N is for Not Right

online datingIf you’ve missed any of my stories take a look in the categories section for A-Z Online Dating. Make sure you catch up on  Stallion Stan first here the next post on him is coming soon.

Sometimes the Situation Isn’t Right

The guy/woman isn’t right for you and you’re not right for them. Generally when this decision has been made by either you or the person you’re dating nothing can be done to change it.

If people have told you you’re not right for them, especially if you can’t see the point they’re making then you may be left wondering what the “real” reason for what’s going on is. You may try and change yourself so you can be what they want. I know I did.

But don’t, well, kind of don’t. No one is perfect and there should always be a little willing to reduce the arsehole parts of yourself or compromise and understand that some behaviours and habits are unnecessary when you’ve got an additional focus in your life.

If someone doesn’t want to continue dating you because you’re a bit tubby and they only date skinny potentials then they’re  not right one for you. Maybe they will only go on a third date if you always pay for everything, including the most expensive meals and presents. Yet they have no intention in treating you then stop and ditch! If you’re looking for long term and it’s starting like this then what’s it going to be like in two months or six months’ time? Respect goes both ways.

I Don’t Want to Destroy Someone

My aim when I was looking for a long term someone wasn’t to find any old person irrespective of how they treated me. I didn’t want to crush the soul of another person so we don’t have to be alone on Saturday night. I’m hoping that’s worked out, sometimes my boyfriend’s soul seems a bit crushed though…

Not right too shortThere might be other reasons that we couldn’t change if we wanted to. Between my friends we’ve heard a lot of these reasons; too tall, too short, too stupid, too religious, too easy, not experienced enough or worse no reason at all. We’re left making up our own reasons, which is never good.

Introducing Phil Dew

My story of such idiocy involved Phil Dew. Initially his dating tactics were pretty annoying. He’d message me repeatedly over several hours just to get one reply. It sounds a bit creepy in black and white but I realised early on it was for different reasons. Phil was pretty inexperienced and hadn’t learnt to play it cool. The man was filled with an enthusiasm he was desperate to share. Friends suggested I should ignore him and his weirdness but I couldn’t, there was something endearing about him.

Eventually he coaxed out my well-hidden silly side. It was time, care and support that I’d never experienced before.

Quickly I saw that although we lived ninety miles away with completely different backgrounds and experiences we had a lot in common. We constantly made each other laugh and seemed to have one of those freaky brain connections that meant we understood each other without explanation, even when no one else had a clue. Phil just had to mention a random character from an eighties film and I knew exactly who he was talking about and everything about the movie. We talked to each other all day every day and never ran out of conversation. If it wasn’t a voice message or text it was a random photo that left each other chuckling. We constantly tried to outdo each other in humour, although frequently he won. I’d never met anyone like him.

“The One”?

I’ve never believed in “the one” but for a millisecond I thought maybe true love did exist and I’d found mine. At the very least I’d found a friend for life in each other.

There were still moments where things went wrong. One day Phil texted me a photo of an event he was at. I pointed out the freaky looking woman at the edge of the picture. I thought Phil was joking when he said it was his mum.

He wasn’t.

There were also the nights he drunk called me but had to pause while he vomited in a bush before insisting that I tell him how much I liked him. This was usually followed by him oversharing with how much he fancied me. Even in these and many more awkward moments time spent speaking to him brought me a joy that I’d thought was impossible. I was nervously excited for our first date.

But before the date even happened Phil Dew told me that he couldn’t go through with it even though he liked me a lot. A long distance relationship wasn’t something he could do.

Not right cryingI was devastated

“We haven’t even given ourselves enough of a chance, we haven’t even met. It’s only an hour and a half drive, at the most,” I ranted to my housemate. But to Phil it was like we were on different continents.

I was too upset to speak to him but eventually he won me over.

Phil: I know you must hate me right now, I’m upset too.

Phil: The day isn’t right if I don’t get to hear from you.

So I came up with a new tactic. I thought eventually I could convince Phil he was wrong because he obviously liked me and we got on really well. Surely the distance couldn’t be that much of a problem? And so began one of the most clueless portions of my life.

To be continued…

Please tell me if you’ve been given a crap reason for being ditched and what your reaction was in the comments section or via my Facebook page or Twitter page. And if you want me to answer any questions in my blog please drop me a message.

Make a Date: the Ugly

The Ugly Date

In the last post I told you about my almost date with Lazy Larry. I also shared some of my rules for dating. I promised a story about my ugly first date. Readers, let me tell you about Jimmy Jerkoff.

Jimmy Jerkoff

waiting dates dateI met Jimmy for a first date several years ago. I’d nervously travelled by train for forty minutes before arriving wide-eyed with nerves jangling at a chilly, unknown, train station. I waited for what felt like an age while men crossed my path, sadly none of them were him. As each hope lifted it was quickly dashed. Eventually I saw a face I recognised come round the glassy electric doors.

What did I think as I watched his eyes sweep from my face to my feet and back again? It didn’t really matter because before he even said a word a noise, similar to the one you make when you find your favourite chocolate brownie was taken by the person in the queue in front of you, left his mouth. It’s not the noise you make at the start of the date and especially not when you combine it with a face like a slapped arse. I’m no Miss Universe but I scrub up well when I have to.

