Phil Dew part 2 – Could I Change Him?

If you missed part one of my Phil Dew experience and why I decided to play games then you can read it here. If you’re up to date enjoy what happened next.

Can You Change Someone?

changeMy mum once told me, “Don’t ever think you can change a man because you can’t.”

I should have realised when Phil first told me that the distance was too much that I wasn’t a game player. Ball games have never been part of my skill set…!

I was heading for a romance car crash if I thought I had any chance of swaying Phil’s decision. Sadly not only did I ignore the saying, I also ignored my instincts. More worryingly I ignored everything I’d already witnessed about Phil. The guy liked to have things his way and was as stubborn as me. Eventually we did go on that first date and it lasted eight hours.

everyone knowsIt was filled with laughter, smiles, the sort of subtle touches you make when you want to grab each other and kiss but are too scared to do anything so bold. In the end there was kissing, in a park where we enjoyed the warming sun. Our kissing was accompanied by a guy playing a guitar and singing so badly that Phil was ready to break the wood in two but the kissing kept him busy enough to control his annoyance.

So it all ended okay after the date and we lived happily ever after?

Don’t be so ridiculous.

What could go wrong?

Our friendship, where we refused to acknowledge the distance while continuing to talk about how much we cared about each other and rejecting the option to date other people carried on at a heady pace. I visited him for the weekend and got on with his friends. Even his dog loved me and his “little” Philip seemed happy to be in my company too, not that we got too physical. I guess holding that back was part of my ineffective game plan.

But none of this mattered because eventually things came to a head when I invited him to stay at mine. The avoidance tactic wasn’t working for either of us anymore. In typical fashion it wasn’t a grown up sharing of well thought out opinions it was the thrown out insults of two hurting people forced into a situation where there was no happy solution.

The real friendship and romance ended there

That evening tears brimmed at my eyes and eventually I sobbed. It was the teen romance I’d never experienced. Since then we’ve tried chatting a couple of times but it’s never worked. The trust, the care and the friendship had already been destroyed. No one who has genuinely cared about me has hurt me to the extent that he did and so the friendship couldn’t go back in time. I guess if I’d let it lie when he originally said he couldn’t do distance things might have been different but in the long run it caused more hurt than it healed.

Maybe if we’d lived in the same town we would have been a couple or maybe just best friends. I’ll never know. In the end none of it matters because when it’s not right for one person there’s nothing you can do about it.

It might be that you have extremely differing opinions on significant things. Does that mean there’s no future? Other times you might find you’re not in the right place to be dating. Maybe you’re hurting, jaded, tired or have too much going on in your life.

Ditch the Apps

I was once told “It’s better to be stuck on a shelf than locked in a cupboard”.

In other words it’s better to be single for a while than trapped with the wrong person.

If you need a break from online dating for a while then take that break. I did it for different reasons.

hipster changeDelete the apps from your phone, watch some television or catch up with your friends. It’s okay to take a break and it’s better than damaging your instincts and ending up with a psycho or a hipster… What could be worse?

If you have had an experience like this then let me know in the comments section or via my Facebook page or Twitter page. Or maybe you can tell me what is worse than a hipster, you’ll need a convincing argument though. Surely they’re the pits?

M is for Make a Date: The Bad

The First Date

The first date can be a game changer. I was once asked by a potential if I was ready to go on the last “first date I’d ever go on”. Sadly it wasn’t my last first date, it was just my first and last date with him. At times I’ve longed not to have to go on any first dates again but they’re not all bad.

My Rules

The first decision you need to make is when do you ask or when do you agree to go on one. One of my rules (note I say my rules, I’m not saying it has to be your rule) is to chat for a week via text and speak on the phone at least once before the date. The phone call is partly to make me less nervous and in the case of Horny Harry it made him a bit more relaxed too. It also gave me the opportunity of talking him out of wearing a suit and tie on our first date!

Dick pic dateThe texting “rule” is more about filtering out the guys with I have nothing to talk about with after a couple of days. Again it helps me reduce the anxiousness and I can trust them a little bit more. For me texting is about using my instincts to work out if they’re freaky weird like Dipstick Dan. There’s another reason, you might end up thinking I’m a weird one after this but then if you hadn’t realised that yet then you need to work on your own instincts.

I think that if a guy can’t text for a week on and off (not every hour) then he’s probably not that fussed. Some may think it’s a bit of a controversial plan. But this is a rule for me because I know me quite well and it has worked for me.

