The guy I REALLY liked – The Stallion

Stallion Stan, part 2

Do you remember Stallion Stan? I talked about him in the good, the bad and the ugly series of blog posts. He was The Good, the first date game changer, and you can read about him here.

We had a very interesting first date with laughing, chatting, flirting, fumbling and lots of kissing. And similar dates followed. Spending time with him made me happy in a way I’d never expected. After a series of dating dickheads I thought this might be a significant one.

first date dates stallionWith him I was no longer needing to hide “the bounce”. The sort of bounce that you can’t resist doing because you want to burst with happiness! There wasn’t any point hiding it because most of the time he was grinning so hard I thought he might explode. When he arrived at my house he had a grin so wide I could see it through the frosted glass of the front door window!

Dates would consist of long walks while we shared the stories from our lives and the baggage from our pasts. He’d even manage to give me swift kisses and grab my bum in public too, something that’s a massive plus for me. I was giddy and overdosing on all the endorphins inside me.

kissing

But on one of our dates things suddenly started moving a lot quicker than I anticipated. While he was vaguely respectful when I slowed him down he wasn’t as sweet and thoughtful as I’d remembered. Then one afternoon we were in my room, kissing and making out when suddenly he wasn’t trying to fool around anymore. He was taking it to a level we hadn’t discussed. Not just that but he was doing it without a condom.

I wasn’t ready for sex and I freaked out, jumping away, at which point he freaked out at my reaction and then to make the situation even more awkward my friend phoned me and kept ringing the doorbell. We never chatted through what happened. We should have…

Because that twenty minutes changed everything with “Stallion Stan” and although he suggested everything was okay he’d changed. Suddenly he was getting a lot of stress migraines, wasn’t in contact as much and as a result I got stressed things were over. We agreed to meet up again and we did but Stallion Stan wasn’t the same guy.

This time he arrived at the front door without a smile. He coldly handed me my hat, which I’d left in his car, and “joked” that he could now go home. That day he’d make these comments that left me unsure if he was displaying his true side, which wasn’t sweet and lovely anymore, or if he was faking bastard personality characteristics to put me off. Yet throughout this he continued to talk about his future, one that always had me in it.

As he left he said “I’ll probably see you again next weekend” But he didn’t.

b is for boredom ghostedBy the middle of the week he’d stopped texting and I could see he was back on the dating site. I was being ghosted and he was moving on. I didn’t know what to do. Was it time to try game playing?

After three days of complete phone silence I built up the courage to ask what was going on. He put it on me and made out he thought I’d got bored with him. Halfway through our conversation and discussing whether we should give it another go he just stopped replying.

I never heard from him again.

My time with Stan left me hurt, confused and feeling like there was something wrong with me. The happiness I’d had when we kissed was ripped away from me. I was broken. It made me a lot less trusting in dating, always waiting for something to go wrong, scared by any changes in behaviour.

I came off online dating for many months after that. There may have been plenty more fish in the sea but as I couldn’t rely on my instincts or my personality I wasn’t sure I’d ever trust another one again.

Ghosted?

Have you been ghosted by a Stallion Stan?  Tell me about your ghosting experiences and remember, there are all sorts of arseholes out there but they’re not the only daters out there. Feel free to add to my comments section or add to my Facebook page or Twitter page. And if you want me to answer any questions in my blog please drop me a message.

Make a Date: the Good

Good Date?

In my last couple of posts I’ve talked about some bad date experiences but this one is different. Strap yourself in, it’s time you heard about Stallion Stan.

Stallion Stan

Stan was one of those guys where everything started off well. We chatted for a couple of day’s online then swapped numbers and continued our conversations via text. We spoke on the phone before we met, it was like talking with a friend instead of an awkward chat with a guy I’d never met. Stan had me in giggles and effortless smiles. The perfect version of funny and ridiculously cute, which happens to be my type.

flirt dateWhen the conversations got too sexual he’d rein them in but in an inquisitive and controlled way. He wanted to talk about fantasies and preferences but was also looking for something more long term than a bit of sexting fun.

We shared a lot of baggage before we met, which did a lot for bringing those fences down. Stan had some massive baggage, he was a former alcoholic, still living with his parents, his ex-girlfriend had cheated on him and he was struggling work wise due to his past. But he was nearing the career he’d been working towards. I was grateful for his honesty.

And I liked him.

We were both nervous before we met, wondering if when we stood in front of each other we’d find each other physically attractive. We’d got on really well so far.

Surely something had to go wrong?

The Day had Arrived

Finally the day of the date came. We were going to meet for lunch and see what would happen from there. Stan was adamant we’d spend all afternoon together, I was a little more reluctant, not making any promises in case I couldn’t keep them.

Nervous smiles were obvious when we first came face to face. My butterflies were already zipping around my belly. His third question was “What do you think about me?” Apparently he didn’t always get brilliant reactions. I couldn’t understand why. He was gorgeous. He reminded me of Chris Stark from the Scott Mills Show.

first date datesOur lunch was full of laughs and flirty, teasing smiles. Stan questioned if he had any competition for me and I couldn’t help but blush in response, no one had ever wanted to compete for me before.!

It turned out his prediction had been right about the date. After lunch we went for a semi-romantic stroll in the cold winter air, ending at a secluded stone line bandstand on the edge of a park.

That was the day I learnt I could happily kiss him for hours. Legs went numb, bottoms became as hard as the cold stone we sat on but the heat between us blazed.