The date got worse.

In hindsight I should have jumped back on the train. But maybe our chemistry would be obvious once we started chatting.

It wasn’t.

Instead of walking through town for a drink as per the original plan he took me to the nearest bar that was open, i.e. the one in the hotel down the road from the train station. He wasn’t trying to get lucky. He didn’t see the point in finding anything nicer.

Next came the moment we ordered, normally inconsequential on a date?

Not this time.

The look of confusion mixed with disgust that appeared on his face was a mystery to me until he explained, “I don’t understand why you’re ordering vodka and lemonade. Women are meant to drink wine.” How had I missed that all my life? I must have been sick the day at school when they talked about periods and how women were meant to drink wine!

When I went to buy our second drinks and he inferred I should buy wine I purchased another vodka and lemonade. Pissing the potential off on purpose is never the sign of a good date.

The rest of the date involved him spouting numerous opinions including one on something personal to me. He didn’t realise he’d offended me and I don’t think he would have cared.

Mistakes and dateTo top the evening off he ditched me outside the hotel, in a city strange to me, rather than walk me back to the dark station. It wasn’t far but the people hanging out nearby on my way back were still pretty scary. The best bit of the date was the croissant I bought from a friendly vendor on the way home. If you’re going to be a douche on a date at least check the other person is safe, especially when they made the effort to travel to you.

Okay, sounding bitter, moving on.

Why bother dating?

Dates can leave you frustrated and pissed off but they can also have you brushing your fingertips across your lips with happy recent memories as you grin all the way home.  Have I mentioned Stallion Stan?

Please tell me either in the comments section or via my Facebook page or Twitter page about your first dates; the good the bad and the ugly.  We’ve had the bad but look out for the next blog post when I share the story of one of the best first dates I’ve ever had.

M is for Make a Date: The Bad

The First Date

The first date can be a game changer. I was once asked by a potential if I was ready to go on the last “first date I’d ever go on”. Sadly it wasn’t my last first date, it was just my first and last date with him. At times I’ve longed not to have to go on any first dates again but they’re not all bad.

My Rules

The first decision you need to make is when do you ask or when do you agree to go on one. One of my rules (note I say my rules, I’m not saying it has to be your rule) is to chat for a week via text and speak on the phone at least once before the date. The phone call is partly to make me less nervous and in the case of Horny Harry it made him a bit more relaxed too. It also gave me the opportunity of talking him out of wearing a suit and tie on our first date!

Dick pic dateThe texting “rule” is more about filtering out the guys with I have nothing to talk about with after a couple of days. Again it helps me reduce the anxiousness and I can trust them a little bit more. For me texting is about using my instincts to work out if they’re freaky weird like Dipstick Dan. There’s another reason, you might end up thinking I’m a weird one after this but then if you hadn’t realised that yet then you need to work on your own instincts.

I think that if a guy can’t text for a week on and off (not every hour) then he’s probably not that fussed. Some may think it’s a bit of a controversial plan. But this is a rule for me because I know me quite well and it has worked for me.

However if you’ve been texting for a couple of months and haven’t met then I’d cut your losses. If you haven’t met by then for any really good reason, like they’ve been recovering from malaria, then move on, it’s never going to happen.

Lazy Larry

One guy I texted back and forth with finally asked me out on a date after three months. I’m not sure why the contact had continued for that long, boredom and loneliness were probably factors. Lazy Larry finally asked me out when he found out I wrote erotic fiction and saw a photo of me in sexy fancy dress. Apparently that was the “perfect combination”.

We were due to go on our first date the next weekend. On the day of the date he texted me.

Larry: I don’t think I’m going to be able to make it tonight as I’m really hungover after a crazy night out. I want you to see me at my best and this isn’t it. Can we postpone?

So we did but when that day arrived, four hours before we were due to meet, he texted me again.

Larry: I’ve only just got home from work and I don’t think I can make it on time to meet you.

Lazy Larry lived less than thirty minutes’ drive away. What was going to take him four hours? Had he changed his mind about dating me? I’ve no idea because even though he told me to text him and let him know when I was next free I didn’t bother. I didn’t hear from him again. One excuse I can live with and the work one had been fine if I’d understood why four hours wasn’t long enough to get ready and come to town. But when combined with the hangover excuse I couldn’t muster the excitement to meet him.

What do you like to do on a first date?

Everyone has their own idea for what makes a good first “blind” date. One piece of advice is don’t bother with the cinema. Talking be impossible. And if you get nervous being in enclosed dark rooms then not being able to see more than your date’s knee out of the corner of your eye isn’t going to help. Go for a drink and if it goes well maybe stay for dinner and even a walk.

crazy golf dateI like an activity on a first or second date. For you dirty minded readers I’m not talking sexy time activities. On first dates I’ve played laser quest and crazy golf followed by drinks. It eased tension when we chatted later, led to some laughs and revealed a lot about my date’s competitive nature. And if nothing else came of the date at least we had some fun.

Maybe you lean to something else for a first date, try suggesting it to your potential. It might open up a lot of possibilities.

Please tell me either in the comments section or via my Facebook page or Twitter page about your first dates; the good the bad and the ugly.  For me Lazy Larry was a bad date but next week I tell you about the ugly date. I’ve named him Jimmy Jerkoff. The good is still to come though.

