J is for Jumble of thoughts… settling and chemistry

Settling, Friends with Benefits and Chemistry

There can be different thoughts ratting around our brains when we’re dating.

Am I settling?

lonely settling chemistryHave you ever worried that you’re dating someone because you don’t want to be alone at weekends? If you settle, i.e. date long term someone you know isn’t what you want then you’re missing out on much more. In this odd world there could be a person that would be near perfect for you. Someone that could bring out the best in you, that you hold hands with in good and bad times. While you’re settling with someone you know isn’t right for you they could be waiting and refusing to settle.

However, giving a potential who doesn’t match your tick list a go is something you could try. Accidentally you might find the potential you’re sexually attracted to, the one that brings that unmistakable glow . That isn’t settling that is picking wisely. There may be a potential who can’t kiss properly, who has some weird habits or their parents drive you mad. Dating that person isn’t settling. No one is perfect, I’m certainly not and you probably know realistically of your own imperfections but somewhere out there is your albatross, so keep looking and don’t give up.

Albatross?

Lots of birds are partners for life and one of these is an albatross. They may not be as cute as a rabbit but no matter how far and wide they travel they’ll always return to their partner, they always come home. Albatrosses have amusing meeting dances to attract a partner, lots of weaving and bobbing, shrieks and whistles and smacking of beaks.albatross romance But once this dance is done they find their partner and the “relationship” that develops and the connection that firms up over several years lasts a lifetime no matter what.

 

A friend, Muriel, tried internet dating, and found Willy Wanka. Willy was someone she loved spending time with but he didn’t reflect the sort of guy she’d expected to end up with. They decided to be friends and see each other socially but that didn’t work either because he couldn’t be friends with someone he had that depth of feeling for, he couldn’t be friends with his albatross. The story could have ended there but this is a story with a happy ending because without him in her life Muriel was lost. Willy may not have originally been the perfect guy she set out to find but that’s the joy of online dating, sometimes you find what you need and not a human tick box. Muriel and Willy got back together and are now happily married with their baby.

So what am I saying here? Don’t settle and take anyone. BUT when you meet your albatross don’t ignore them because they’re not ticking all the boxes you’d prepared.

Unfortunately dating isn’t a maths problem with one answer at the end of a simple equation. It’s people’s lives, hormones, brains and fears. Life is complicated and anyone can get hurt even the person you least expect. Deciding whether to take a risk can feel like jumping into the obis, whether you’re deciding if you should do the fuck buddy thing or attempting to start a long term relationship.

Fuck Buddies

One of the things that comes up with online dating is the fuck buddy (FB) or friends with benefits option.  In my days of online dating I’ve been offered numerous opportunities to have a fuck buddy. I tried a watered down version once and found it didn’t work for me. I’m incapable of having emotional distance from sex. See I’d Do Anything for Love.

Fuck buddies works for some. If you’re going to do it make sure it’s not at the risk of other possible relationships. It’s not like Hollywood movies where everything ends happily for both parties.

Do-em Doris was a woman I went to university with, she was the siren that all the guys wanted. Men in nearby halls would ogle her from their windows. Doris had it all; freakishly intelligent, motivated, confident, not afraid of anything and top it off she looked like a blonde Lara Croft. Men flocked to her and she’d enjoy the pleasure of the hot ones company, sometimes more than one at a time. Then, unexpectedly, Doris fell in love with her best friend and fuck buddy, Walter, the European Adonis. Unfortunately he didn’t fancy her like that, in fact he liked someone else. Suddenly Doris was closed off to any guy who came in her vicinity.

Note: To a guy whose profile on online dating said he was looking for a relationship but currently had a fuck buddy, if you’re trying to convince ladies you’re good in bed and in demand then find any other way to do it. I don’t care that you said she’d be happy for the arrangement to come to an end if you found someone. If you want a relationship then leave your fuck buddy out of your dating profile.

Chemistry, what is it?

romance chemistry settlingChemistry isn’t always instant. I think back to the potentials I’ve ended up liking enough to feel a flutter in my stomach at just the beep of my phone. I can say almost 100% that with each of them intense chemistry wasn’t instant. Some things take time. With chemistry we want to chat with the other person, spend time together, find out more about them AND do the physical stuff too.

In my opinion if after time the chemistry doesn’t grow then the relationship isn’t worth pursuing. BUT you have to make the decision for yourself. I’ve had several dates where there was no chemistry, including the first couple of dates with my boyfriend.

Is chemistry different to a spark?

I think they’re different. You can have chemistry with friends but you’d never take it further because that something more isn’t there. A spark can be purely physical but a good spark is cloaked in chemistry and that means something amazing could happen. But sometimes we feel what we want to feel.