It was the sort of kissing that erotic romances are based on.

Hands readily touched wherever they could get and on the whole they kept to the decent places. It was pretty cold for stripping in public which was probably for the best because we couldn’t get enough of each other. first date good dateOccasionally someone would walk near to our hiding spot and we’d break apart like horny teenagers caught making out behind the bike sheds. The afternoon we spent together in the park was filled with giggles, chatting, sweet yet lust filled kisses and stolen intimate touches.

It was a special date, a first date that made all the crap ones fade into insignificance.

Eventually we said our reluctant goodbyes. The date could have gone on for hours more. But I knew every kiss was giving me heady sensations and I might have problems being responsible for my actions.

I drove home joyous, touching my lips with my fingertips filled with fond memories and wondering what would happen next.

So..?

You’ll have to wonder what happened next, for now. As I said in a previous post first dates can become a game changer, making it hard to pick up your slovenly broken bodies and hearts and fake a smile every time you face a new one. But the good ones, the dates that leave you grinning as you try to sleep, make all the shit worthwhile and bring happiness and hope.

So don’t give up just yet. After all, as I was once told, you could be about to go on your “last first date”.

Please tell me your good, bad and ugly first date stories either in the comments section or via my Facebook page or Twitter page. And if you want me to answer any questions in my blog please drop me a message.

J is for Jumble of thoughts… settling and chemistry

Settling, Friends with Benefits and Chemistry

There can be different thoughts ratting around our brains when we’re dating.

Am I settling?

lonely settling chemistryHave you ever worried that you’re dating someone because you don’t want to be alone at weekends? If you settle, i.e. date long term someone you know isn’t what you want then you’re missing out on much more. In this odd world there could be a person that would be near perfect for you. Someone that could bring out the best in you, that you hold hands with in good and bad times. While you’re settling with someone you know isn’t right for you they could be waiting and refusing to settle.

However, giving a potential who doesn’t match your tick list a go is something you could try. Accidentally you might find the potential you’re sexually attracted to, the one that brings that unmistakable glow . That isn’t settling that is picking wisely. There may be a potential who can’t kiss properly, who has some weird habits or their parents drive you mad. Dating that person isn’t settling. No one is perfect, I’m certainly not and you probably know realistically of your own imperfections but somewhere out there is your albatross, so keep looking and don’t give up.

Albatross?

Lots of birds are partners for life and one of these is an albatross. They may not be as cute as a rabbit but no matter how far and wide they travel they’ll always return to their partner, they always come home. Albatrosses have amusing meeting dances to attract a partner, lots of weaving and bobbing, shrieks and whistles and smacking of beaks.albatross romance But once this dance is done they find their partner and the “relationship” that develops and the connection that firms up over several years lasts a lifetime no matter what.

 

A friend, Muriel, tried internet dating, and found Willy Wanka. Willy was someone she loved spending time with but he didn’t reflect the sort of guy she’d expected to end up with. They decided to be friends and see each other socially but that didn’t work either because he couldn’t be friends with someone he had that depth of feeling for, he couldn’t be friends with his albatross. The story could have ended there but this is a story with a happy ending because without him in her life Muriel was lost. Willy may not have originally been the perfect guy she set out to find but that’s the joy of online dating, sometimes you find what you need and not a human tick box. Muriel and Willy got back together and are now happily married with their baby.

So what am I saying here? Don’t settle and take anyone. BUT when you meet your albatross don’t ignore them because they’re not ticking all the boxes you’d prepared.

Unfortunately dating isn’t a maths problem with one answer at the end of a simple equation. It’s people’s lives, hormones, brains and fears. Life is complicated and anyone can get hurt even the person you least expect. Deciding whether to take a risk can feel like jumping into the obis, whether you’re deciding if you should do the fuck buddy thing or attempting to start a long term relationship.

Fuck Buddies

One of the things that comes up with online dating is the fuck buddy (FB) or friends with benefits option.  In my days of online dating I’ve been offered numerous opportunities to have a fuck buddy. I tried a watered down version once and found it didn’t work for me. I’m incapable of having emotional distance from sex. See I’d Do Anything for Love.

Fuck buddies works for some. If you’re going to do it make sure it’s not at the risk of other possible relationships. It’s not like Hollywood movies where everything ends happily for both parties.

Do-em Doris was a woman I went to university with, she was the siren that all the guys wanted. Men in nearby halls would ogle her from their windows. Doris had it all; freakishly intelligent, motivated, confident, not afraid of anything and top it off she looked like a blonde Lara Croft. Men flocked to her and she’d enjoy the pleasure of the hot ones company, sometimes more than one at a time. Then, unexpectedly, Doris fell in love with her best friend and fuck buddy, Walter, the European Adonis. Unfortunately he didn’t fancy her like that, in fact he liked someone else. Suddenly Doris was closed off to any guy who came in her vicinity.

Note: To a guy whose profile on online dating said he was looking for a relationship but currently had a fuck buddy, if you’re trying to convince ladies you’re good in bed and in demand then find any other way to do it. I don’t care that you said she’d be happy for the arrangement to come to an end if you found someone. If you want a relationship then leave your fuck buddy out of your dating profile.

Chemistry, what is it?

romance chemistry settlingChemistry isn’t always instant. I think back to the potentials I’ve ended up liking enough to feel a flutter in my stomach at just the beep of my phone. I can say almost 100% that with each of them intense chemistry wasn’t instant. Some things take time. With chemistry we want to chat with the other person, spend time together, find out more about them AND do the physical stuff too.