 

K is for Kissing, part 2. Nightmare dating stories

In my previous post I talked about a couple of my awkward first kiss stories. I mentioned a particular first bad date with Dirty Don. For some inexplicable reason we had a second date…

kissIn many ways we recreated our first date; flirting over dinner, smiles, the same connection that we’d had before. And at the end of the second date, I hear you ask? You’re shaking your head aren’t you, you didn’t ask it at all. I’m still telling you. I’d like to be able to say that we had an amazing kiss that tingled all the way through my body and even had my toes dancing. But no, sadly there was no lustful bum grabbing or tongue action. We said goodbye, he went and got cat food and I accidentally got the wrong bus home, remembering how he once told me he’d had sex on a disused bus.

For me, when the most exciting part of the date is having to walk, lost, through a random tall grassed field in date heels then you’ve got to cut your losses. Maybe it was the lack of spark, maybe I wasn’t his type or I wasn’t giving off the right signals but my dates with Dirty Don were done.

I do embarrassing stuff too….

The most embarrassing thing I’ve done, which was when I was still learning to kiss, was try and lick a guy’s face. I say try… Confession time, I did actually lick all the way up the side of his cheek. I had no idea what possessed me other than I thought he might find it a turn on. He didn’t. It was really weird and I never did it again. Oh the shame.

Kissing can lead to some of the most soul crushing moments. Online dating as a whole lends itself to a wealth of those situations where you long for an earth destroying meteor.

“Please let the ground swallow me right now,” has been a phrase whispered in desperate longing around the world on multiple occasions.

For me it was on a first date after I watched the guy put ketchup on his chips. Nothing seemed to be coming out of the bottle for him so I took the bottle from his hands and tried to get some ketchup out for him.

What the hell?

I wasn’t his mum or his carer. Again the shame was nearly too much. Thankfully it became an in-joke between us for several months.

One bad first date

Not all the incidents are my own making. One date with a guy I fondly call Creepy Craig started with him slamming his ex-wife in vehement fashion. But I let it pass, after all, everyone has their baggage. But then it got a little more awkward, he kept trying to bring the conversation onto the topic of spanking. The guy was a like a magician, I don’t know how he was able to bring the conversation back to it every time. As the date continued I realised, for many reasons, he wasn’t the guy for me but then I did something very, very bad. I started checking out other guys in the restaurant and I’m pretty sure he caught me.

bad date selfieEventually the date came to an end. I was so close to freedom that I let my guard down. Bad mistake. I turned, hearing him say something, and found that he had his phone in hand, outstretched and pointed in my direction. It could have been worse, it could have been his cock, but then I realised too late what he’d said.

“Can I take your photo?”

Had I been more confident or not ridiculously polite I would have asked why or even told him to look at my profile but instead in my silence I agreed. It was painfully awkward. It could have made sense if I was a selfie queen but for me it was weird. As you can imagine there was no end of date kiss.

Thankfully I’m not the only one with hideous date stories.

Who Does That?

Winifred told me about her experience. One I’m relieved I never went through. Picture the scene, you’re planning what to wear for your date. It’s a relaxed Sunday lunch in the country, it may involve a little walk but more likely just a dinner in a pub. So what do you pick? Jeans, shoes, maybe a shirt or jumper? Not if you’re the guy who went on a date with Winifred. Ambling down the road in her jeans and a nice top she looked up and saw in front of her a man holding a huge bouquet of flowers, a box of milk tray and wearing a tux. A bloody tux! Who does that for a first date in a country pub for Sunday lunch? This guy did.

tux bad dateBeing the epitome of politeness and feeling a bit sorry for him she continued the date. The amused faces and awkward stares of the other people in the pub didn’t make for a dream moment in her life but she held strong. Dropping him home she wondered if she should share some first date rules. Suddenly it went from a thought to a necessity, although maybe via text when she got home. The dude invited her into his house to meet his kids and the babysitter, who happened to be his ex-wife.

Best worst first date ever?

Teacher Time

It ties for first with this one. My friend Earnest is a teacher. Loves his job and is proud to tell people what he does. Why not? It turns out that some people can get carried away with this knowledge.

kiss, role play, bad dateEarnest turned up on his date at a woman’s house. He didn’t think anything of picking her up on the first date from her home until she opened the door in a school girl outfit. The one saving grace was that she was a grown woman and not underage. But it wasn’t quite what he was hoping for. He’s a horny bastard at the best of times but this wasn’t what he was after, he was looking for romance not a casual shag, at least that’s how he told it to me. So instead of staying for a bit of teacher student role play on his first date he ran as fast as his romantic heart would let him.

So what do we take from this? Kissing can be great, dates can go horribly wrong. If we learn from our mistakes and those of others then hopefully it will be okay and if not it will probably still be funny for someone

I look forward to reading your own kissing stories, either here in the comments sections, or via my Facebook page or Twitter page.

