What Went Wrong?

Why this time?

Frequently when it came to dating I’d wonder what went wrong.

There is one guy that stands out when it comes to “What went wrong”. Let’s call him Wizard Steve.

He was one of the good ones, at least I think so. It’s hard to say, even with hindsight. Maybe I’m a naive idiot.

From our initial messages we got on great. Steve wasn’t like a lot of guys I’d had chatted to before, he seemed friendly and respectful. He could be flirty and yet talk about things that weren’t just about sex. We shared all kinds of stories. He told me all about his kids and what his hopes and dreams were for the future. When he got a message from me he said he was happy to hear from me and even put himself out there by sharing some of his poetry. I don’t think any of this was a line.

what went wrong textingWe did talk about meeting up but at the time it was difficult to set a definite date as he was in the first weeks of his masters and his kids were being problematic. After a couple of weeks he started to message less. I didn’t let this phase me, I guess in those days I had a lot more hope and a lots less experience.

But then came that one night.

Lying in bed, sick with a bug, I heard my phone beep. It was Steve and he wasn’t his normal self.

Steve: I was wondering if you were free tonight. I want to invite you over so that I can make love to you all night.

What the Fuck?

It didn’t sound like something he would say and although it was an interesting invitation it wasn’t my style. I wasn’t looking for a hook-up. And being ill in bed meant I wasn’t going anywhere anyway.

The texts continued for an hour or so. Steve sent unexpected messages including thoughts he’d had about me and the different, more flirty and sexual times he’d imagined me.

The intentions behind the following messages didn’t give me cause for concern but as the messages continued so did my thoughts on this change.

Was he drunk? It didn’t seem like it. There weren’t lots of mistakes.

Had someone stolen his phone? That didn’t sound feasible either as Steve seemed to know me from the things he said in the messages.

went wrong dick picEventually we tried to do a bit of sexting. This was something we hadn’t done before as he’d seemed wary but it was as if he was possessed that night.

Steve was a poetic man and yet the words and flow seemed to be a struggle for him. Instead of it being fun it was becoming stilted and clumsy.

Steve: This isn’t working. I’m not enjoying it.

In all honestly neither was I but I don’t give up easily and I thought encouragement might help. Did I mention that I’m an idiot?

Vera: That’s a shame, I’m enjoying it.

Steve: I’m sorry but I don’t think you are. We should stop this. Goodbye.

Vera: It sounds like you’re saying goodbye for good.

Steve: I am. Good luck with what you’re looking for and goodbye.

And he was gone. That was it. I never heard from him again.

What had happened? What went wrong?

About a month later his name popped up on Facebook as someone I might know, it turned out that we had a friend in common.

Can you guess what I did?

That’s right. Cringe on my behalf if you must but I  spoke to this mutual friend about him, searching for some answers. Maybe I’d find out if he was a drug addict, still married or a bit of a player. But she said nothing like that, in fact she uttered, “You two would be great together”.

Again I was left with the question, what went wrong?

Theories:

  • Wizard Steve was drunk but good at hiding it.
  • He was bored.
  • He wanted to get laid and because I couldn’t come over he was disappointed, deciding to get himself off before ditching me.
  • Steve suspected I was talking to other guys at the same time and didn’t like it. He’d be right, for some of the conversation I had been. Yeah, I know, I’m an idiot.
  • A friend had got hold of his phone and was doing the talking for him.
  • His date that evening had cancelled and in his sadness and/or annoyance he decided to move on to me, realising halfway through out chat that I wasn’t what he wanted. Or maybe someone else had called round after all.

Have you got any theories? Tell me all! Leave your comments here or on my Facebook page or Twitter page.

Is Height an Issue for Dating

Is height your turn off…

When you start chatting to someone you never know what’s going on behind that mobile. That was a lesson I learnt many times when dating, especially with the guy I’ll call Stinky Winky.

But before I tell you about him I need to remind you of something that I revealed in a previous blog.  Come closer, that’s right, now here we go.