In my opinion if after time the chemistry doesn’t grow then the relationship isn’t worth pursuing. BUT you have to make the decision for yourself. I’ve had several dates where there was no chemistry, including the first couple of dates with my boyfriend.

Is chemistry different to a spark?

I think they’re different. You can have chemistry with friends but you’d never take it further because that something more isn’t there. A spark can be purely physical but a good spark is cloaked in chemistry and that means something amazing could happen. But sometimes we feel what we want to feel.

So when should we make that jump and when should we settle? Sadly I can’t see your future or even my own. But just this once I shall shake my Magic 8 ball for you.

And it says…

“Cannot predict now”

Ah, shit.

In the meantime, if you’d like to share your thoughts or experiences then please comment below or visit my Facebook page or Twitter page.

H is for Heartbreak

Heartbreak doesn’t give you the warm and fuzzies does it?

With online dating, there will be heartbreak and it doesn’t hurt any less because it started virtually.

Mr Fumble was my first significant heartbreak. The name wasn’t a product of my experience with him. There was nothing fumble-like about his skills. The name arose when I chatted about him to a particular group of friends. I didn’t want to tell them what we really got up to so I said we fumbled and let them decipher the rest. This is the first time on this blog that I’ve relinquished my tell-all policy but with him some of my experiences will be remaining private.

Mr Fumble wasn’t always the easiest guy to message. Getting information and casual chat from him was akin to getting that last drop of ketchup out of a nearly empty bottle. He was reluctant to share too much and shy with the deeper stuff. Many weeks later, I realised why. Mr Fumble had been badly hurt in the past and to say his fences were up and high would be a massive understatement. The guy was damaged and wasn’t letting anyone in. The messages usually involved me asking questions about his day and what his work involved. The answers were short, surface stuff but he continued to answer, encouraging me to ask and revealing a little each day.

sexting heartbreakThe evening that the messages neared dirty, flirting territory I was so taken aback I thought I was reading them wrong. When he talked about the gooey centres of the cookies I was baking, the moistness of my brownies and how firm my muffins were, it was fiercely against character and anything we’d discussed previously. I genuinely thought he was a massive fan of baking. Eventually the sexual tease behind his words were revealed and flirting continued in earnest.

One evening, I passed on my number but he was reticent to use it, blaming phone signal and a crap phone.

Maybe as you read this a thought has arisen, “Come on Rebecca, there’s clearly something fishy about this guy.” I suspected the same, there seemed to be something crucial about him I didn’t know and couldn’t work out. I hope even now that he wasn’t married or a compulsive liar because I can’t be sure.

One of the problems with internet dating is that there are some things we may never know about the potentials we like. These things may be as significant as their real surname or past/current relationships.

When online dating, we have to trust our instincts and the advice of our wiser friends. We also need to remember to NEVER send money. There are some untrustworthy people out there and if something seems off then it probably is. If someone we’ve never met is declaring their love for us while asking for us to send money then we move on. I know, from experience that when our hearts get that fluttering, glowing feeling and excitement seems to be a daily thrill that we thought we’d never feel again then our judgement can be as useful as a chocolate condom. But having a clear head is a sad necessity.

Players and scoundrels don’t just frequent the online dating scene. I’ve also met some male and female villains in real life too. People who seem less than genuine are everywhere. Maybe you can think of those you know in your work or social circles who’ve cheated on their partners and have secret addictions to gambling, drugs and illicit encounters. It can take years for you to learn these secrets. Just because you meet someone online doesn’t mean you have to be ruthlessly suspicious of them but trusting your instincts is important.

hot guy heartbreakLet’s get back to Mr Fumble. Eventually, he did use my number and we began to text every day; during the day and a lot during the evenings. It wasn’t long before he was the last person I said goodnight to before my head hit the pillow and the first person I hoped for a message from when I woke. He almost always delivered. Messages included anything from cheeky thoughts to our deepest issues and life experiences.

The day he broached the idea of speaking on the phone I freaked out. I was too terrified and adamantly declined. The phone isn’t my ally at the best of times. I’m the kind of person who accidentally says “Kind Regards” at the end of an answer machine message then calls again to apologise for being an arse. But things changed. The decision to speak on the phone needed to be mine. After some days of consideration and no pressure from Mr Fumble we finally spoke. Hearing his voice gave me a smile that rose from my stomach up, eclipsing my entire body with a glow that had no chance of leaving. It was everything I’d been scared of hoping for. Within a couple of hours I was as happy as a teenage boy at a porn star convention.

A meeting after that was inevitable. In his typical closed way, he dropped some hints and in my excitement I welcomed them with open arms.

The day of our meeting started as a normal day for me until I got a text asking if I was still free because he could be there in two and a half hours.

Me: Yeah, sure. That would be great. See you soon.

AAAGGGGHHHH!!!!

I did the usual; shower, shave, moisturise, try on about forty different outfits, perfect make-up, sweat all the make-up off with stress and then attempt to apply it again. I was so nervous I thought I might vomit before he arrived. A massive ball of stress that resided in my intestines was growing at alarming rate. God forbid I’d have to speak to him!

The moment the doorbell rang I swept open the door and saw the coolest, dark haired epitome of sexiness standing in front of me.

Excitement exploded.