K is for Kissing

I love kissing

I like the need that comes with someone you’re dating. The push of bodies together as you run your tongue on his upper lip or feel your tongues fighting each other because you can’t get a deep enough kiss.

kissing coupleI’m even a little fond of the first kiss with someone new. The nervous feeling you get as you edge closer. The lift of your mouth as you reach to align your lips with theirs. Hands touching parts of each other’s body’s tentatively, trying to work out what things heighten their pleasure.  Learning about each other while pushing at a speed the other finds satisfying, comfortable but still thrilling. The tilt of the head. Sometimes you can feel a smile against your lips or you might even hear the slightest whisper of a moan breathed into your mouth.

First kisses can change everything and give you all that you ever hoped for but they can also ruin every sense of spark and chemistry that was slowly building.

The years before I’d had my first proper full on passionate kiss I was terrified I wouldn’t know what to do. It even made me run away, literally, from some of the attractive guys that were trying to pull me close. Thankfully my first proper kiss was good, very good. I would happily do that again. He led it and made the situation just what I needed. What a memory!

But kisses during my online dates haven’t always gone so well. This includes the first online date I had, in a short pocket of dating where I had no idea what I was doing. I was less experienced than a nervous teenager and way too embarrassed to admit this to him. I got away with not kissing on the first date. The real problem, however, came on the second date when after dinner he wanted to go “for a walk.” My heart was pounding in terror. Did that mean what I thought it did? After all going for a walk around a windy, but still populated enough to be safe, industrial estate wasn’t conducive to talking or romance.

I was petrified!

The whole knocking knees and gathering my courage while looking in the toilet mirror. Before I knew it we were on our walk. It was bloody freezing, the walk, not the kiss. I had a feeling that it wasn’t just kissing that scared me but the thought of kissing him. It was clear to me that I didn’t fancy him and was oblivious to the signs that a guy might display when he goes in for a kiss. I was that inexperienced.

Panic set in as we neared my car. I desperately wanted to get home but I didn’t know how to say this. Fear gripped every muscle of my body as he moved in closer. What was going to happen next? Should I just go with it and just get it over with? Should I move my body away or get in some position that everyone knew about but me? How the hell am I meant to kiss anyway? Will this be my first proper kiss?

Too much was going on in my head, thoughts colliding with each other.

We got to my car and he leaned in closer but not close enough to pin me to my driver’s door. Suddenly an Alsatian in the car next to mine went crazy and I was saved!

I shouted a goodbye, jumped into my car and hightailed it out of there.

couple not kissingUnsurprisingly I called whatever we were doing off after that. I clearly wasn’t ready to date, although that was more from fear than anything else.

I told you I wasn’t perfect.

I’ve had kisses where I’ve had to wipe my face down with the sleeve of my top after. A towel would have been a lot more useful but they’re frowned upon during dates, apparently. There have been kisses where at the end of “the moment” he sucked my nose because, as he admitted later, he didn’t know what to do and got clumsy.

Dirty Don

With Dirty Don, I waited patiently for the first kiss. At the end of the date we ambled back to my car and waited awkwardly in silence. From what Don had said on the date it seemed he liked me but I was beginning to wonder otherwise. I knew he was experienced, he’d told me stories that had proved it but yet there we were, one warm summer night standing alone in the quiet of the car park and neither of us was doing anything.

Sadly I’ve never been very good at ignoring the elephant in the room. Instead of pulling him close and using my mouth in a way that would have been pleasurable for both of us I announced instead, “I have no idea what you’re going to do next.”

I admit that it wasn’t really the way to get the passion flowing but his response then buried the moment for good.

“Hit you,” he joked making a playful punching left hook and taking a swing at me.

kissingI cut my losses and headed home, thinking that maybe he just didn’t fancy me, until he invited me on to a second date…

I’ll tell you what happened in Kissing, part 2.  Until then take a look at my previous  A-Z of Online Dating posts. Click on “Select Category” in the right-hand column and select “A-Z Online Dating.”

I look forward to reading your own kissing stories, either here in the comments sections, or via my Facebook page or Twitter page.

I is for Imperfect

I’m Imperfect and I Make Mistakes

I’ve not just learnt about others through dating, I’ve also learnt about myself. It turns out there’s nothing perfect about me and I make a lot of dating mistakes.

I’ve already confessed I’ve ghosted people and I’ve been online while being in the rebound phase. I’ve also secretly talked to several guys at once and avoided some guys in the hope that they’d get bored and move on. Dare I admit that I’ve even checked out other guys while on a date and sadly been caught out.

I could give you an exhaustive list of all the mistakes I’ve made and things I’ve done wrong, things I would do differently if I could, but instead, I’ll share some stories.

In the early days of online dating, I had no idea what I was doing. I would encourage and welcome the sexual messages early into chatting and I would share way too much information about my own personal experiences. Not only was this completely foolish because I was trusting guys I had no knowledge of, it was also allowing myself to be vulnerable to guys who might be skillful in the art of manipulation. Massive mistakes! Thankfully, I learned quickly, becoming more adept at working out the guys to stay away from and, as a result, I met nicer guys. They still had their baggage but it was nothing compared to some of the earlier weirdos.

Mistakes and datesBefore the nice guys came along I started chatting with Dipstick Den. I still remember sitting on the sofa one evening and glancing over his profile that read “Match with me. What’s the worst that can happen?”

The worse included him being the first and only guy I know of to call me the C-word in anger and really mean it.