However if you’ve been texting for a couple of months and haven’t met then I’d cut your losses. If you haven’t met by then for any really good reason, like they’ve been recovering from malaria, then move on, it’s never going to happen.

Lazy Larry

One guy I texted back and forth with finally asked me out on a date after three months. I’m not sure why the contact had continued for that long, boredom and loneliness were probably factors. Lazy Larry finally asked me out when he found out I wrote erotic fiction and saw a photo of me in sexy fancy dress. Apparently that was the “perfect combination”.

We were due to go on our first date the next weekend. On the day of the date he texted me.

Larry: I don’t think I’m going to be able to make it tonight as I’m really hungover after a crazy night out. I want you to see me at my best and this isn’t it. Can we postpone?

So we did but when that day arrived, four hours before we were due to meet, he texted me again.

Larry: I’ve only just got home from work and I don’t think I can make it on time to meet you.

Lazy Larry lived less than thirty minutes’ drive away. What was going to take him four hours? Had he changed his mind about dating me? I’ve no idea because even though he told me to text him and let him know when I was next free I didn’t bother. I didn’t hear from him again. One excuse I can live with and the work one had been fine if I’d understood why four hours wasn’t long enough to get ready and come to town. But when combined with the hangover excuse I couldn’t muster the excitement to meet him.

What do you like to do on a first date?

Everyone has their own idea for what makes a good first “blind” date. One piece of advice is don’t bother with the cinema. Talking be impossible. And if you get nervous being in enclosed dark rooms then not being able to see more than your date’s knee out of the corner of your eye isn’t going to help. Go for a drink and if it goes well maybe stay for dinner and even a walk.

crazy golf dateI like an activity on a first or second date. For you dirty minded readers I’m not talking sexy time activities. On first dates I’ve played laser quest and crazy golf followed by drinks. It eased tension when we chatted later, led to some laughs and revealed a lot about my date’s competitive nature. And if nothing else came of the date at least we had some fun.

Maybe you lean to something else for a first date, try suggesting it to your potential. It might open up a lot of possibilities.

Please tell me either in the comments section or via my Facebook page or Twitter page about your first dates; the good the bad and the ugly.  For me Lazy Larry was a bad date but next week I tell you about the ugly date. I’ve named him Jimmy Jerkoff. The good is still to come though.

 

L is for League System and System of Three, part 2

The System of Three Explained

In my last post I shared my meeting with Bratwurst Brad and asked you how many potentials do you talk to and what is the optimum amount. Brad had a theory for this, it was the system of three. In this system you should only be chatting to three potentials at one time.

There was a bit more to his theory. If your talking to three people, exactly how do you see them? Do you have them in an order of preference?

Potential 1 – As I like to call them, the champagne

dating systemThis is the one you really like. If they asked you out you’d probably drop everything. It’s likely they’re the potential you think about the most and the one you really want to get a rush on with and date.

Potential 2 – Sparkling Wine

They’re not your favourite but you like them and if they asked you’d go on a date with them, unless Champagne asked first.

Potential 3 – Fizzy Grape Juice

You like them but they’re someone you’re happy to pass the time with. If Champagne suddenly became available then you’d ditch the juice immediately.

Brad shared with me a story about his friend, Hank the Monkey, who found himself at a potential’s house for a date one night. It was a bit last minute but that was okay with him and she looked stunning. It was a sexy but demure dress that covered her curvy figure, the sort of outfit a woman might wear on a special night out. The hair and makeup suggested she was going to the Ritz for dinner not a night in. sexy league dress, systemHer kids were away overnight too. But she hadn’t done all this for Hank. Her Champagne had cancelled so she invited Sparkling Wine round instead, maybe even Grape Juice. Hank didn’t know where he fell in her system of three.

As Brad told me this story and passionately spoke of the system of three I was left with two thoughts:

  • Brad was definitely not my champagne

  • What did I rank as for Brad? Was I his grape juice?

In the end it didn’t matter because nothing came of us and a month later I met champagne, aka Mr Fumble.

Do you believe in leagues?

The system of three was very relevant to my online dating for a while. As is the league system. I genuinely believe that when it comes to dating and attraction some men are above me league wise and some below. Online dating, for me, has sadly been affected by this belief. I say sadly because I have spent too much time thinking about it. I’ve ignored the person behind the label I’ve given them.