I was disarmed too. A date with Mr Fumble was something I should have prepared myself for mentally as well as physically.

kissing heartbreakAfter getting this far into the post you may have an image of me in your head. There may be some pre-conceptions about my personality and my behaviour. I shall leave you to them, I’m not keen to find them out. But my date with Mr Fumble will remain between me and him and the couple of people we may have told since.

All I shall let you know is that Mr Fumble arrived at midday on one day and left at midday the next. Over the course of that 24hour period, we had coffee, chatted, laughed, went for a walk, had dinner, chatted some more and spent the rest of the time…fumbling.

For those twenty-four hours, I was beaming with joy. I felt like I was at the start of something special.

But twenty minutes before he left I watched his fences go up. The Mr Fumble I’d spent the last day with disappeared and was replaced with a closed off, unrecognisable man. Walking out my house he politely said goodbye and promised to text when he got home. Just like that he was gone.

You may think I was the most gullible, naive idiot that ever walked the earth. I have thought that often enough myself. You may be certain that the contact was over, while secretly hoping for a happy ending. But H is for Heartbreak after all…

Locking the front door with a shaky hand and a heavy heart I thought I would never hear from him again. Mr Fumble was out of my life and would never be a part of it. I was wrong, to some extent. The messages flooded my phone as soon as he got home. We texted non-stop for the next two days.

Sadly, over the next five months his texts got more sporadic but never stopped until I told him to leave me alone. I was struggling to move on and he clearly didn’t want a relationship. On occasion, for about a year after, I continued to hear from him, until I decided to block him for a couple of weeks. I have no idea why he stayed in contact. It could have been a keenness for more fumbling or because he was bored. Whatever the true reason I never learnt it because I wouldn’t agree to see him again.

However much he annoyed and upset me, I will always have a fondness for Mr Fumble. In his defence, he never promised anything he wasn’t willing to give. Everything he gave me was incredible and life-changing. If I could do our initial texting, call and meet-up again, and I was still single, would I? Possibly. Being full of regrets is a fruitless experience.

I shed a lot of tears over him when he started distancing himself and then several more over the next months. Maybe my instincts and lack of experience did betray me. I guess only Mr Fumble knows the answer to that.

There has been heartbreak and many tears shed since him.

Friends wondered in the past, “How can you stay hopeful that you’ll find what you’re looking for?”

After my heart was broken my hope seemed to die for a while too. I have been left wondering what’s the point, how can I find what I’m looking for? Is there something wrong with me? After heartbreak, I used to stop dating and reassess because I don’t do rebound dating. But that’s a personal choice I made. I was told once, by a colleague, that rebound is the best time to date. I’ve seen people get hurt when we date on the rebound. It may give us validation and help us move on in the short term but it usually comes back to bite us on the arse.

After Mr Fumble made it clear that a relationship wasn’t going to happen I went straight back online. As a result I made some reckless and nearly dangerous decisions.

People jump back on to the apps and sites for many reasons, sometimes because it’s a simple need to get their end away. Sexual need is difficult to ignore especially when you’ve been getting it regularly. But if you just want to get your end away then be honest about it. Don’t deceive people into thinking you’re looking for more.

When I started writing this a while back my hope took a beating. It was inevitable after recalling and revisiting these experiences but then I met up with some friends who had met through online dating. They told me of their experience. There were familiar situations, for example one didn’t reply initially and distance caused a couple of issues. But a relationship slowly developed over chatting, meeting up and dating.

So, when I asked them, “How can I still have hope when I have heartbreak inside me?” I was told that you have to prepare for heartbreak when you date but then sometimes you get lucky and it does work out. At this point, they gave each other such a grin of nauseating joy that had I not been sticking my fingers down my throat I would have got caught up in it. It was a smile that only genuine, caring love lives in and was the display of encouragement I needed.

Fight for meSo, heartbreak does happen and it can temporarily destroy us. But H is for Hope too because online dating does work out, people keep trying and they enjoy themselves in the process. And one positive from Mr Fumble is that it gave me my love of men in military uniform, which helped inspire my erotic romance short story Fight For Me, which is available to download.

I’d love to know how you’ve dealt with heartbreak in dating. You can share your thoughts or experiences by commenting below or visiting my Facebook page.

Fight For Me: a short tale of erotic romance

New Book alert! Fight for meAlthough you can find Fight For Me in the Crave For Me anthology I decided it was time it got its own release. I remember sitting down to plan this book out on a cold November night in a quiet cafe. It wasn’t the obvious setting for an erotic romance brimming with love but that didn’t stop me. When I was younger I was too shy to talk to the guys I had crushes on. During my teens and 20s there were several crushes that made my palms sweaty and my face beetroot red. Unfortunately it never went further. The inability to flirt, even chat to guys I had crushes on inspired a lot of my writing, including this story.

But that wasn’t the only inspiration.

You’ll see from my A-Z of Online Dating blog posts that I’ve had some good and bad dates. One of the good ones, that will feature under H is for Heartbreak was Mr Fumble. He was a squaddie that broke my heart but he also made a massive impact on many things, including my imagination. That was where the inspiration started.

But it needed somewhere else to go. I have always had a love of stories where females fall in love with their brother’s best friends. But I can’t explain why. I had lukewarm feelings for several of my brother’s friends when I was younger but none of them stood out. None of them captured my lust, brought me joy or made me laugh like the male protagonist in Fight For Me.

