This is the second part of a recent blog post: I Don’t Do Hook Ups… Can’t Say That Anymore (Part 1). Several weeks ago I was horny as hell and not wanting to date some random, unknown guy to get rid of it. Instead I propositioned a previous date. This guy, Rubber Johnny (name changed to protect the innocent/guilty), had no intention of long term because of his own baggage. To find out more about what brought me to contacting him, click the link above.
But moving on.
The day arrived.
Preparation was key.
Best Laid Plans…
I certainly wasn’t feeling the excitement, the nerves were slowly eating away at me, “what if he was a dick about it”, “what if I couldn’t go through with it”, “what if he still looks like a gay pirate?” But I pushed them to one side and drove to his home, mostly undeterred.
On the drive I felt the flourish of excitement that’s familiar before a first date. Usually it’s clouded with nerves because I’m also worrying about the unknown. But then I was yo-yoing emotionally again. Fear and nerves still took over, unsettling my belly like a gone-off yoghurt.
Although I knew we were going to watch a movie and chill out for a bit it was still a hook up. This was completely against character. My sister hadn’t seemed impressed when I told her. What would some of my more overprotective friends think? Would I be okay with their judgements? But that wasn’t the only concern; what if I couldn’t keep it casual and I fell for him again? I didn’t want to spend another evening sobbing over the guy. That had been a shitty Christmas Eve.
Overcoming the Fear
Fears continued to rattle round my head as we met and walked to his lounge. Hearing him grumble about his neighbours, the recycling boxes and the dickheads at work brought my fantasies crashing down. The reality is, when it’s not a date, when you’re, to some extent, a sure thing then there’s no “best behaviour”, the need to impress is unnecessary and while I felt respected I also felt like I was just a hook up. But that’s what I wanted, right?
RJ was awkward in my presence, although now in hindsight I think that’s just who he is, an awkward guy. When he was out of the room and I put my gum in the bin he came rushing back in asking what the noise was. This wasn’t how I’d remembered him.
But, sat in front of the movie, snuggled up together I could tell, unexpectedly, that the chemistry was still there. My body was humming harder than a room full of bees when I felt his hand rest on my bum before he started stroking it with a gentle caress.
The slight touches were exciting, the kissing intense and everything else was… private. But just so you know, the non-sex hook up was kind of glorious. Aspects of our time together will feature in my erotic romance writing, I’m sure of it.
Lessons Learned from my Hook Up
Later, when I was driving home, I realised:
I’m glad I did what I did, no regrets, BUT I’m never doing it again. I enjoyed what we did but there was a coldness to it, it was a little soulless. It meant nothing. It became a series of acts with a guy who was good at kissing and other stuff but I needed more than that. I like the excitement that goes with fancying someone, the uncertainty of a furtive look, the “accidental” brush of hands over dinner, the hope that they might kiss you and the blissful feeling when you realise you had one of those dates that will stay with you for days.
I like the intimacy that’s accompanied by an attraction of the brain and the body. I’m somewhat reluctant to say I’m a romantic. It was a hook up and I mostly enjoyed it, although I still had to imagine myself with someone else to fully build the excitement. Is that messed up?
- RJ was still a nice guy. He built up my body confidence and was bloody brilliant at what he did with the rest of me.
- I’m not happy being single but I want a relationship, not a one off and that can take time. I need to put in the effort rather than expect some dream boyfriend to turn up on my doorstep.
- I’ve finally got RJ out of my system. I didn’t even realise he was still there, from Christmas, until I walked away. While great in his own way he’d never been worth losing tears over.
- It was a goodbye for good. Although he treated me with respect and care I don’t want to go back.
- Hook ups aren’t for me