually when I was too scared to admit to the guy that there wasn’t any chemistry between us.

ghostedMy own experience of being on the receiving end was a shock for me in my newbie naivety. John Hoe was the first guy I chatted to online that I had chemistry with. An older guy, attractive and funny. The sort of man who you might find working in your office. Think about any of the offices you’ve worked in. Was there that guy that the ladies tended to swoon over? Did he charm all who met him, flirt easily and have a smile that made you want to run your lips across it before tasting his mouth and seeing if he kissed as well as you imagined?

That was John Hoe and I thought I was the luckiest lady because I was the focus of his attention. I was incredibly inexperienced when it came to being chatted up. I foolishly thought constant texting always meant an attraction that would lead to more.

After what was in fact a pretty short time conversing online, we swapped numbers and texted constantly. For a week, it was several hours during the day and then non-stop after work before finally dropping off to sleep and starting again the next day. The laughter from both of us seemed non-stop but it wasn’t just surface chat, we shared times we’d been hurt, our hopes and dreams and the events of our day. The photos messaged were relatively chaste, after all I was a newbie, but still flirty.

On one of the days spent messaging I broached the question of “Would you like to go on a date some time?” My heart was in my mouth. I trembled as I pressed send. Then I waited. Would he respond, would I ever hear from him again? I had no idea. I sat at my desk, anxious for a reply, keeping an eye on my phone, desperately waiting for that tell-tale vibration that would signal a new message.

People who tried to enter my office were forced to depart. I didn’t have time for any of their shit. I was asking a guy out, something I’d never done before!

And then the reply came.

ghosting“Of course I would.”

I shimmied around my office, nearly twerking with excitement. The smile that was plastered across my face refused to leave its new home for days. In hindsight, I was desperately naive but I’d never asked a guy out and I truly believed that things might finally be going my way.

The texts that brought smiles to my face continued to go back and forth but there was no mention of the date again, no agreed time, the location wasn’t even a topic hinted at. But the chemistry between us, even via text, was still undeniable.

After six days of solid texting his messages suddenly reduced significantly. We communicated via Whatsapp, sometimes a useful message app. Although, sadly, it’s also a useful tool for men who want to send me pictures of their rock-hard tools.

John Hoe went from a message virtually every minute to maybe a couple of messages over the course of a day.

What had I done wrong? He was the cool, older, experienced guy, it must have been me who made the mistake, surely? But now, with the benefit of hindsight and experience I don’t believe I did anything wrong, he just moved on. He’d ghosted me. I continued to wait to hear from him. I didn’t want to put pressure on him and what I still, again naively, thought might grow into more. But the messages dried up and over the next couple of days I didn’t hear from him at all.

So, what did I do?

I’m cringing as I write this. I sent him a message that I wish I hadn’t. Maybe I should have been dignified and walked away but I was hurt and confused. I couldn’t understand how what had been great chemistry could suddenly become, at best, something insignificant and, at worst, rejection.

I don’t remember exactly what I sent but it could have been worse. Can you tell that I’m trying to justify myself? It was something like…

Me: I’ve really enjoyed chatting to you and I was surprised I hadn’t heard from you recently. I hope you’re okay.

Suddenly I was back to anxiously waiting in my office, wondering if I would get a reply, waiting for that phone vibration. I hoped against hope that he’d tell me that he’d lost his phone or had been really busy with work. But that didn’t happen.

No reply materialised and when I went back on Whatsapp I could see that he’d read my message and then, from what I’ve learnt about the app since, I’m pretty sure he blocked me. I was horrified and left questioning everything I’d said and done. Personally speaking, I don’t block people unless something significant has happened. In fact, I’ve only ever blocked three people, and that was for substantial reasons.

I wouldn’t have texted again, the lack of reply to my last message was enough. But he didn’t know me really, even after all our chatting.

So, what went wrong? I confess I got my friends to check the messages I’d sent, just to make sure they weren’t freaky weird. According to my experienced, knowledgeable friends they weren’t odd at all.

Maybe he just moved on to someone new, maybe I wasn’t what he wanted? I’ll leave you to mull it over because I’ve done enough of that in the past. I’ve seen John Hoe on a couple of sites since but I’ve never been tempted to speak to him again.