I’m short. I’m talking a tiny bit under 5 foot kind of short.

height and datingIt’s affected me when dating. Contrary to what my male friends say many guys really don’t seem to be keen on short women. I don’t know why because we’re easy to lift, we always make you look tall and we tend to be cute. Although, unfortunately, some guys don’t like cute either.

Anyway, why is my height significant? Read on and you’ll find out.

Oh, there is something else you should know… I used to be a good, Christian girl. Yeah, I know, good Christian girl turned erotic romance writer. It’s the stuff legends are made of. Get over it.

The Good Christian Girl Days

In those days I dabbled for a short time with online Christian dating sites. While on one particular site I got chatting to Stinky Winky. He seemed nice enough. Not too flirty, kind of cute and easy to talk to. We’d chatted a couple of times using the messenger part of this site (it was the old days and they didn’t have a phone app). I was too nervous too swap numbers  but over time I started to trust a bit more.

One day the conversation got round to my height. I didn’t think it was anything to be embarrassed about so I told him.

His next message was, “Ah okay. As it happens I’m not really looking for anyone to date.” And then he stopped speaking to me.

I was gutted and I knew I was being bullshitted. Was my height really that bad? It wasn’t like I was ever going to be able to change it.

height datingEventually I moved on, although my confidence had taken a massive hit. What if every guy felt that way? Friends had told me I was beautiful but at the end of the day what did that matter if my height was that much of a turn off.

About a year later I started going to a new church. I met a new group of friends, all female and all using the Christian dating website. One Sunday one of these friends walked into church with her new boyfriend… you guessed it, Stinky Winky!

I recognised him from the pictures I’d seen the year before. He recognised me too, it was obvious from the furtive looks he gave me. Maybe he was trying to place me but couldn’t work out where from. either way I was amused. He couldn’t look away!

But that wasn’t the end

Eventually my friend broke up with him. Suddenly all the secrets came out. I learnt that at some point he’d approached every female in my group of friends. That was kind of understandable, it wasn’t like there was a big pool of Christian girls in that town to pick from.

But there was more. Stinky Winky had confessed to his girlfriend that he had a bit of an addiction to prostitutes, he had emotionally abusive tendencies to girlfriends and had only gone on the Christian dating websites because he knew the ladies on them were not only vulnerable but a lot more trusting.

I had a lucky escape.

Although not always the case I was relieved that my lack of height had kept me safe on this occasion, goodness knows what would have happened if I hadn’t been a pocket rocket!

Have you ever had a lucky escape? Tell me all! Leave your comments here or on my Facebook page or Twitter page. And don’t forget to take a look at my other posts via the news page above or this link.

Don’t Speak

The First Message

You’ve been waiting to see if you’ll match that person you like. Finally you do. What do you say in that first message?

Here’s a blog post about some of the worst first messages I’ve had.

sexting messageDon’t do this, just don’t.

“Hey, is it wrong to want to physically pick you up and abuse you? X”

(Who puts a kiss on the end of a message like that?)

 

Fetish Reveal So Early?

Him: Hi x

Me: Hello

Him: How are you? What size shoe are you? x

(He went on to reveal his foot fetish, I stepped away. Don’t give away your personal fetish so quickly.)

Know Your Audience

Him: Are you as innocent as you look?

Me: Yes

(Well they don’t need to know the truth yet do they?)

Keep it in Your Pants

Potential: What undies are you wearing sexy? x

(Not even a “Hello. Are you having a nice day?” How rude.)

desk messageDesk fetish?

Him: I’m thinking about having over a desk so I can tease you with my mouth and cock before grabbing you and fucking you senseless.

(Firstly, what the fuck? But then I start to wonder, did he miss the word me out of the sentence, i.e. is he thinking about having me over a desk? That would make more sense unless he’s thinking about “having over a desk”. Like is he going to invite the desk over for a date too? Maybe you can find online dating for those who want to romance desks.)

Why do I Bother?

Him: I know what you like.