So when should we make that jump and when should we settle? Sadly I can’t see your future or even my own. But just this once I shall shake my Magic 8 ball for you.

And it says…

“Cannot predict now”

Ah, shit.

In the meantime, if you’d like to share your thoughts or experiences then please comment below or visit my Facebook page or Twitter page.

C is for…Casual Sex and Condoms (Continued)

casual sex and condomsIf you don’t want casual sex how do you avoid those who do? In my last update, C is for Casual Sex and Condoms, I talked about being honest about what you’re looking for from online potentials. Personally, I’m not looking for casual sex or one night stands. So, I tend to avoid guys that include semi-nude photos in their profiles and those that have dodgy user names or taglines.

What do I mean by that?

Here are some names that got a no, even though they did amuse me:
• teasetoplease
• spunkmonkey
• mingelover
• iknowhowtouseit

And profile taglines:
• No fanny too big or too small
• Good body and with a big tool for hard and hot work
• Looking for hook up for me and another woman

Douchebag Deidre

It’s safe to say that whatever we want we can find it online. The skill is trying to separate the liars, psychos and dickheads from those that are looking for the same as us. They are out there too.

This brings me to Douchebag Deidre and my friend Horace. Horace and Deidre were in contact for a month or so and he was smitten. Chuckles were as frequent as the multitude of texts they sent each other. They had a lot in common. Even the things they bought when they went junk food shopping matched like a game of snap. I could see Horace was quickly captivated and the conversations they had that he dared to share with me were sweet and lovely. Had Horace finally found someone he could flirt with and be in a relationship with?

textingNot long after they started chatting, Deidre explained that she hadn’t been separated from her husband for very long. Together they had joint custody of their young daughter. That wasn’t an issue for Horace and so they decided it was time to move beyond texting and set a date for meeting. The planning wasn’t easy because Deidre had just moved to a new place, which was an hour away. And obviously the daughter was staying over some nights too. But eventually the hopeful first meeting was set in stone.

The texts continued.

Some of the texts sent by Deidre included “I wish you were here with me right now” and “Please don’t go to sleep yet, I want to keep texting.” They seemed happy chatting to each other like this and all was going well.

Three nights before they were due to meet, Deidre had a bit too much prosecco. The truth started to reveal itself, with a bit of cajoling by Horace. Apparently, she was drunk and feeling sorry for herself. It didn’t take much for her to confess she wasn’t getting on well with her parents because they were on the side of her ex-husband. She had a history of dumping men when life got difficult. Deidre confessed that she’d split up with one long term boyfriend in the last couple of months, been married twice and had only left her husband six months earlier. The numbers didn’t add up.

The words continued to pour from her slightly sozzled mouth. When sober, Deidre had mentioned that marriage still appealed to her. In her drunkenness she admitted that she had no intention of marrying again.

“I’m not sure if I can treat a man properly again because my daughter is the only thing that matters to me. That won’t change. No man will ever matter to me again”.

The most shocking aspect was when she presumed their upcoming date would involve sex because she “could do better” than him.

Honesty – the Best Policy

Horace was stunned and spoke to me at length about what had happened and how he should respond. Over their entire conversation his feelings had waned and, although the idea of no strings sex appealed, it wasn’t what he wanted. The next day he contacted Deidre and explained that maybe she wasn’t in the right place to be dating and certainly not to be dating him. It was Deidre’s turn to be surprised, although not particularly bothered.

Maybe she couldn’t remember what she’d said in her alcohol fuelled state or maybe she was just unsure what the problem was. After all, she was of the opinion she was out of Horace’s league so why wouldn’t he want her? Had Deidre been honest at the start then it would have saved Horace a lot of time and energy.

Casual Sex and Condoms too

But this section of the A to Z isn’t just about casual sex, condoms are a feature too. Whatever your “thing” is, whether casual sex or sex in a relationship, always use a condom. I’m not going to beat about the bush, I’m sure your Tinder date will beat your bush a lot better than I can!

At the end of 2015, doctors were suggesting that dating apps were causing an increase in the rates of sexually transmitted diseases. I’m sure we could debate this endlessly but, ultimately, people have unprotected sex with people they meet and nowadays they often meet via online dating. Save yourself some awkward trips to the STI clinic and use a condom. You don’t know where the person you’re sleeping with has been, no matter what they tell you. It takes ages to get to know someone and people do lie, as I’ve already proved.

So wrap it up or make sure he does because the consequences aren’t pretty. Googling pictures of STIs will convince you of just how ugly it can get.

Coming up, D is for the dreaded Dick Pic! Meanwhile, don’t forget to “like” my Facebook page and follow me on Twitter for regular updates.