A while ago I dated a guy who I arrogantly thought was lower than me in the league system except he wasn’t. This guy was wonderful and it made me realise that too often I may have missed out on one of the good ones because I was too busy making preconceptions.

league, leagues, different, geekyLeagues can be affected by lots of things including looks, body shape, experience (too much or too little), sense of humour, geekiness, sports prowess, boobs, penis size, shyness, if they have kids, age, teeth (some people have major teeth issues), and so much more.

So how do I summarise all of this for online dating and potentials? Ignore the league system and chat to who you like. Take a chance on someone for more than just their profile picture or how they match your tick boxes. You may find your champagne when you least expect it.

Do you believe in leagues or dating theories? Tell me what you think either in the comments section or via my Facebook page or Twitter page.

L is for League System and System of Three

Bratwurst Brad and His League System

dick pic, leaguesEarly on in my dating adventures I met Bratwurst Brad. He was nice enough, although a bit cocky for me, he seemed to strut around like a peacock on parade. On our first date I broke a lot of my “rules”. There are things I make sure I do or don’t do in order to keep safe but on this occasion I failed miserably. Thankfully I was lucky and didn’t get hurt. Our Saturday afternoon date was a one off due to the lack of spark. I doubt I was experienced enough for him and I needed someone who was more open and caring.

I can’t remember details about his family or even his whole name. However, something he shared about leagues lingered in my head significantly longer than he did. Brad shared with me the league system of three.

The idea of this system was that every person online dating should only focus their efforts on three people at a time and no more than these three. That makes sense to me for various reasons.

How many potentials are you chatting to?

Firstly the more prospective dates you talk to at once the more complicated it gets. If you want to see if someone is what you’re looking for and a person you might want to go on a date with then you need to get to know them and give them some of your time. It’s like you’re juggling, sooner or later your balls are going to drop. In the long run you might have lost an important person because you were too busy with lots of people that you’ve forgotten about already.

LeagueCompare it to standing in a bar. Over an hour you talk to fifteen different potentials. You can’t give them each enough time to make an impact or make an impact yourself. You’re barely going to remember their name let alone their hobbies, what they might do for work and what makes them tick. A spark can be instant but good foundations with dating involve getting to know someone properly and giving them time and respect.

Online dating shouldn’t be a competition. Sometimes it might feel like the person you’re speaking to has a collection of potentials lined up like puppies at a rescue home and you’re desperately trying to stand out and be the one they want to keep. You might say dirtier things than you’re comfortable with, send naked photos because you think you need to in order to keep their interest or even pretend to like mountain biking just to be the chosen one. It can be easy to forget the whole reason you started in the first place.

Sit and think why you’re doing it. Go on, do it right now, sit and think. Put your phone down, rub your hipster beard or pink hair meaningfully and let your brain work.

Why did you start the online dating experience?

If you’re dating to find someone to spend time with, maybe have a relationship and long term future with then consider the potentials you’ve been chatting with recently. Why are you chatting to them still? Was it because they made you laugh, you felt a connection or you had things in common?

Or was it because they have ripped abs or a nice pair of tits. Maybe they charmed you with great compliments, made you feel horny or special.

If we’re looking for long term then we should spend time getting to know someone, find out if we have things in common or if we’re compatible. Sex is definitely part of it but it isn’t the only factor.

Sexy online datingUnless you’re looking for casual sex, a fling or a one night stand. In those situations look for a Trousersnake Jake or Blow job Bertha. Just remember why you’re doing it and don’t get drawn into a competition. The other person isn’t worth it if that’s how easy it is to draw them with something shiny.

So why not just talk to one potential at a time rather than two or three?

Partly to keep a couple of options open and not get so fixed on one person being the one that you build them up to be something they’re not. Also because there are weirdos out there and it can take a week of texting to realise it. For me, that was Ginger Tom. At first he was such a flirt, in a good way. Cheeky and funny and enjoyable to chat to but within a week he was spouting politics at me and judging me for any opinion I dared share.

Some people you don’t match with and that’s okay. We don’t have to be compatible with everyone. However, we should give them a chance for so we can find that out before we make the decision.

But for me, when I’ve found someone I really click with they quickly become the only person I want to speak to. Then the hope comes, foolishly wondering if I’m the only person they’re speaking to. It’s at that point my housemate usually tells me to shut up. Online dating is hard work for all involved.