Dipstick Den appeared funny and chatty. I didn’t give him my mobile number immediately, something held me back, but the next day he still seemed keen so I threw caution to the wind. There was a lot of texting and soon sex was slammed into the conversation. I was learning about guys and had decided the more sexual the conversation the less likely it was I’d actually meet the man. Those that tended to thrust sex into their messages were looking for a hook-up and presumed I was too. They were frequently adamant that I was a sure thing.

I’m nobody’s sure thing

During my conversations with Den, I decided to explain brazenly that the more we talked about sex the less likely we would be to meet. What followed that statement was a long and detailed conversation on why. I started to open up, telling him about my limited experiences and what I was looking for. I told a man I didn’t know, way too much about myself and, I think he was excited by the prospect of what would happen between us.

The conversations started to go from fun and exciting to concerning relatively quickly. Unsurprisingly, he wanted to go on a first date as soon as possible. One of my personal rules is that I don’t rush into a first date, especially not on the same day that I start properly chatting with someone. I also had things planned, I was applying for new jobs and that weekend I was preparing for an interview. Den wasn’t happy and eventually talked me down from waiting a week before we met to four days.

On the evening of our first day of texting, I had to do some interview prep. I got the following message.

Den: If I find out you’re going out with someone else tonight and not doing prep I’m going to be really angry with you.

ALARM BELLS!

I continued prepping that evening and asked if we could stop the messages for just an hour so I could focus. Eventually, he relented but made it clear he was pissed off. Den must have been checking when I was going on Whatsapp because when a friend messaged me some information helpful for the interview and I checked it I got another message.

Den: I thought you were meant to be doing interview prep

MORE ALARM BELLS!

I ignored the message but later when we chatted different things niggled me. Firstly he wouldn’t tell me much about what he did for a living.

Den: Don’t worry about it, babe. There’s plenty of time to get to know each other later.

Making mistakesHe also didn’t have any friends, preferring to spend all his time alone and playing computer games. Den would regularly ask me for suggestive photos and then get annoyed when I refused to send them, becoming angrier when he couldn’t talk me around to his way of thinking. Clothing became a topic of one conversation. He’d found some unsuitable clothes and shoes that he wanted to buy for me. When I was less than keen he explained, “Every relationship involves compromise”. The more he pushed, the more stubborn I became.

We hadn’t even met!

The whole of the second day of messaging was spent with me trying to work on interview prep and him trying to stop me. Den would question why I was choosing it before him, becoming increasingly annoyed with me and trying different tactics to make me feel guilty. Eventually, his mood became sullen and he wouldn’t give more than one-word answers to my questions. By the end of the second day, I’d stopped hearing from him and made no effort to contact him again. Honestly, I was relieved. I was beginning to realise he was controlling and bad news. A date with him would be a massive mistake and laying myself open to a danger I wasn’t sure I’d be able to avoid.

Although we’d decided the Tuesday would be the day for the date, we hadn’t agreed a time or location. When Monday came and I still hadn’t heard from him I was a bundle of relief and fear. Obviously, he’d moved on and that could only be a good thing. Maybe I was safe. The fear was still there, though. What if he suddenly messaged on the day to arrange the date and didn’t like the answer, “I’ve changed my mind”? I hadn’t got as far as sharing my surname with him but he could find me if he wanted to.

Then the day came and in the early evening, I convinced myself that I must be safe…until I received his text.

Over the course of that evening, I was called some of the most offensive names I’ve ever heard. Den was vile and vicious. Insults from the personal and private things I’d told him were slung my way. When I tried to explain myself he cut me short with a torrent of abuse. He told me, among other things, that he hoped I died with the limited experience I had.

It was a massive learning curve. I knew never to be so open, honest and dismissive of my instincts again. I shouldn’t have given him my number and I shouldn’t have given him personal details. Also, when I knew he wasn’t the right guy for me, I shouldn’t have been gutless. Instead I should have called time on the situation early on.

Thankfully, I got off lightly. Hideous names and insults were nothing compared to what could have happened if we’d met.

In my next post, I’ll share another story about my own imperfections when dating. There will even be a story about a situation I could have handled better. In the meantime, if you’d like to share your thoughts or experiences then please comment below or visit my Facebook page or Twitter page.

H is for Heartbreak

Heartbreak doesn’t give you the warm and fuzzies does it?

With online dating, there will be heartbreak and it doesn’t hurt any less because it started virtually.

Mr Fumble was my first significant heartbreak. The name wasn’t a product of my experience with him. There was nothing fumble-like about his skills. The name arose when I chatted about him to a particular group of friends. I didn’t want to tell them what we really got up to so I said we fumbled and let them decipher the rest. This is the first time on this blog that I’ve relinquished my tell-all policy but with him some of my experiences will be remaining private.