Fight for me Crave

Joe is a hot and cocky yet endearing and humorous soldier who our female protagonist Jules has always fancied. Although she has successfully avoided him for years, when she realised he could never be the man she wanted, she has continued to love him. The rumour among her family was that he couldn’t get leave from the army for Jules’ brother’s wedding. But would he really miss his best friend’s wedding or the chance to see Jules again?

Let Joe be your new book boyfriend. I’m certain I wouldn’t be able to resist him.

You can buy the book by clicking on this link or any of the links on my books page.

Please enjoy the excerpt below and tell me, have you ever had a kiss like this?

Excerpt

“I see you have no wedding ring. Are you here alone? Always alone aren’t you, Pencil? It seems to suit you well. No friends, no husband, no nothing.” Freya and Annabella giggled next to her, the monster was laughing in her face once more.

Say anything, get the fuckers back with your words. She opened her mouth but all that came out was a barely audible squeak. They cackled in response.

Hands suddenly found her hips, gripping tightly, their strength easily turning her shocked body around, before soft lips brushed against hers. Her eyes fluttered closed in the pleasure of the moment. It was a graceful, gentle kiss at first but quickly escalated into a needy, passionate embrace. Jules had no idea who the man demanding such heat was and she was reluctant to open her eyes and find out. This was a kiss of longing and she was drowning in it.

The stranger pressed his strong firm body against her swollen breasts. For a second she questioned what she was doing, but any reluctance was crushed as she willingly opened her mouth to his sensuous and insistent tongue easing her lips apart. Hands slid hungrily to the flesh of her bottom, squeezing it expertly through her jeans, pulling her closer. There was an unexpected opulence to his touch and she felt a hardness pressing into her that raised her curiosity as quickly as it increased the ache between her legs.

The rumble of the music travelled through each nerve of her body but her senses continued to stay keenly focused on him. His minty breath fought with the mixture of spirits still on her tongue. The smell of musky deodorant mingled with sweat and something almost woody, which caused her nose to tingle as she felt the material of his clothes against her skin. Rough material rubbed against her lower back where her top had lifted slightly, heightening her arousal and making her force him closer. Delicate fingertips found the bristles of hair on his neck and tentatively she stroked them. Who is this guy? That hardness is all mine.

Air was fading from her lungs but she didn’t want to stop. She was unrestrained, controlled by a force beyond reason, as she rubbed mercilessly against his firm straining crotch. The alcohol that had filled her bloodstream brought flushed and heady sensations but still she embraced the arousal that heated her body throughout. A rough tongue massaged hers with expert skill as his fingertips toyed with the hem of her rising top.

I’m almost out of air, I need to breathe. Hands climbed quickly, sensing a rearing of her head, pressing a little harder against her neck, as if he wasn’t ready to let her go. I want this kiss more than I want to breathe but I need to know who is bringing me to these heights. It could be anyone. What if someone is playing a joke on me?

Jules’ green eyes fluttered open and took a moment to focus, searching through the slight fuzz of alcohol that still clouded her pupils. Oh my God, it can’t be. As if her memories had synchronised to stab her in her heart while playing cruel games with her senses, she realised she was looking at the one man she thought she’d successfully avoided for life.

Joe was home and she was in his arms. Shit!

“Alright, Jules? Just follow my lead,” he whispered in her ear, before giving her one of the signature cheeky grins she’d missed.

“Sweetheart, I’ve found you. Sorry I was late, you know what the army is like. There are always people who need rescuing.”

Words failed her. What the hell is he doing here? And what the fuck was with that kiss?

F is for Fences, Barriers and Baggage (continued)

f is for fencesIn my last post, F is for Fences, I shared my own story of coming up against someone with baggage whose way of dealing with it clashed with my own feelings and experiences.

Everyone has varying sizes of baggage and different heights to the fences they have built, as a result. In my online dating history, I’ve come into contact with former alcoholics, divorcees, single dads who have their kids 24/7, those in their thirties still living with their parents, men with body dysmorphia, guys who’ve been cheated on, guys who’ve done the cheating, those who only want to talk about their exes, people with low self-confidence, men in love with their best friends, and guys who adore Star Wars more than their grandmas.

What is baggage to one person isn’t to another and one day we’ll meet someone who’s more important and bigger than our baggage. A potential who over time will help our fences come down by knocking each panel of wood out, and hopefully we’ll do the same for them. It might be something big or an issue that takes a long time to dissipate, but for us they’ll be worth it. And it’s our prerogative what is worth it. Other people’s judgements aren’t relevant.

F is for Fences

I’ll finish the letter F with a story about my experience with Boris Pecker. I met him on one of the more reputable dating sites. Eventually, after a couple of weeks of messaging, we went on a date. Boris met me at the train station, he seemed a bit tipsy but was understandably nervous. Sadly, by the end of the date he was as drunk as nun on communion wine. But the date was still enjoyable…mostly.

To me the expected chemistry had been lacking but I know, from experience, that people get nervous and sometimes things take time. “I’m torn about a second date but I think it’s worth a go to see if I do like him. Sometimes second dates are needed.” Before I got as far as texting, I got a message from Mr Pecker.

Boris: In the interests of being honest I’m going to say that your height threw me a little and was a bit odd for me. But I had a nice time anyway.

FencesWhat I haven’t told you is that I’m on the short side but I’ve always been very honest about this on my profile. Boris was also one of life’s diminutive people. In fact, the first thing I mentioned when I told my friends about the date was that he was the shortest man I’d ever met. Maybe Boris’ height was his own baggage and therefore he couldn’t look beyond other people’s height. Maybe Mr Pecker was looking for the perfect specimen of a woman. I’m more than just a collection of feet and inches and so when Boris mentioned a second date I politely declined.