C is for…Casual Sex and Condoms

casual sexSome people do casual sex and some don’t. Whether we do or not it’s no one’s business but ours and the person we may or may not be sleeping with. Casual sex is a personal choice and will be based on many factors. These can include the person you’re considering doing it with, your general mood, the level of affection, what location is available and how much you’ve had to drink. It can be a well-planned military operation or as spontaneous as turning up at an airport and buying a ticket to the first location you see.

I know people who’ve done it and people who haven’t. If you want to do it then jump right in, preferably not feet first as that makes it a bit more complicated. But make sure that if that’s your choice, it’s the choice of the person you’re sleeping with as well.

Casual Sex is Not An Excuse for Lying

Maybe your aim is to screw as many people as possible and hit some round numbers. It’s good to have a goal in life, but be honest about it. If that’s what you want then you shouldn’t pretend differently. There’s lots of people out there of both sexes who are looking for casual sex. So, let’s do the world a favour and not mindf**k someone who’s looking for something longer term. In the same way, if you’re looking for long term don’t pretend you’re fine with casual sex and then turn into a psycho when casual sex is all you get.

Online dating doesn’t have to be a game. But if you’re doing it at someone else’s expense and enjoying hurting people in the process then maybe you need to see a counsellor and not the underwear of someone who is looking for marriage and has been led to believe that’s your aim too.

Let’s Be Honest

I recall a couple of years ago when I had my first foray into app dating sites. A pleasant guy and one of my matches started chatting with me. It went something like:

Seymour: Hey. Hope you’re having a good night. What sort of thing are you looking for on here?

Me: Probably just dating and then seeing how it goes. Maybe a relationship eventually. How about you?

Seymour: I’m hoping to find someone that I can have sex with tonight.

Me: Ah okay, I’m afraid that’s not me but good luck.

Seymour: You too. Laters!

We then moved on, hopefully to others who were more what we wanted. In my innocence I was surprised at his brazen and candid reply but now I wish all the guys I spoke to were as honest as Seymour.

On one app and website you can specify from a drop down list what you’re looking for. This includes, “is looking for a relationship” and “is looking for casual dating/no commitment”.

Thank goodness for these options, although they’re pretty pointless unless you’re honest. So, just be honest!

In my next post, I’ll share some of the ways you can spot those guys that are only interested in casual sex and, as promised, we’ll touch on the very important topic of condoms.

I Don’t Do Hook Ups… Can’t Say That Anymore (Part 2)

This is the second part of a recent blog post: I Don’t Do Hook Ups… Can’t Say That Anymore (Part 1). Several weeks ago I was horny as hell and not wanting to date some random, unknown guy to get rid of it. Instead I propositioned a previous date. This guy, Rubber Johnny (name changed to protect the innocent/guilty), had no intention of long term because of his own baggage. To find out more about what brought me to contacting him, click the link above.

But moving on.

The day arrived.

Preparation was key.

Best Laid Plans…

hook upsUnfortunately, however much you prepare things go wrong. A mixture of a sore throat and leaving the hair removal cream on for too long sent me into an initial panic. Was that too much information?

I certainly wasn’t feeling the excitement, the nerves were slowly eating away at me, “what if he was a dick about it”, “what if I couldn’t go through with it”, “what if he still looks like a gay pirate?” But I pushed them to one side and drove to his home, mostly undeterred.

On the drive I felt the flourish of excitement that’s familiar before a first date. Usually it’s clouded with nerves because I’m also worrying about the unknown. But then I was yo-yoing emotionally again. Fear and nerves still took over, unsettling my belly like a gone-off yoghurt.

Although I knew we were going to watch a movie and chill out for a bit it was still a hook up. This was completely against character. My sister hadn’t seemed impressed when I told her. What would some of my more overprotective friends think? Would I be okay with their judgements? But that wasn’t the only concern; what if I couldn’t keep it casual and I fell for him again? I didn’t want to spend another evening sobbing over the guy. That had been a shitty Christmas Eve.

Overcoming the Fear

Fears continued to rattle round my head as we met and walked to his lounge. Hearing him grumble about his neighbours, the recycling boxes and the dickheads at work brought my fantasies crashing down. The reality is, when it’s not a date, when you’re, to some extent, a sure thing then there’s no “best behaviour”, the need to impress is unnecessary and while I felt respected I also felt like I was just a hook up. But that’s what I wanted, right?

RJ was awkward in my presence, although now in hindsight I think that’s just who he is, an awkward guy. When he was out of the room and I put my gum in the bin he came rushing back in asking what the noise was. This wasn’t how I’d remembered him.