Mr Fumble wasn’t always the easiest guy to message. Getting information and casual chat from him was akin to getting that last drop of ketchup out of a nearly empty bottle. He was reluctant to share too much and shy with the deeper stuff. Many weeks later, I realised why. Mr Fumble had been badly hurt in the past and to say his fences were up and high would be a massive understatement. The guy was damaged and wasn’t letting anyone in. The messages usually involved me asking questions about his day and what his work involved. The answers were short, surface stuff but he continued to answer, encouraging me to ask and revealing a little each day.

sexting heartbreakThe evening that the messages neared dirty, flirting territory I was so taken aback I thought I was reading them wrong. When he talked about the gooey centres of the cookies I was baking, the moistness of my brownies and how firm my muffins were, it was fiercely against character and anything we’d discussed previously. I genuinely thought he was a massive fan of baking. Eventually the sexual tease behind his words were revealed and flirting continued in earnest.

One evening, I passed on my number but he was reticent to use it, blaming phone signal and a crap phone.

Maybe as you read this a thought has arisen, “Come on Rebecca, there’s clearly something fishy about this guy.” I suspected the same, there seemed to be something crucial about him I didn’t know and couldn’t work out. I hope even now that he wasn’t married or a compulsive liar because I can’t be sure.

One of the problems with internet dating is that there are some things we may never know about the potentials we like. These things may be as significant as their real surname or past/current relationships.

When online dating, we have to trust our instincts and the advice of our wiser friends. We also need to remember to NEVER send money. There are some untrustworthy people out there and if something seems off then it probably is. If someone we’ve never met is declaring their love for us while asking for us to send money then we move on. I know, from experience that when our hearts get that fluttering, glowing feeling and excitement seems to be a daily thrill that we thought we’d never feel again then our judgement can be as useful as a chocolate condom. But having a clear head is a sad necessity.

Players and scoundrels don’t just frequent the online dating scene. I’ve also met some male and female villains in real life too. People who seem less than genuine are everywhere. Maybe you can think of those you know in your work or social circles who’ve cheated on their partners and have secret addictions to gambling, drugs and illicit encounters. It can take years for you to learn these secrets. Just because you meet someone online doesn’t mean you have to be ruthlessly suspicious of them but trusting your instincts is important.

hot guy heartbreakLet’s get back to Mr Fumble. Eventually, he did use my number and we began to text every day; during the day and a lot during the evenings. It wasn’t long before he was the last person I said goodnight to before my head hit the pillow and the first person I hoped for a message from when I woke. He almost always delivered. Messages included anything from cheeky thoughts to our deepest issues and life experiences.

The day he broached the idea of speaking on the phone I freaked out. I was too terrified and adamantly declined. The phone isn’t my ally at the best of times. I’m the kind of person who accidentally says “Kind Regards” at the end of an answer machine message then calls again to apologise for being an arse. But things changed. The decision to speak on the phone needed to be mine. After some days of consideration and no pressure from Mr Fumble we finally spoke. Hearing his voice gave me a smile that rose from my stomach up, eclipsing my entire body with a glow that had no chance of leaving. It was everything I’d been scared of hoping for. Within a couple of hours I was as happy as a teenage boy at a porn star convention.

A meeting after that was inevitable. In his typical closed way, he dropped some hints and in my excitement I welcomed them with open arms.

The day of our meeting started as a normal day for me until I got a text asking if I was still free because he could be there in two and a half hours.

Me: Yeah, sure. That would be great. See you soon.

AAAGGGGHHHH!!!!

I did the usual; shower, shave, moisturise, try on about forty different outfits, perfect make-up, sweat all the make-up off with stress and then attempt to apply it again. I was so nervous I thought I might vomit before he arrived. A massive ball of stress that resided in my intestines was growing at alarming rate. God forbid I’d have to speak to him!

The moment the doorbell rang I swept open the door and saw the coolest, dark haired epitome of sexiness standing in front of me.

Excitement exploded.

I was disarmed too. A date with Mr Fumble was something I should have prepared myself for mentally as well as physically.

kissing heartbreakAfter getting this far into the post you may have an image of me in your head. There may be some pre-conceptions about my personality and my behaviour. I shall leave you to them, I’m not keen to find them out. But my date with Mr Fumble will remain between me and him and the couple of people we may have told since.

All I shall let you know is that Mr Fumble arrived at midday on one day and left at midday the next. Over the course of that 24hour period, we had coffee, chatted, laughed, went for a walk, had dinner, chatted some more and spent the rest of the time…fumbling.

For those twenty-four hours, I was beaming with joy. I felt like I was at the start of something special.

But twenty minutes before he left I watched his fences go up. The Mr Fumble I’d spent the last day with disappeared and was replaced with a closed off, unrecognisable man. Walking out my house he politely said goodbye and promised to text when he got home. Just like that he was gone.

You may think I was the most gullible, naive idiot that ever walked the earth. I have thought that often enough myself. You may be certain that the contact was over, while secretly hoping for a happy ending. But H is for Heartbreak after all…

Locking the front door with a shaky hand and a heavy heart I thought I would never hear from him again. Mr Fumble was out of my life and would never be a part of it. I was wrong, to some extent. The messages flooded my phone as soon as he got home. We texted non-stop for the next two days.

Sadly, over the next five months his texts got more sporadic but never stopped until I told him to leave me alone. I was struggling to move on and he clearly didn’t want a relationship. On occasion, for about a year after, I continued to hear from him, until I decided to block him for a couple of weeks. I have no idea why he stayed in contact. It could have been a keenness for more fumbling or because he was bored. Whatever the true reason I never learnt it because I wouldn’t agree to see him again.