I want someone to enjoy spending time with me, not tolerate it in spite of my height. I want someone to see me as a whole package.

Be Mindful of Your Own Baggage

If you do have baggage about particular things, then you can save yourself some trouble and read the potential’s profile. If you don’t want kids then you don’t have to date a potential that does. And if you can’t do long distance relationships then make it easy and set your filter to local. In the long term, you’ll save yourself and someone else a lot of unnecessary heartache.

In the next post, I’ll cover Ghosting and the hurt it can cause – often building those fences even higher! Meanwhile, if you’ve missed any of the previous posts from my A-Z of Online Dating, click on “Select Category” in the right-hand column and select “A-Z Online Dating.” If you’d like to share some of your own dating experiences, add a comment below or visit my Facebook page.

F is for Fences…

fencesEveryone comes to dating and relationships with baggage. As I get older I find that people seem to be carrying a massive suitcase of pain and past hurts and experiences. Baggage is rarely just one bag, there’s usually lots of little carry-on bags in tow too. But if we all have our own baggage why does it feel like a struggle at times to find someone with tolerance for our problems?

Baggage can create fences. Fences stop us getting close to someone. It might be that the potential we want to date has their fences up because they’re scared of what might happen. Maybe we remind them of someone who has hurt them in the past or they have issues they’re not ready to deal with.

Fences… Barriers and Baggage

It’s real life story time. So, settle back and get ready to hear about my dates with Dry Humphrey. I should probably warn you that this story doesn’t have a happy ending, which is the sort of ending he was hoping for.

Dry Humphrey was a nice guy, easy to chat to and early-on it became apparent that we saw the world in a similar way. His goal was a relationship that might one day lead to marriage and kids and not just one night of hot, steamy passion. I was looking for the same. I still didn’t want him to get too carried away, after all we had to meet first. What if we came face to face and realised the attraction was as dry as a lesbian at a sausage buffet?

There was no denying that Humphrey was excited and reining him in was an impossible job. Within forty-eight hours of us chatting, he’d cancelled a date with another woman because he already liked me too much. Talk about pressure to bring the goods when we did meet! We decided that until we met we wouldn’t chat to anyone else online. It seemed a bit of a reckless strategy and not something I’d done so early with someone before but I went with it.

My Baggage

My own baggage contains some issues that have developed since using these sites. I can find it difficult to trust when I know I’m not the only one residing in the guy’s little black book. But that’s the nature of online dating and I’ve got used to it. Still, for some reason I trusted Humphrey and it was a refreshing experience.

The day of the first date came. I drove to the pub in my “first date dress” that hints at my figure but doesn’t lay it out on a silver platter. Excitement clenched at my stomach but I desperately tried to push it away. Would this be my “last first date”, or would I be bolting from the pub?

fencesThe biggest surprise of the date was that he brought his dog with him. It was a real dog, not a metaphor for his dick. An unlikely sidekick for a date but it gave a semi-relaxed state to the evening. The date went okay. It wasn’t a bolt of lightning but we chatted for a couple of hours, kissed goodbye and overall I had a slight glimmer from the experience. Feelings grow and just because there isn’t instant inner glow doesn’t mean we shouldn’t consider a second date. So along came the second date. This one was at his house. I’d prepared dinner and together we watched shit television. Again, it was mostly a good evening. We even fooled around a bit.

Getting Past the Fences

Reader, I doubt you won’t be surprised to know that I’m not chaste but I didn’t want to rush into the physical side. I didn’t just want a quick shag against the wall. Based on my own dating experiences, I have some fences up and I didn’t want to regret moving too fast. The kissing and other things were pleasant, but there were also long periods of time where his hands were constantly on the move, trying to find ways of reducing my clothing, trying to push me further than I was willing to go. But he was still generally patient when I said stop. Dry Humphrey was a horndog and eventually gave up when he realised his cock wasn’t welcome in the location he wanted. And so, we chilled out for a bit, continued to get to know each other and made plans for our next date.

Another date at his house began. I guess the signs were obvious that this evening he was aiming for the same desperately needed conclusion. I had a foolproof plan. I was wearing jeans that were like Fort Knox. There was no way he could get them off. I was wrong! You can’t thwart a man with a boner. Male soldiers should go to war like that. Countries would be conquered in mere seconds so that the throbbing squaddies could rush home to their willing partners.

Even the Dog was Unimpressed

The date made me feel like an unyielding piece of meat. I did everything to distract his attention because he only had one aim, and foreplay wasn’t it. Even his dog was unimpressed by his seduction technique. That’s right, his dog was in the room too. Thankfully, I left his house with my dignity and knickers still intact.

Things changed after that. The idea of getting to know each other better became superfluous. He even texted to cancel our date to a restaurant because he was too tired to go out and the next time he saw me at his house he wanted to “go all the way.” My first response was, “What thirty-year-old says that?” My second was, “When did I just become a hole for him to fill?” It appeared my personality and anything else that made me a human were unnecessary. I was a glory hole now.

Strangely, I wasn’t motivated to contact Dry Humphrey so when he didn’t reply to my last text I was relieved. A week later, I got a text. It turned out Humphrey had been in a couple of sexually incompatible relationships and he didn’t want to end up in another. In my aim of getting to know him better, I’d shared information from my own past. Ultimately, he wanted to check we could have “penetrative sex” before we got into anything further so that he could “gauge the scale of the problem”. From what I could see, Humphrey’s baggage ruled his cock and as a result impassable fences were erected.