Me: What is that?

Him: You like to be pushed over a table and fucked hard and dirty from behind.

(I was shocked by how quickly that escalated. I was hoping he was going to say lemon drizzle and ask for me out for cake.)

Some don’t know what they’re letting themselves in for?

Him: Cute and feisty, eh? Sounds good. Kinky also? 😉

Me: Sadly not, surprisingly normal.

Him: I’ve been normal all my life, but part of me wants to try new things. Not like proper crazy stuff, just stuff that’s a bit more naughty, you know?

Me: You’re going to have to give me an example…

(My curiosity really is a cross to bear.)

Him: In my Google-based research, the most popular things to try out seem to be toys, spanking, strap-ons, golden showers, threesomes. So I’d guess I’d start with some of them.

(He then went on to tell me that he was pretty horny to which my unhelpful response was…)

Me: Ah you’ve got the Saturday horn! Fair enough. Although strange that it’s suddenly made you want to have a woman wee on you before she puts a strap on and does you up the arse.

(The conversation ended not long after that, it turns out he just wanted a threesome)

This Guy

Him: Hey how are you? Fancy a chat?

Me: Hello. I’m good thanks. How are you?

Him: I’m ok thanks. Do women purposely wait for blokes to send the first message?

(Apparently by chat he meant using me as the oracle for all women)

Me: I have to admit that I do, sorry. Have you had a good week?

Him: You must be on here to meet someone so you have to put effort into it

(Berating a woman so quickly into chatting isn’t the best way to seduce her.)

Me: I see your point

Him: This dating malarkey is rubbish

(Why am I still talking to him? And yet I continue.)

Me: Well yeah but how else are you going to find what you want? What brought you to this site?

Him: To find someone but there’s too much competition and it’s hard to get a look in with the women you fancy.

(I’m not surprised if you talk to them like this, unless he’s only talking to me because the ones he likes won’t give him time)

Me: Maybe you need to be creative with the things you say to them or just funny and honest.

Him: You can’t be yourself over text women must be stupid if they think you can

(Yep, he just called me and a lot of other women stupid.)

Me: I guess I’m one of the stupid ones then.

(He proceeded to carry on with his rant. I won’t bore you with it. My recommendation was that he took some time out from dating)

 

flirt dateSorry

But then I’m no one to judge. Some of my first messages have been cringe! And for that I apologise to any guy I messaged first. It didn’t end well.

What have been the worst first messages you’ve sent or received. Go on, get it off your chest, you know you want to. Don’t forget to add them here or on my Facebook page or Twitter page.

Did you know I write erotic romance? You can find my stories either by going to the books page on this site or by clicking here.

The guy I REALLY liked – The Stallion

Stallion Stan, part 2

Do you remember Stallion Stan? I talked about him in the good, the bad and the ugly series of blog posts. He was The Good, the first date game changer, and you can read about him here.

We had a very interesting first date with laughing, chatting, flirting, fumbling and lots of kissing. And similar dates followed. Spending time with him made me happy in a way I’d never expected. After a series of dating dickheads I thought this might be a significant one.

first date dates stallionWith him I was no longer needing to hide “the bounce”. The sort of bounce that you can’t resist doing because you want to burst with happiness! There wasn’t any point hiding it because most of the time he was grinning so hard I thought he might explode. When he arrived at my house he had a grin so wide I could see it through the frosted glass of the front door window!

Dates would consist of long walks while we shared the stories from our lives and the baggage from our pasts. He’d even manage to give me swift kisses and grab my bum in public too, something that’s a massive plus for me. I was giddy and overdosing on all the endorphins inside me.

kissing

But on one of our dates things suddenly started moving a lot quicker than I anticipated. While he was vaguely respectful when I slowed him down he wasn’t as sweet and thoughtful as I’d remembered. Then one afternoon we were in my room, kissing and making out when suddenly he wasn’t trying to fool around anymore. He was taking it to a level we hadn’t discussed. Not just that but he was doing it without a condom.