However much he annoyed and upset me, I will always have a fondness for Mr Fumble. In his defence, he never promised anything he wasn’t willing to give. Everything he gave me was incredible and life-changing. If I could do our initial texting, call and meet-up again, and I was still single, would I? Possibly. Being full of regrets is a fruitless experience.

I shed a lot of tears over him when he started distancing himself and then several more over the next months. Maybe my instincts and lack of experience did betray me. I guess only Mr Fumble knows the answer to that.

There has been heartbreak and many tears shed since him.

Friends wondered in the past, “How can you stay hopeful that you’ll find what you’re looking for?”

After my heart was broken my hope seemed to die for a while too. I have been left wondering what’s the point, how can I find what I’m looking for? Is there something wrong with me? After heartbreak, I used to stop dating and reassess because I don’t do rebound dating. But that’s a personal choice I made. I was told once, by a colleague, that rebound is the best time to date. I’ve seen people get hurt when we date on the rebound. It may give us validation and help us move on in the short term but it usually comes back to bite us on the arse.

After Mr Fumble made it clear that a relationship wasn’t going to happen I went straight back online. As a result I made some reckless and nearly dangerous decisions.

People jump back on to the apps and sites for many reasons, sometimes because it’s a simple need to get their end away. Sexual need is difficult to ignore especially when you’ve been getting it regularly. But if you just want to get your end away then be honest about it. Don’t deceive people into thinking you’re looking for more.

When I started writing this a while back my hope took a beating. It was inevitable after recalling and revisiting these experiences but then I met up with some friends who had met through online dating. They told me of their experience. There were familiar situations, for example one didn’t reply initially and distance caused a couple of issues. But a relationship slowly developed over chatting, meeting up and dating.

So, when I asked them, “How can I still have hope when I have heartbreak inside me?” I was told that you have to prepare for heartbreak when you date but then sometimes you get lucky and it does work out. At this point, they gave each other such a grin of nauseating joy that had I not been sticking my fingers down my throat I would have got caught up in it. It was a smile that only genuine, caring love lives in and was the display of encouragement I needed.

Fight for meSo, heartbreak does happen and it can temporarily destroy us. But H is for Hope too because online dating does work out, people keep trying and they enjoy themselves in the process. And one positive from Mr Fumble is that it gave me my love of men in military uniform, which helped inspire my erotic romance short story Fight For Me, which is available to download.

I’d love to know how you’ve dealt with heartbreak in dating. You can share your thoughts or experiences by commenting below or visiting my Facebook page.

E is for Everyone Knows Someone Who…

Any time I’ve spoken with groups of mainly female friends I hear the same stories. At first there might be some encouraging words or curiosity about the guy I’m chatting to. But eventually I hear: “I know a couple who met online and now they’re married.”

Online dating works…

online dating worksPeople do fall in love with potentials they meet online and some even get married. It’s the selling point for many online dating sites. For example, each say something along the lines of:

  • they have more marriages than the other sites
  • they have more enduring marriages
  • they have more meaningful matches
  • they have more relationships than other sites.

Even the sites that seem to be based around hook-ups appear to have had people meet and marry. I read last year about an Olympic gold medallist meeting her soldier husband on a site that is renowned for its casual dates.

You Have to Take the Bad…

As I said, everyone knows someone and these happy marital endings do exist. But they’re not the only experiences people have. I suspect that for every marriage there is also someone who has seen a dick pic they didn’t want, chatted to a shithead or psycho, been on a date with a weirdo or had a second date they sincerely regret. However, these experiences aren’t only reserved for online dating. There are freaks and weirdos all over the place.

I recall a guy from university at our summer ball. I was sitting in the corner of the hall, looking bedraggled and exhausted, and he obviously thought that I would be easy pickings. The dude had misread the situation and so, when he invited me outside for some “fresh air,” he got a knock back he probably wasn’t expecting. Unfortunately for him, I wasn’t drunk but completely sober and suffering with a throat infection. I can safely say that no amount of alcohol would have been enough for me to spend time alone with him. Not only did he have a worrying resemblance to a rat both in looks and personality, he had a reputation for being a complete prick and doing whatever it took to get laid. The rat is probably torturing women via online dating sites as we speak.

…With the Good

But, in case you were looking for a bit more hope from this chapter, then I can tell you that I know of at least eight couples who met through online dating, all long term and most of them now married. The sites they met on were as varied as their personalities and they were well suited to each other.

One couple’s story brings a smile to my face rather than a harassed eye roll. We’ll call them Summer Breeze and Hugh Lovin. Summer was a slightly older lady who had been cajoled by friends into trying online dating. Her husband had died when she was younger and although dating, especially online, terrified her she eventually built up the courage to log on. The massive glass of wine she downed beforehand helped too.

Hugh, a guy who’d split up with his wife years earlier, was the first person that Summer spoke to. Almost immediately they were enamoured with each other. They had loads in common, even their “baggage”, and what started as two people casually chatting on opposite sides of the country quickly became emails back and forth sent throughout the evening. The next step was a phone call, which quickly turned into three-hour phone calls every night. This was leading up to the inevitable first meeting. After all, they couldn’t spend all their evenings chatting, they had to go into the big wide world sometimes too. Did they dare meet or were they going to run scared at the possibility of finally seeing each other face to face?