Check back next week to find out more about Bratwurst Brad and his league theory.  if you’ve missed any of the previous posts from my A-Z of Online Dating, click on “Select Category” in the right-hand column and select “A-Z Online Dating.”

Don’t forget to post here or via my Facebook page or Twitter page about your own dating experiences.

G is for…Ghosting

What is ghosting? Have you done it?

Have you seen this word before in the context of dating?

ghostingIf you’ve tried online dating in the last couple of years, even for just a short time, then you’ve probably been victim to it. The act of ghosting has been around for years. But with the rise in popularity of dating apps, messaging strangers before meeting them and the increasing numbers of those who are doing it, including married people, ghosting is all around us.

In August 2015, The Guardian reported on a survey completed by GlobalWeb Index. The survey found that globally approximately a third of dating app Tinder’s users are married. Tinder hit back in a Twitter frenzy with their own data which said that only 1.7% of Tinder users are married. Whichever piece of data, survey or opinion you believe it doesn’t stop the fact that there are all sorts of mysteries to be found via online dating. But how does this relate to ghosting and what is it?

Ghosting is when you’re chatting to someone, maybe even going on dates with them, and suddenly all communication stops. Messages are no longer replied to, future dates and any form of politeness or chemistry is quickly forgotten. The person being ghosted may initially wonder if the other person is okay but after a while the hint is obvious. Something you thought was going well has ended in a cowardly, maybe even cruel, way and you have no idea why. I’ve seen for myself that ghosting can hurt.

Ghosting may have been orchestrated for many reasons:

  • they’ve found someone else they connect with better
  • you said something they didn’t like and instead of explaining they’ve moved on
  • they’ve decided they didn’t have much of a connection with you
  • you were a time filler and they’ve found a different way to spend their time
  • you met and they didn’t fancy you but they don’t know how to tell you
  • they expected you to be more physical or less physical than you were
  • you did something really weird
  • they’ve found someone physically closer
  • an unwanted dick pic was sent
  • they’ve found someone easier
  • they were married all along and they had the online fun they were after
  • the mother ship returned and beamed them home to another planet!

ghostingThe possibilities are endless and that is part of the problem. You’re left wondering but never knowing what has changed. You could be considering the worse, questioning yourself and everything you said and did. Ghosting can consume us and leave us with more baggage than we started with and inevitably our fences go up.

If you started online dating because you were looking for some form of validation or you were desperately looking for a way to raise your confidence, then you need to be prepared for the possibility of getting hurt. A certain level of confidence is required to get through the arseholes that litter the corridors of your dating experiences.

Okay, it’s confession time readers. Feel free to judge me, I’ll take it like a reveller wearing Pikachu fancy dress in town on a Saturday night.

I have ghosted guys.

I could throw myself on your mercy but I don’t have any reasons or even an excuse. All I can say is that I too have had my gutless moments. My lack of experience didn’t help but, ultimately, I can be a massive chicken. I should have treated guys better and now I can say that I’ll never ghost a guy that I’ve been on a date with or given my mobile number to. I also no longer give my number out to just anyone.

I’ll tell you about my own experience of being ghosted in my next post. In the meantime, if you’d like to share your thoughts or experiences then please comment below or visit my Facebook page or Twitter page.

F is for Fences, Barriers and Baggage (continued)

f is for fencesIn my last post, F is for Fences, I shared my own story of coming up against someone with baggage whose way of dealing with it clashed with my own feelings and experiences.

Everyone has varying sizes of baggage and different heights to the fences they have built, as a result. In my online dating history, I’ve come into contact with former alcoholics, divorcees, single dads who have their kids 24/7, those in their thirties still living with their parents, men with body dysmorphia, guys who’ve been cheated on, guys who’ve done the cheating, those who only want to talk about their exes, people with low self-confidence, men in love with their best friends, and guys who adore Star Wars more than their grandmas.

What is baggage to one person isn’t to another and one day we’ll meet someone who’s more important and bigger than our baggage. A potential who over time will help our fences come down by knocking each panel of wood out, and hopefully we’ll do the same for them. It might be something big or an issue that takes a long time to dissipate, but for us they’ll be worth it. And it’s our prerogative what is worth it. Other people’s judgements aren’t relevant.

F is for Fences

I’ll finish the letter F with a story about my experience with Boris Pecker. I met him on one of the more reputable dating sites. Eventually, after a couple of weeks of messaging, we went on a date. Boris met me at the train station, he seemed a bit tipsy but was understandably nervous. Sadly, by the end of the date he was as drunk as nun on communion wine. But the date was still enjoyable…mostly.