I wasn’t ready for sex and I freaked out, jumping away, at which point he freaked out at my reaction and then to make the situation even more awkward my friend phoned me and kept ringing the doorbell. We never chatted through what happened. We should have…

Because that twenty minutes changed everything with “Stallion Stan” and although he suggested everything was okay he’d changed. Suddenly he was getting a lot of stress migraines, wasn’t in contact as much and as a result I got stressed things were over. We agreed to meet up again and we did but Stallion Stan wasn’t the same guy.

This time he arrived at the front door without a smile. He coldly handed me my hat, which I’d left in his car, and “joked” that he could now go home. That day he’d make these comments that left me unsure if he was displaying his true side, which wasn’t sweet and lovely anymore, or if he was faking bastard personality characteristics to put me off. Yet throughout this he continued to talk about his future, one that always had me in it.

As he left he said “I’ll probably see you again next weekend” But he didn’t.

b is for boredom ghostedBy the middle of the week he’d stopped texting and I could see he was back on the dating site. I was being ghosted and he was moving on. I didn’t know what to do. Was it time to try game playing?

After three days of complete phone silence I built up the courage to ask what was going on. He put it on me and made out he thought I’d got bored with him. Halfway through our conversation and discussing whether we should give it another go he just stopped replying.

I never heard from him again.

My time with Stan left me hurt, confused and feeling like there was something wrong with me. The happiness I’d had when we kissed was ripped away from me. I was broken. It made me a lot less trusting in dating, always waiting for something to go wrong, scared by any changes in behaviour.

I came off online dating for many months after that. There may have been plenty more fish in the sea but as I couldn’t rely on my instincts or my personality I wasn’t sure I’d ever trust another one again.

Ghosted?

Have you been ghosted by a Stallion Stan?  Tell me about your ghosting experiences and remember, there are all sorts of arseholes out there but they’re not the only daters out there. Feel free to add to my comments section or add to my Facebook page or Twitter page. And if you want me to answer any questions in my blog please drop me a message.

Instincts and Rules

You should always make sure you follow your instincts

You know when something isn’t right and no collection of dos and don’ts can convince you otherwise. In my previous post I shared my dating rules, you can read that here, but no matter what you put in place for yourself you still need to trust your instincts.

The Story of Dickson Bollocks

texting instinctsOne of my friends, Hilda, had her own mistake with Dickson Bollocks. They chatted via text for a couple of days and she’d already suggested that he seemed to have a controlling personality but she was lonely, bored and on the rebound. Dickson also seemed to make the semi-nude selfie game they played fun too.

BIG MISTAKE!

Thankfully even the tame photos she sent didn’t have her face in. But she’s said many times that she should never have got involved with him.

Let me tell you why

Their date was in public and somewhere she knew. She drove, didn’t drink and kept her phone on and in her pocket at all times. Instincts niggled at her but she couldn’t put her finger on why. While chatting during the date she foolishly shared too much personal information. Eventually Hilda came to the decision that something wasn’t right. She politely explained she had to leave.

Dickson tried to convince her otherwise.

He repeatedly tried to persuade her to go to his house even though he was fully aware she wasn’t getting in any enclosed private spaces with him. But he had an argument for that too, “We can go in my garage with the garage door open and that way you’ll feel relaxed”.

She declined.

Finally they separated. Hilda explained she was popping to a friend’s house, which she did before driving the forty-five minutes home. The whole time she was there Dickson continued to text her asking her to come to his house for just fifteen minutes on her way home. She said no every time. Then he suggested ten minutes. Again she was adamant it wasn’t happening so he changed tactics saying that it could just be five minutes at a petrol station or a lay-by on her way home.

Yes, a lay-by.

fear dating instinctsShe wasn’t going anywhere near the lay-by.

Instincts had moved from nervy to freaking out. Dickson didn’t know exactly where she lived but he knew what route she’d have to take back to town. The entire drive home she was checking her rear view mirror. Rather than go straight home she met friends at the pub, worried what might happen next.