Fences Built Higher

baggageThings between us ended there and sadly my fences have got a little bit higher, as a result. In another place at another time, when our fences hadn’t been built with others in mind, maybe it would have worked between us. But personally I wanted to see we were compatible in lots of different ways, including sexually. I’ve heard the phrase “try before you buy” but in that experience it felt more like shoplifting. Potentials, just so you’re aware, sex is more than just shoving the penis in for quick satisfaction.

This is a big topic so I’ll talk some more about baggage and the fences we all build in the next blog post. If you’ve missed any of the previous posts from my A-Z of Online Dating, click on “Select Category” in the right-hand column and select “A-Z Online Dating.”

Before the Slaughter, Sci-Fi Erotic Romance

I can’t convey how excited I am about Before the Slaughter, a sci-fi short story, which isn’t the greatest thing for a writer to say but I don’t care, I said it anyway. I remember trying to come up with a concept for this story, I wanted to try my hand at the sci-fi aspect and for a while I toyed with different ideas.

Sci-fi erotic romanceInitially I considered what online dating might look like in the future; matched on your genes and virtual reality dates. I thought of a story I could write based around those ideas but it wasn’t sci-fi enough for me. If I was going to do it I was going to embrace it. But, I like a frame of reference too. While my imagination struggles to rein itself in at times it also needs something it knows to cling on to. I’m the woman who sees two people having dinner and creates a world of dark espionage for them, I’m the person who notices that my next door neighbour hasn’t been about recently and wonders if he’s joined a cult!

But what made me go with the idea that this story is based on?

Before the Slaughter was eight miles of walking in the making. When I can’t decide what to write about or when I need to put detail to an idea plan I walk. I can’t say I saw a green leaf and thought about bodies that sparkle when they climax. There wasn’t a man being attacked by a dog leading me to think about the variety of aliens that might exist on a planet of prisoners, many who are waiting on death row. I can’t even say I saw two people making out and thought about a woman trained to service the needs of death row prisoners the night before they go to slaughter. But somehow on my walk it came to me. Thank goodness it did because my feet were getting tired!

before the slaughterSummary

Before the Slaughter is based around a Heterate, a being trained in giving death row prisoners one final night of pleasure before they go to slaughter. Eshmay has never known sex and seduction to be more than just a job, that is until she meets Timosh. Will she risk her life to be with him or will she send the being she loves off to slaughter after a final night together?

You can buy the book by clicking on this link: Before the Slaughter

But if you want to know more here is a teasing excerpt, I hope you enjoy.

Excerpt

Their last date together had started with the usual catch-up of their lives. Timosh didn’t glow with blue when she mentioned clients she’d serviced since their last date. They tried not to talk about it too much. Sometimes she’d offer him stories of her training with Klima; it turned him on, making him shimmer and leading to questions and illicit kisses. But the stories of clients brought a pale yellow tinge to his skin.

“Jealousy,” he’d explained, while his mouth satisfied her, kissing down her naked body. “Do your clients kiss you here?”

Lips had caressed her nipples, his tongue slowly circling her pink nub.

“Yes,” she moaned as his tongue swirled around her sensitive puckered skin before biting down. A whimper was freed from her full lips making his whole body shimmer with the remarkable green colour, like diamonds sparkling in a pool of green sea.

“And do they turn you on like I do?” The yellow was fading but her attention was focused on the journey of his hand. There was nothing tentative about his movements as he slid it beneath her silk knickers.

“No one turns me on like you do.” No lies poured from her mouth, only whimpers of pleasure set free when he dragged his finger from her clit to her lips, covering it with her wetness. It was quiet in the Pleasure Room, in the reality he’d chosen; a luxurious king sized bed that sat on its own island of sand, turquoise sea surrounding them. It was based on one of the private honeymoon islands on Planet Delphi. This one was created for them.

Again and again she murmured his name. Tasting the swell of her breasts he pushed one then two fingers inside her, curving them and stroking her g-spot. Men like Eli knew how to make a woman come but with Timosh there was truth and yearning to his movements. The way Timosh touched her and turned her on made her feel pure, she knew it was only him that could satisfy her fully.

I’m meant to be serving him.

D is for Dick Pics

dick picsThe weirdest thing I found during my foray into online dating was that even the sweet guys send dick pics. One guy I was particularly fond of sent me a picture of his cock with a dickie bow around it because it was nearly my birthday. That’s taking it to a whole new level…to the dizzy heights of a dickie pic! It was a level no one has come close to since. He certainly knew how to stand out as did his very hard “little” friend.

So why do guys send pictures of their cocks to unsuspecting online potentials? I’m pulsating with ideas, they have penetrated my mind and filled my consciousness as they pound me endlessly. But if you throb with excitement too then don’t feel shafted. Make sure you plunder my twitter with your own thoughts.

Why Do Men Persist in Sending Dick Pics?