I reiterate a previous point, you never know what someone else is thinking.

But ghosting, especially after prolonged contact or dating, is unnecessary. Maybe in those situations tell the potential there’s no chemistry, you’ve met someone else or things have changed. Be as honest as you’re willing to be but still polite and if possible avoid the ghosting tactic because it hurts. You’d hate for it to be done to you.

On the flip side, you shouldn’t let someone who has ghosted you get you down or ruin your enthusiasm for dating; they were probably an arsehole anyway. It’s their problem not yours. Thankfully, I got “back on the horse”, moved onwards and upwards and eventually met other guys including Mr Fumble and Stallion Stan.

You can find out more about them in my blog post on H is for Heartbreak.

G is for…Ghosting

What is ghosting? Have you done it?

Have you seen this word before in the context of dating?

ghostingIf you’ve tried online dating in the last couple of years, even for just a short time, then you’ve probably been victim to it. The act of ghosting has been around for years. But with the rise in popularity of dating apps, messaging strangers before meeting them and the increasing numbers of those who are doing it, including married people, ghosting is all around us.

In August 2015, The Guardian reported on a survey completed by GlobalWeb Index. The survey found that globally approximately a third of dating app Tinder’s users are married. Tinder hit back in a Twitter frenzy with their own data which said that only 1.7% of Tinder users are married. Whichever piece of data, survey or opinion you believe it doesn’t stop the fact that there are all sorts of mysteries to be found via online dating. But how does this relate to ghosting and what is it?

Ghosting is when you’re chatting to someone, maybe even going on dates with them, and suddenly all communication stops. Messages are no longer replied to, future dates and any form of politeness or chemistry is quickly forgotten. The person being ghosted may initially wonder if the other person is okay but after a while the hint is obvious. Something you thought was going well has ended in a cowardly, maybe even cruel, way and you have no idea why. I’ve seen for myself that ghosting can hurt.

Ghosting may have been orchestrated for many reasons:

  • they’ve found someone else they connect with better
  • you said something they didn’t like and instead of explaining they’ve moved on
  • they’ve decided they didn’t have much of a connection with you
  • you were a time filler and they’ve found a different way to spend their time
  • you met and they didn’t fancy you but they don’t know how to tell you
  • they expected you to be more physical or less physical than you were
  • you did something really weird
  • they’ve found someone physically closer
  • an unwanted dick pic was sent
  • they’ve found someone easier
  • they were married all along and they had the online fun they were after
  • the mother ship returned and beamed them home to another planet!

ghostingThe possibilities are endless and that is part of the problem. You’re left wondering but never knowing what has changed. You could be considering the worse, questioning yourself and everything you said and did. Ghosting can consume us and leave us with more baggage than we started with and inevitably our fences go up.

If you started online dating because you were looking for some form of validation or you were desperately looking for a way to raise your confidence, then you need to be prepared for the possibility of getting hurt. A certain level of confidence is required to get through the arseholes that litter the corridors of your dating experiences.

Okay, it’s confession time readers. Feel free to judge me, I’ll take it like a reveller wearing Pikachu fancy dress in town on a Saturday night.

I have ghosted guys.

I could throw myself on your mercy but I don’t have any reasons or even an excuse. All I can say is that I too have had my gutless moments. My lack of experience didn’t help but, ultimately, I can be a massive chicken. I should have treated guys better and now I can say that I’ll never ghost a guy that I’ve been on a date with or given my mobile number to. I also no longer give my number out to just anyone.

I’ll tell you about my own experience of being ghosted in my next post. In the meantime, if you’d like to share your thoughts or experiences then please comment below or visit my Facebook page or Twitter page.

Fight For Me: a short tale of erotic romance

New Book alert! Fight for meAlthough you can find Fight For Me in the Crave For Me anthology I decided it was time it got its own release. I remember sitting down to plan this book out on a cold November night in a quiet cafe. It wasn’t the obvious setting for an erotic romance brimming with love but that didn’t stop me. When I was younger I was too shy to talk to the guys I had crushes on. During my teens and 20s there were several crushes that made my palms sweaty and my face beetroot red. Unfortunately it never went further. The inability to flirt, even chat to guys I had crushes on inspired a lot of my writing, including this story.