To me the expected chemistry had been lacking but I know, from experience, that people get nervous and sometimes things take time. “I’m torn about a second date but I think it’s worth a go to see if I do like him. Sometimes second dates are needed.” Before I got as far as texting, I got a message from Mr Pecker.

Boris: In the interests of being honest I’m going to say that your height threw me a little and was a bit odd for me. But I had a nice time anyway.

FencesWhat I haven’t told you is that I’m on the short side but I’ve always been very honest about this on my profile. Boris was also one of life’s diminutive people. In fact, the first thing I mentioned when I told my friends about the date was that he was the shortest man I’d ever met. Maybe Boris’ height was his own baggage and therefore he couldn’t look beyond other people’s height. Maybe Mr Pecker was looking for the perfect specimen of a woman. I’m more than just a collection of feet and inches and so when Boris mentioned a second date I politely declined.

I want someone to enjoy spending time with me, not tolerate it in spite of my height. I want someone to see me as a whole package.

Be Mindful of Your Own Baggage

If you do have baggage about particular things, then you can save yourself some trouble and read the potential’s profile. If you don’t want kids then you don’t have to date a potential that does. And if you can’t do long distance relationships then make it easy and set your filter to local. In the long term, you’ll save yourself and someone else a lot of unnecessary heartache.

In the next post, I’ll cover Ghosting and the hurt it can cause – often building those fences even higher! Meanwhile, if you’ve missed any of the previous posts from my A-Z of Online Dating, click on “Select Category” in the right-hand column and select “A-Z Online Dating.” If you’d like to share some of your own dating experiences, add a comment below or visit my Facebook page.

F is for Fences…

fencesEveryone comes to dating and relationships with baggage. As I get older I find that people seem to be carrying a massive suitcase of pain and past hurts and experiences. Baggage is rarely just one bag, there’s usually lots of little carry-on bags in tow too. But if we all have our own baggage why does it feel like a struggle at times to find someone with tolerance for our problems?

Baggage can create fences. Fences stop us getting close to someone. It might be that the potential we want to date has their fences up because they’re scared of what might happen. Maybe we remind them of someone who has hurt them in the past or they have issues they’re not ready to deal with.

Fences… Barriers and Baggage

It’s real life story time. So, settle back and get ready to hear about my dates with Dry Humphrey. I should probably warn you that this story doesn’t have a happy ending, which is the sort of ending he was hoping for.

Dry Humphrey was a nice guy, easy to chat to and early-on it became apparent that we saw the world in a similar way. His goal was a relationship that might one day lead to marriage and kids and not just one night of hot, steamy passion. I was looking for the same. I still didn’t want him to get too carried away, after all we had to meet first. What if we came face to face and realised the attraction was as dry as a lesbian at a sausage buffet?

There was no denying that Humphrey was excited and reining him in was an impossible job. Within forty-eight hours of us chatting, he’d cancelled a date with another woman because he already liked me too much. Talk about pressure to bring the goods when we did meet! We decided that until we met we wouldn’t chat to anyone else online. It seemed a bit of a reckless strategy and not something I’d done so early with someone before but I went with it.

My Baggage

My own baggage contains some issues that have developed since using these sites. I can find it difficult to trust when I know I’m not the only one residing in the guy’s little black book. But that’s the nature of online dating and I’ve got used to it. Still, for some reason I trusted Humphrey and it was a refreshing experience.

The day of the first date came. I drove to the pub in my “first date dress” that hints at my figure but doesn’t lay it out on a silver platter. Excitement clenched at my stomach but I desperately tried to push it away. Would this be my “last first date”, or would I be bolting from the pub?

fencesThe biggest surprise of the date was that he brought his dog with him. It was a real dog, not a metaphor for his dick. An unlikely sidekick for a date but it gave a semi-relaxed state to the evening. The date went okay. It wasn’t a bolt of lightning but we chatted for a couple of hours, kissed goodbye and overall I had a slight glimmer from the experience. Feelings grow and just because there isn’t instant inner glow doesn’t mean we shouldn’t consider a second date. So along came the second date. This one was at his house. I’d prepared dinner and together we watched shit television. Again, it was mostly a good evening. We even fooled around a bit.

