Settling, Friends with Benefits and Chemistry
There can be different thoughts ratting around our brains when we’re dating.
Am I settling?
Have you ever worried that you’re dating someone because you don’t want to be alone at weekends? If you settle, i.e. date long term someone you know isn’t what you want then you’re missing out on much more. In this odd world there could be a person that would be near perfect for you. Someone that could bring out the best in you, that you hold hands with in good and bad times. While you’re settling with someone you know isn’t right for you they could be waiting and refusing to settle.
However, giving a potential who doesn’t match your tick list a go is something you could try. Accidentally you might find the potential you’re sexually attracted to, the one that brings that unmistakable glow . That isn’t settling that is picking wisely. There may be a potential who can’t kiss properly, who has some weird habits or their parents drive you mad. Dating that person isn’t settling. No one is perfect, I’m certainly not and you probably know realistically of your own imperfections but somewhere out there is your albatross, so keep looking and don’t give up.
Lots of birds are partners for life and one of these is an albatross. They may not be as cute as a rabbit but no matter how far and wide they travel they’ll always return to their partner, they always come home. Albatrosses have amusing meeting dances to attract a partner, lots of weaving and bobbing, shrieks and whistles and smacking of beaks. But once this dance is done they find their partner and the “relationship” that develops and the connection that firms up over several years lasts a lifetime no matter what.
A friend, Muriel, tried internet dating, and found Willy Wanka. Willy was someone she loved spending time with but he didn’t reflect the sort of guy she’d expected to end up with. They decided to be friends and see each other socially but that didn’t work either because he couldn’t be friends with someone he had that depth of feeling for, he couldn’t be friends with his albatross. The story could have ended there but this is a story with a happy ending because without him in her life Muriel was lost. Willy may not have originally been the perfect guy she set out to find but that’s the joy of online dating, sometimes you find what you need and not a human tick box. Muriel and Willy got back together and are now happily married with their baby.
So what am I saying here? Don’t settle and take anyone. BUT when you meet your albatross don’t ignore them because they’re not ticking all the boxes you’d prepared.
Unfortunately dating isn’t a maths problem with one answer at the end of a simple equation. It’s people’s lives, hormones, brains and fears. Life is complicated and anyone can get hurt even the person you least expect. Deciding whether to take a risk can feel like jumping into the obis, whether you’re deciding if you should do the fuck buddy thing or attempting to start a long term relationship.
One of the things that comes up with online dating is the fuck buddy (FB) or friends with benefits option. In my days of online dating I’ve been offered numerous opportunities to have a fuck buddy. I tried a watered down version once and found it didn’t work for me. I’m incapable of having emotional distance from sex. See I’d Do Anything for Love.
Fuck buddies works for some. If you’re going to do it make sure it’s not at the risk of other possible relationships. It’s not like Hollywood movies where everything ends happily for both parties.
Do-em Doris was a woman I went to university with, she was the siren that all the guys wanted. Men in nearby halls would ogle her from their windows. Doris had it all; freakishly intelligent, motivated, confident, not afraid of anything and top it off she looked like a blonde Lara Croft. Men flocked to her and she’d enjoy the pleasure of the hot ones company, sometimes more than one at a time. Then, unexpectedly, Doris fell in love with her best friend and fuck buddy, Walter, the European Adonis. Unfortunately he didn’t fancy her like that, in fact he liked someone else. Suddenly Doris was closed off to any guy who came in her vicinity.
Note: To a guy whose profile on online dating said he was looking for a relationship but currently had a fuck buddy, if you’re trying to convince ladies you’re good in bed and in demand then find any other way to do it. I don’t care that you said she’d be happy for the arrangement to come to an end if you found someone. If you want a relationship then leave your fuck buddy out of your dating profile.
Chemistry, what is it?
Chemistry isn’t always instant. I think back to the potentials I’ve ended up liking enough to feel a flutter in my stomach at just the beep of my phone. I can say almost 100% that with each of them intense chemistry wasn’t instant. Some things take time. With chemistry we want to chat with the other person, spend time together, find out more about them AND do the physical stuff too.
In my opinion if after time the chemistry doesn’t grow then the relationship isn’t worth pursuing. BUT you have to make the decision for yourself. I’ve had several dates where there was no chemistry, including the first couple of dates with my boyfriend.
Is chemistry different to a spark?
I think they’re different. You can have chemistry with friends but you’d never take it further because that something more isn’t there. A spark can be purely physical but a good spark is cloaked in chemistry and that means something amazing could happen. But sometimes we feel what we want to feel.
So when should we make that jump and when should we settle? Sadly I can’t see your future or even my own. But just this once I shall shake my Magic 8 ball for you.
And it says…
“Cannot predict now”