But, sat in front of the movie, snuggled up together I could tell, unexpectedly, that the chemistry was still there. My body was humming harder than a room full of bees when I felt his hand rest on my bum before he started stroking it with a gentle caress.

The slight touches were exciting, the kissing intense and everything else was… private. But just so you know, the non-sex hook up was kind of glorious. Aspects of our time together will feature in my erotic romance writing, I’m sure of it.

Lessons Learned from my Hook Up

Later, when I was driving home, I realised:

I’m glad I did what I did, no regrets, BUT I’m never doing it again. I enjoyed what we did but there was a coldness to it, it was a little soulless. It meant nothing. It became a series of acts with a guy who was good at kissing and other stuff but I needed more than that. I like the excitement that goes with fancying someone, the uncertainty of a furtive look, the “accidental” brush of hands over dinner, the hope that they might kiss you and the blissful feeling when you realise you had one of those dates that will stay with you for days.

friends with benefitsI like the intimacy that’s accompanied by an attraction of the brain and the body. I’m somewhat reluctant to say I’m a romantic. It was a hook up and I mostly enjoyed it, although I still had to imagine myself with someone else to fully build the excitement. Is that messed up?

  • RJ was still a nice guy. He built up my body confidence and was bloody brilliant at what he did with the rest of me.
  • I’m not happy being single but I want a relationship, not a one off and that can take time. I need to put in the effort rather than expect some dream boyfriend to turn up on my doorstep.
  • I’ve finally got RJ out of my system. I didn’t even realise he was still there, from Christmas, until I walked away. While great in his own way he’d never been worth losing tears over.
  • It was a goodbye for good. Although he treated me with respect and care I don’t want to go back.
  • Hook ups aren’t for me

I Don’t Do Hook Ups… Can’t Say That Anymore (Part 1)

I Don’t Do Hook Ups, I Don’t Do Hook Ups…

One of my life mantras is “I don’t do hook ups”. I know my mind; I need trust when any form of sexual contact is involved, my instincts can block intimacy and I have, on occasion, got easily attached when I’ve really liked a guy.

So, I don’t do hook ups and that has worked out well for me. But recently I was faced with a problem. Several weeks ago I was hornier than a male student living with a team of nude cheerleaders and the horniness wouldn’t go away. Hot guys passed through my dreams throughout the day and night. My previous experiences would revisit me as vivid memories; at work, the gym, while sitting in traffic. Meanwhile current fantasies formed out of nowhere; guys on the train kissing me slowly, the man at karaoke dancing intimately with me (those are the PG ones).

What could I do?

I considered my options:

  • I could go on a night out into town and hope to meet a random guy I found attractive was up for some fun with me. Getting him to come home with me would be easy, right? I’ve never done that before, I’m rubbish at reading signs on a night out and I always get the weird ones following me around, trying to get in my pants.
  • Online dating hook upsOn Bumble I was getting many requests for no strings sex, maybe I could just agree to one of those.
  • I was also building up some interesting connections online for first dates, maybe I could just forgo the usual getting to know each other part and have a bit of a fumble.

I Don’t Do Hook Ups!

The problem is that all these options it meant meeting with a stranger. I needed a level of trust and chemistry already established. It led me to the only option I could conceive of, other than abstinence, his name was Rubber Johnny (names have been changed to protect the innocent/guilty). Last December I went on a date with RJ. The chemistry was overwhelming, he had me quivering from the moment he touched my leg. What had started with drinks had ended with some no-sex fun back at his place several hours later. But because he had major baggage, details of which have since been explained to me, he didn’t want more. A couple of days before we originally met he’d told me that he wasn’t interested in long term but like a fool I thought I could change him. Didn’t I learn anything from my mum’s rambling lectures?

But back to a month ago. RJ had already been in contact and suggested meeting up again, for kissing purposes only. I was adamant to anyone that listened that it wasn’t going to happen and yet secretly I was toying with the idea that it could. But I didn’t do things like that… did I?

Horny for a Hook Up

Eventually the horniness got so that I couldn’t focus on anything but my own boisterous, unyielding needs. It was then, after a week of overthinking, I sent him a propositioning message.

At best, he was unsure. After all, he explained, I’d said no many times. Besides,hadn’t I also told him when we first met that I got attached easily. Yep, he was quoting me. The beauty of RJ was that I knew where he stood when it came to hook ups, I trusted he’d stop when I wanted to and from our previous date I knew the chemistry was there. I felt it was better than going on a date with a random guy and being disappointed, doing something I regretted or ignoring the chance to get to know them because I needed a fix of endorphins.

That argument seemed to be the convincer and so we agreed to meet.

But what happened next? Did he go through with it, did I change my mind, did we fall madly in love?

I’ll save that for my next post, stay tuned…