Getting Past the Fences

Reader, I doubt you won’t be surprised to know that I’m not chaste but I didn’t want to rush into the physical side. I didn’t just want a quick shag against the wall. Based on my own dating experiences, I have some fences up and I didn’t want to regret moving too fast. The kissing and other things were pleasant, but there were also long periods of time where his hands were constantly on the move, trying to find ways of reducing my clothing, trying to push me further than I was willing to go. But he was still generally patient when I said stop. Dry Humphrey was a horndog and eventually gave up when he realised his cock wasn’t welcome in the location he wanted. And so, we chilled out for a bit, continued to get to know each other and made plans for our next date.

Another date at his house began. I guess the signs were obvious that this evening he was aiming for the same desperately needed conclusion. I had a foolproof plan. I was wearing jeans that were like Fort Knox. There was no way he could get them off. I was wrong! You can’t thwart a man with a boner. Male soldiers should go to war like that. Countries would be conquered in mere seconds so that the throbbing squaddies could rush home to their willing partners.

Even the Dog was Unimpressed

The date made me feel like an unyielding piece of meat. I did everything to distract his attention because he only had one aim, and foreplay wasn’t it. Even his dog was unimpressed by his seduction technique. That’s right, his dog was in the room too. Thankfully, I left his house with my dignity and knickers still intact.

Things changed after that. The idea of getting to know each other better became superfluous. He even texted to cancel our date to a restaurant because he was too tired to go out and the next time he saw me at his house he wanted to “go all the way.” My first response was, “What thirty-year-old says that?” My second was, “When did I just become a hole for him to fill?” It appeared my personality and anything else that made me a human were unnecessary. I was a glory hole now.

Strangely, I wasn’t motivated to contact Dry Humphrey so when he didn’t reply to my last text I was relieved. A week later, I got a text. It turned out Humphrey had been in a couple of sexually incompatible relationships and he didn’t want to end up in another. In my aim of getting to know him better, I’d shared information from my own past. Ultimately, he wanted to check we could have “penetrative sex” before we got into anything further so that he could “gauge the scale of the problem”. From what I could see, Humphrey’s baggage ruled his cock and as a result impassable fences were erected.

Fences Built Higher

baggageThings between us ended there and sadly my fences have got a little bit higher, as a result. In another place at another time, when our fences hadn’t been built with others in mind, maybe it would have worked between us. But personally I wanted to see we were compatible in lots of different ways, including sexually. I’ve heard the phrase “try before you buy” but in that experience it felt more like shoplifting. Potentials, just so you’re aware, sex is more than just shoving the penis in for quick satisfaction.

This is a big topic so I’ll talk some more about baggage and the fences we all build in the next blog post. If you’ve missed any of the previous posts from my A-Z of Online Dating, click on “Select Category” in the right-hand column and select “A-Z Online Dating.”

D is for Dick Pics

dick picsThe weirdest thing I found during my foray into online dating was that even the sweet guys send dick pics. One guy I was particularly fond of sent me a picture of his cock with a dickie bow around it because it was nearly my birthday. That’s taking it to a whole new level…to the dizzy heights of a dickie pic! It was a level no one has come close to since. He certainly knew how to stand out as did his very hard “little” friend.

So why do guys send pictures of their cocks to unsuspecting online potentials? I’m pulsating with ideas, they have penetrated my mind and filled my consciousness as they pound me endlessly. But if you throb with excitement too then don’t feel shafted. Make sure you plunder my twitter with your own thoughts.

Why Do Men Persist in Sending Dick Pics?

Here are the ideas I’ve banged out (and please accept my apologies for the puns, I couldn’t resist whacking them out):

  • They’re looking for validation. We all need to feel attractive and wanted at times. For me, that means wearing a stunning dress and being told I look beautiful. Maybe some men get the same glowing feeling by sending a picture of their cock and waiting for the compliments to roll in.
  • The guys want you to see how hard you make them. It could be that they’re surprised at just how quick and rock hard they’ve become and want to share that. One guy used to tell me frequently “I adore you and you make me as hard as hell”. The compliment being that not only did he think I was great but he was also taken aback at how hard it made him to speak to me. The picture could be the guy’s immature way of paying you a compliment.
  • Mr Dick Pic wants you to imagine what sex with him would be like. He’s a visual guy and so this is how he translates his thoughts to you. He’s been thinking about sex with you; he wants to have sex with you. The part of him suggesting that you should have a nice date where he tries to woo you has gone from his head. It may have taken a permanent holiday while he thinks about sex with you.
  • The fella is trying to charm you and make you smile. A joke would probably go down a lot better. Unfortunately, the sensible part of their brain that tells them that one of the most unattractive parts of their body isn’t going to win you over is being drowned in horny-ness.
  • They want a picture in return. This is the most likely reason, in my opinion. Think of it as tit for tat. They’ve shown you their tat so now they want to see some tit. However, I’ve been sent many dick pics and I’ve never sent a tit pic, or a fanny photo. So, to say it’s not a winning strategy is a massive understatement.