But that wasn’t the only inspiration.

You’ll see from my A-Z of Online Dating blog posts that I’ve had some good and bad dates. One of the good ones, that will feature under H is for Heartbreak was Mr Fumble. He was a squaddie that broke my heart but he also made a massive impact on many things, including my imagination. That was where the inspiration started.

But it needed somewhere else to go. I have always had a love of stories where females fall in love with their brother’s best friends. But I can’t explain why. I had lukewarm feelings for several of my brother’s friends when I was younger but none of them stood out. None of them captured my lust, brought me joy or made me laugh like the male protagonist in Fight For Me.

Fight for me Crave

Joe is a hot and cocky yet endearing and humorous soldier who our female protagonist Jules has always fancied. Although she has successfully avoided him for years, when she realised he could never be the man she wanted, she has continued to love him. The rumour among her family was that he couldn’t get leave from the army for Jules’ brother’s wedding. But would he really miss his best friend’s wedding or the chance to see Jules again?

Let Joe be your new book boyfriend. I’m certain I wouldn’t be able to resist him.

You can buy the book by clicking on this link or any of the links on my books page.

Please enjoy the excerpt below and tell me, have you ever had a kiss like this?

Excerpt

“I see you have no wedding ring. Are you here alone? Always alone aren’t you, Pencil? It seems to suit you well. No friends, no husband, no nothing.” Freya and Annabella giggled next to her, the monster was laughing in her face once more.

Say anything, get the fuckers back with your words. She opened her mouth but all that came out was a barely audible squeak. They cackled in response.

Hands suddenly found her hips, gripping tightly, their strength easily turning her shocked body around, before soft lips brushed against hers. Her eyes fluttered closed in the pleasure of the moment. It was a graceful, gentle kiss at first but quickly escalated into a needy, passionate embrace. Jules had no idea who the man demanding such heat was and she was reluctant to open her eyes and find out. This was a kiss of longing and she was drowning in it.

The stranger pressed his strong firm body against her swollen breasts. For a second she questioned what she was doing, but any reluctance was crushed as she willingly opened her mouth to his sensuous and insistent tongue easing her lips apart. Hands slid hungrily to the flesh of her bottom, squeezing it expertly through her jeans, pulling her closer. There was an unexpected opulence to his touch and she felt a hardness pressing into her that raised her curiosity as quickly as it increased the ache between her legs.

The rumble of the music travelled through each nerve of her body but her senses continued to stay keenly focused on him. His minty breath fought with the mixture of spirits still on her tongue. The smell of musky deodorant mingled with sweat and something almost woody, which caused her nose to tingle as she felt the material of his clothes against her skin. Rough material rubbed against her lower back where her top had lifted slightly, heightening her arousal and making her force him closer. Delicate fingertips found the bristles of hair on his neck and tentatively she stroked them. Who is this guy? That hardness is all mine.

Air was fading from her lungs but she didn’t want to stop. She was unrestrained, controlled by a force beyond reason, as she rubbed mercilessly against his firm straining crotch. The alcohol that had filled her bloodstream brought flushed and heady sensations but still she embraced the arousal that heated her body throughout. A rough tongue massaged hers with expert skill as his fingertips toyed with the hem of her rising top.

I’m almost out of air, I need to breathe. Hands climbed quickly, sensing a rearing of her head, pressing a little harder against her neck, as if he wasn’t ready to let her go. I want this kiss more than I want to breathe but I need to know who is bringing me to these heights. It could be anyone. What if someone is playing a joke on me?

Jules’ green eyes fluttered open and took a moment to focus, searching through the slight fuzz of alcohol that still clouded her pupils. Oh my God, it can’t be. As if her memories had synchronised to stab her in her heart while playing cruel games with her senses, she realised she was looking at the one man she thought she’d successfully avoided for life.

Joe was home and she was in his arms. Shit!

“Alright, Jules? Just follow my lead,” he whispered in her ear, before giving her one of the signature cheeky grins she’d missed.

“Sweetheart, I’ve found you. Sorry I was late, you know what the army is like. There are always people who need rescuing.”

Words failed her. What the hell is he doing here? And what the fuck was with that kiss?