Here are the ideas I’ve banged out (and please accept my apologies for the puns, I couldn’t resist whacking them out):

  • They’re looking for validation. We all need to feel attractive and wanted at times. For me, that means wearing a stunning dress and being told I look beautiful. Maybe some men get the same glowing feeling by sending a picture of their cock and waiting for the compliments to roll in.
  • The guys want you to see how hard you make them. It could be that they’re surprised at just how quick and rock hard they’ve become and want to share that. One guy used to tell me frequently “I adore you and you make me as hard as hell”. The compliment being that not only did he think I was great but he was also taken aback at how hard it made him to speak to me. The picture could be the guy’s immature way of paying you a compliment.
  • Mr Dick Pic wants you to imagine what sex with him would be like. He’s a visual guy and so this is how he translates his thoughts to you. He’s been thinking about sex with you; he wants to have sex with you. The part of him suggesting that you should have a nice date where he tries to woo you has gone from his head. It may have taken a permanent holiday while he thinks about sex with you.
  • The fella is trying to charm you and make you smile. A joke would probably go down a lot better. Unfortunately, the sensible part of their brain that tells them that one of the most unattractive parts of their body isn’t going to win you over is being drowned in horny-ness.
  • They want a picture in return. This is the most likely reason, in my opinion. Think of it as tit for tat. They’ve shown you their tat so now they want to see some tit. However, I’ve been sent many dick pics and I’ve never sent a tit pic, or a fanny photo. So, to say it’s not a winning strategy is a massive understatement.

Stay Safe (and Anonymous)

In the next blog post, I’ll talk about the ways you can send an intimate picture that will protect your privacy and, hopefully, provide the intended turn-on rather than sending the other person screaming into the night.

Meanwhile, let me know if you’ve ever sent an intimate photo or received a really funny or unusual one. Add your comments below or share it on my Facebook page.

I’d Do Anything for Love (But I Won’t Do That)


In the last blog post (Let’s Start at the Very Beginning: A is for…), we were talking about preferences and why I don’t refer to them as fetishes. I mentioned that what turns one person on may be terrifying to another.

One guy told me that he liked to watch his partner have sex with someone else while he wanked himself off. The woman was his “own personal pornstar”. He’d actually acted this preference out with his ex-wife, twice. I was shocked and must have been obvious about it because we didn’t speak much after that.

I’d Do Anything for Love…Maybe?

Depending on who we are and what we’re into, a potential may share a preference that initially freaks us out. But, eventually, after more details are shared, we might start to consider it and not run for the hills while voice dialling the nearest mental health worker.

Let me introduce you to Peter Wang who I dated for a while.

Peter Wang was one of those rare joys that you find in a guy. Games and manipulation weren’t part of his repertoire, and I imagined that he could be a best friend for life. Peter was always there for me. Nights spent apart, he’d ask me to call when I was safely home and he’d phone when he was on his way home too.

But there was a query: was Peter boyfriend material?

Peter Pan Syndrome

Sadly, the answer was a resounding “no”. I struggled with physical and sexual attraction when it came to Peter. Even though we were similar ages he had a concerning level of immaturity. Peter was a loveable geek and I liked that side of him. But there were still things that put me off, including the teen posters still tacked to his wall and the realisation he had more sci-fi toys and merchandise than floor space. Getting to the single bed was quite a struggle. Maybe you’re thinking, “Give the guy a break, living with your parents and dating is hard in your early twenties”. I agree, but this guy was nearly thirty and he lived with friends.

fetishMaybe I’m doing him a disservice, because he really made me laugh and gave me a love and respect that was rare in life. Finally, I felt like a prize that only the best deserved. I felt sexually attractive in a way I’d never felt before. The night we spent just sleeping in bed resulted in him being so permanently hard that he uttered, “Oh my God, if this carries on I think I’m going to need to see a doctor!”

Unfortunately, all he got that night was a giggle.

When you’ve met as many dickheads as I had, Peter seemed special. Sadly it didn’t work out because sometimes it just doesn’t. And I used to wistfully wonder, “Is he still in Neverland refusing to grow up?”

WAM Bam…

WAM sploshingOne of the reasons for the lack of long-term relationship wasn’t his preference. You may have heard of WAM before but, until Peter confessed this fantasy I hadn’t. How people’s minds work and what turns them on left me stunned.

WAM is “wet and messy play.” Before your mind spirals in numerous directions, as mine may have done, stop! We’re not talking urine and faeces in the bedroom. Have you ever watched someone get a custard pie in the face and found yourself getting hard? Maybe the thought of bringing gunge into the bedroom makes you wet with excitement? No? Then you’re not into WAM.

For some it’s the image of gloop running down the face, falling between the breasts. For others, it’s the idea of being covered in a messy, sticky substance that isn’t cum. But then another group of people enjoy the anticipation, the anxiety that goes with the possibility that it might happen, the fear and excitement that accompanies being humiliated in public. Imagine people watching and laughing as you’re gunged with the man or woman of your dreams. That can be a massive preference, one that people aren’t always keen to share.

…Thank You Ma’am

I was never fully sure which aspect of WAM turned Peter on the most. And I didn’t get his preference myself. It wasn’t for me.

With potentials and partners we might be willing to do some things we find unusual. That might include putting all our effort into blow jobs when we don’t enjoy them, sticking something up our arse or dressing up as a superhero, secretary or soldier.

For Peter Wang’s future girlfriend it may mean custard pies and gunge in the shower. I never went there but she might be more willing.

I’ll leave you with this question: how far would you go or how far have you already gone for someone you care about or love?

When Meatloaf said he would “do anything for love but I won’t do that” I wonder if he was talking about WAM or anal?

Tell me how far you’ve gone either here or on the Facebook page. You don’t have to share the gory details – just let us know how far you went out of your comfort zone and if it was worth it.