Stay Safe (and Anonymous)

In the next blog post, I’ll talk about the ways you can send an intimate picture that will protect your privacy and, hopefully, provide the intended turn-on rather than sending the other person screaming into the night.

Meanwhile, let me know if you’ve ever sent an intimate photo or received a really funny or unusual one. Add your comments below or share it on my Facebook page.

Boredom and Loneliness and Staying Focused on Your Goal

In the last blog post, B is for Boredom, I talked about some of the reasons we join dating sites. Although B is for Boredom, this is really more about staying focused on your goals and remaining honest about them.

If we lose our focus then we run into problems. To explain this I shall tell you about Slick Dick.

Boredom and Loneliness

boredom and lonelinessSlick Dick was a guy I met on one of the paid dating sites. I will discuss later the people we can find on the multitude of sites, including the ones more likely to be frequented by those who are looking for a night of fun or a lifetime of happiness. Guys like Dick weren’t normally found on the paid sites.

He was on the rebound; it was obvious, eventually. Sadly, even the obvious is difficult to see when your eyes are focusing on an attractive face and a heart-stopping smile. The guy was gorgeous. Anyway, I shouldn’t get side-tracked, that was the problem in the first place. I suspect Dick may have been hurt, come out of a long-term relationship and didn’t really know what possibilities were out there. He was a fast learner. Dick was easy to talk to, a bit shy but still good at flirting. He could make you feel as sexy as a woman in a Justin Timberlake song and have I mentioned…hot hot hot! Sadly, he became wise to this pretty quickly. Overnight he went from a relatively innocent charmer who wanted to go on a date, to someone who would mess with your head in a bad way.

From Shy to Slick

Days before we were due to meet I came down with flu. So we rescheduled. Slick was suddenly only free on one day within the next three weeks. And the location would have to be within a short distance from where he lived because his puppy (not a euphemism) couldn’t be left alone. The holiday he had from work was nearly over and I was told several times “my hands are tied”.

The date was scheduled for three days’ time but as it got closer the once shy Slick was becoming very cocky. It turned out that the original plan of a nice meal and maybe walking his dog was not enough anymore. Slick explained to me that I was a sure thing and during this date we would be having sex. I was adamant that was not the case. It shocked him completely, so much so that he must have lost the ability to use his phone. The texts swiftly reduced to nearly non-existent, unless his horn rose up in his pants.

The date never happened. The day slot he could fit me into turned into an afternoon that would involve less time than I would spend driving there and back. Then the afternoon got postponed and two days later I was ghosted (see G is for Ghosting later in this series). I almost did something very stupid for a pretty face. You’d think I would only need to learn that lesson once but sadly not; I forget it approximately every six months.

Stay Focussed

Maybe I should give Slick the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he met someone in the meantime and didn’t know how to tell me.

But I was left wondering, what changed?

Dick initially seemed to be a slightly innocent and sweet guy. I guess he could have been really good at playing games and I was just as good at not seeing them. However, I suspect Slick got a lot more attention than he expected when he started internet dating and began to believe his own hype.

Lots of girls would have been into Dick. I could be wrong but what drew me closer to this thought was when he accidentally sent me the photo of another girl he was talking to instead of the photo he was trying to send. Bless him, he couldn’t think of a lie quick enough to explain who she was. Maybe he was just more Dick than Slick.

LonelinessWe can all get carried away with the attention we get when we first join sites. I’m sure I’ve overlooked potentials because of a pretty face, a seductive comment and the odd kiss ass. I hope Slick Dick eventually found what he was looking for and had an enjoyable time doing it.

Your Reasons are Not Their Reasons

A very wise person once told me that in life we never know what someone else is thinking and that seems especially true when it comes to online dating.

We might be chatting to someone who is trying to bring some excitement into their life while their spouse sleeps soundly in another room. It might be that a potential has been cheated on and they’re searching for desperately needed validation. Or we could be in contact with a scared and lonely virgin who has never had a first kiss let alone a boyfriend or girlfriend.