They did meet.

The day of the meeting finally arrived. Summer stood nervously on the train station platform, fingers trembling and her heart beating erratically. Watching Hugh stumble off the train she realised two things; her first date in an age, the man she’d been chatting to and silently pinned her hopes on, was nervous and he was tipsy. Would she walk away despondent that he’d arrived a little sozzled before lunchtime and potentially ruined their first meeting? No, it gave her the perfect opportunity to suggest heading to the nearest pub so she could relax her own quivering nerves.

everyone knowsFrom that day, they knew they’d found someone special. But what next? One of them had to move and the deliberation was difficult and tearful. But, one of them did, and two years later they had a beautiful wedding in the highlands of Scotland. I was lucky enough to meet Summer, hear her story and share my own online dating woes. She’s a fantastic listener. I can say for sure that there’s hope out there. I’ve met Summer and I’ve seen it exists. There are many more who have stories like hers.

Sometimes the crap may just be worth it.

Of course, not everyone is looking for marriage, some just want a bit of fun. I can think of lots of people who’ve found that via online dating. It’s out there and easy to find.

If, however, you’re interested in the long term then remember that’s your focus when you’re getting giddy from the interest you’re receiving. It’s easy to become like Slick Dick and believe your own hype. If you’re looking for the long term then your aim is to find the right potential for you. This may not mean the one who is best at charming you, flirting with you or only talks about sex.

A potential with the body of Taylor Swift or Chris Hemsworth is great but if there’s nothing more behind the picture or they never seem to want to go on a date then what’s the point? If you’re looking for someone you can share the best and worst of yourself with then the guy with the biggest cock or the woman with the banging boobs may seem like an exciting prospect. But they’re only worth your time and effort if they have a personality you like too.

Don’t Give Up

And the next time someone drones on about that wedding of two people who met online, take a moment to wonder to yourself, like I do: “Would I marry them?” It’s probably a “no.” So, let’s not waste time wishing you were in their shoes; instead hope the right person for you is just around the corner and that it’s someone you can be your real self with.

Insecurities and Taking the Lead, First Date

Sometimes when we’ve been doing this online dating malarkey for a while we can forget that we’re not the only insecure person
doing it.

I have my confident moments but there are also times when I wonder why a guy hasn’t returned my message, why the date we’ve talked about hasn’t been put in the diary or if the man has found someone “better”. We all have our low moments and dating can eat at our confidence, plaguing these insecure times before sending us spiralling, questioning every aspect of ourselves. There are players, idiots and damaged people out there; male and female, but they’re not the only people on online dating sites.

Online Dating insecurities

Dano insecuritiesThis brings me to my date last weekend. A first date. I’m going to call him Fuck ‘Em Dano or Dano for short. Not because he was a guy who fucked around but because he looked like Paul Dano, the actor from War and Peace and There Will Be Blood.

Dano was nervous. Initially he hid it well, so well I was thinking that something was wrong with the date or maybe he wasn’t interested in me. However, as the date continued I realised that the uncomfortable silences were because he felt awkward and didn’t know what to say. It was like a dance and he couldn’t hear the rhythm of the music let alone have the skills to take the lead. Dano just didn’t know what to say and so he said some unusual things for a first date. These included, “Am I really weird?” “I know this sounds stupid but…” “I’ve made this awkward…”

It became one of those dates where I was the confident one and had to offer many reassurances. But I found a way to bring him free from his nerves. I made, yes made, him ask me questions, any questions he liked and I promised to answer. For some reason it worked like a charm.

Dano even shyly told me that the noises we’d heard earlier, while eating, were the urinals. Sheepishly explaining that the position of them meant that he’d had to wee near where my head would have been. Then he blushed.

The guy was adorable and his respect of me endearing. Also, he made me laugh. I can’t abide dates where I don’t laugh, I am a chuckler even in the most unlikely situations. I’m talking funerals.

But there were two problems from my date:

Flirting tango1) I don’t think he knows how to flirt or if he does then he doesn’t seem to understand when I’m doing it. I can be cheeky and naughty on good dates but he never took my lead. None of the questions he asked me were naughty. I did explain to him that I wrote romance books with sex in them but there wasn’t any response to that. It was unusual for me to have a man in front of me that doesn’t join in my naughtiness but I’m hoping I can draw him in that direction. It’s as if we were doing an awkward tango but I’m the lead dancer.

2) There was no spark and very little chemistry. Dano suggested he was on his best behaviour for our date, which might have explained some of the lack of chemistry. But during our time together I wasn’t hoping I would get that first kiss or wondering what an accidental touch of his hand to any part of my body would feel like.

I write erotic romance and while I don’t believe that a real life book boyfriend is suddenly going to appear when I first meet a guy I have had those dates where the attraction and chemistry have filled my mind and formed my fantasies.

So what now?

I am going on a second date with Dano. He asked almost immediately and I’m hoping he’ll have less nerves, which will make for more fun and relaxed chatter. But I’m not holding out too many hopes either. Dano, my toyboy by five years, is a nice guy and I want to like him. I want to fancy him but I can’t force something that isn’t there.

Have you ever been in this situation yourself?

What would you do?