We will never truly know what’s going on in the head of the person we’re chatting to and what their motives are for joining the dating sites. Only we can decide what we believe and if the situation is worth it.

What are your reasons for online dating? Ever been seduced by a Slick Dick? Let us know on our Facebook page or below in the comments.

I’d Do Anything for Love (But I Won’t Do That)


In the last blog post (Let’s Start at the Very Beginning: A is for…), we were talking about preferences and why I don’t refer to them as fetishes. I mentioned that what turns one person on may be terrifying to another.

One guy told me that he liked to watch his partner have sex with someone else while he wanked himself off. The woman was his “own personal pornstar”. He’d actually acted this preference out with his ex-wife, twice. I was shocked and must have been obvious about it because we didn’t speak much after that.

I’d Do Anything for Love…Maybe?

Depending on who we are and what we’re into, a potential may share a preference that initially freaks us out. But, eventually, after more details are shared, we might start to consider it and not run for the hills while voice dialling the nearest mental health worker.

Let me introduce you to Peter Wang who I dated for a while.

Peter Wang was one of those rare joys that you find in a guy. Games and manipulation weren’t part of his repertoire, and I imagined that he could be a best friend for life. Peter was always there for me. Nights spent apart, he’d ask me to call when I was safely home and he’d phone when he was on his way home too.

But there was a query: was Peter boyfriend material?

Peter Pan Syndrome

Sadly, the answer was a resounding “no”. I struggled with physical and sexual attraction when it came to Peter. Even though we were similar ages he had a concerning level of immaturity. Peter was a loveable geek and I liked that side of him. But there were still things that put me off, including the teen posters still tacked to his wall and the realisation he had more sci-fi toys and merchandise than floor space. Getting to the single bed was quite a struggle. Maybe you’re thinking, “Give the guy a break, living with your parents and dating is hard in your early twenties”. I agree, but this guy was nearly thirty and he lived with friends.

fetishMaybe I’m doing him a disservice, because he really made me laugh and gave me a love and respect that was rare in life. Finally, I felt like a prize that only the best deserved. I felt sexually attractive in a way I’d never felt before. The night we spent just sleeping in bed resulted in him being so permanently hard that he uttered, “Oh my God, if this carries on I think I’m going to need to see a doctor!”

Unfortunately, all he got that night was a giggle.

When you’ve met as many dickheads as I had, Peter seemed special. Sadly it didn’t work out because sometimes it just doesn’t. And I used to wistfully wonder, “Is he still in Neverland refusing to grow up?”

WAM Bam…

WAM sploshingOne of the reasons for the lack of long-term relationship wasn’t his preference. You may have heard of WAM before but, until Peter confessed this fantasy I hadn’t. How people’s minds work and what turns them on left me stunned.

WAM is “wet and messy play.” Before your mind spirals in numerous directions, as mine may have done, stop! We’re not talking urine and faeces in the bedroom. Have you ever watched someone get a custard pie in the face and found yourself getting hard? Maybe the thought of bringing gunge into the bedroom makes you wet with excitement? No? Then you’re not into WAM.

For some it’s the image of gloop running down the face, falling between the breasts. For others, it’s the idea of being covered in a messy, sticky substance that isn’t cum. But then another group of people enjoy the anticipation, the anxiety that goes with the possibility that it might happen, the fear and excitement that accompanies being humiliated in public. Imagine people watching and laughing as you’re gunged with the man or woman of your dreams. That can be a massive preference, one that people aren’t always keen to share.

…Thank You Ma’am

I was never fully sure which aspect of WAM turned Peter on the most. And I didn’t get his preference myself. It wasn’t for me.

With potentials and partners we might be willing to do some things we find unusual. That might include putting all our effort into blow jobs when we don’t enjoy them, sticking something up our arse or dressing up as a superhero, secretary or soldier.

For Peter Wang’s future girlfriend it may mean custard pies and gunge in the shower. I never went there but she might be more willing.

I’ll leave you with this question: how far would you go or how far have you already gone for someone you care about or love?

When Meatloaf said he would “do anything for love but I won’t do that” I wonder if he was talking about WAM or anal?

Tell me how far you’ve gone either here or on the Facebook page. You don’t have to share the gory details – just let us know how far you went out of your comfort zone and if it was worth it.