The messages continued

Dickson: Please send me some more photos. I know you have them on your phone. Please, it’s the least you can do after not coming to my house.

So she sent them.

Hilda told me that even at the time she knew she was a “fucking idiot” but she didn’t know what else to do. Too scared to tell people in case they judged her for going on the date and giving out too much personal information she couldn’t face their thoughts when she mentioned the initial photos she sent too. Sadly, in some weird way Hilda thought it would get him off her back.

Then she didn’t hear from him for a couple of days. Liberation doesn’t even come close to describing it, she thought he’d moved on.

But she was wrong

Eventually within days Dickson was back on the scene and wanting to meet again.

Hilda: I’m really sorry but I just don’t think I’m ready for a relationship.

Dickson: Thank you for telling me, I’m grateful you let me know rather than not replying.

Surely it was all over? No, the conversation carried on.

Dickson: As you don’t want anything more the least you could do is send me some more photos, it’s not really fair on me otherwise.

Hilda: No, I’m not going to do that.

Dickson: Do you want me to delete the other photos you sent?

Hilda: Yes I do but let’s be honest it doesn’t make a difference what I ask, you’ll do what you want with them.

That’s the problem with sending photos, you lose your control of them as soon as you press send.

dating safetyThis conversation carried on for about thirty minutes. Dickson kept on. He was an intelligent guy and knew exactly what to say and what questions to ask, including reminding her that he still had her photos. Hilda didn’t have enough experience for this situation and was too ashamed to ask someone who did.

Eventually she decided to stop replying, believing if he couldn’t get a response then he couldn’t mess with her head. Dickson’s messages continued for an hour.

Dickson: I can’t believe you’re ending it this way.

But when she stopped reading the messages and turned her phone off he stopped sending them. Hilda was still scared but she knew she’d got off lightly.

Dickson texted occasionally over the next four or five months. Messages like “I’m thinking about you”. But without a reply from her his game was over.

Dickson Bollocks taught Hilda a lesson and he taught me one too.

There are creepy guys out there but listening to your instincts and following your own rules can keep you safe, to some extent.

Thankfully online dating has good guys too.

Have you had a guy like Dickson Bollocks in your life or a situation where you’re relieved to say you used your instincts? Please add to the comments section here or via my Facebook page or Twitter page.

Rules and Suggestions

These are my rules for me

But they might work for you too. Over the years of dating I learnt things that kept me safe. In part 2 I’ll tell you a story from a friend that reinforces, to me, that rules and instincts are crucial.

You might read my rules and think I’m overzealous. In some ways I would agree with you and there have been dates where I went with my instincts and didn’t follow my “rules” religiously. But they’ve also kept me safe in more dangerous situations.

General “Rules”

  • dating rulesDon’t take nude or semi-nude photos of yourself to send to someone that include your face.  See why in my dick pic blog post here
  • Don’t give out too much personal information. That includes your address, exactly where you work or information about your family. I avoided LinkedIn for that reason. I didn’t want someone to find me with just two clicks of a mouse and turning up at my work.
  • Don’t become Facebook friends early on and make sure you have full privacy settings on your social media so that they can’t work out enough things to find you.

Before you go on the date

  • Get their surname. Although keep in mind that anyone reluctant to give out their surname may have a completely reasonable explanation, don’t immediately assume the worse.
  • Swap up to date selfies. It gives a helpful idea of who you’ll be seeing and prepares you for any uncontrollable reactions you may have on first meeting.
  • Find out a bit about the job they do (it doesn’t need to be the organisation/company). It will give you something to talk about too.
  • Find out if they’re after casual sex or longer term. Does that match with what you want?
  • Think about what questions you might ask or subjects you might focus on in case there’s a conversation lull. Silence on a first date can be awkward and uncomfortable and while it’s not a job interview sometimes a bit of preparation helps.
  • Speak on the phone, even for just a short time. It can help calm the nerves too.
  • I don’t do this but one friend recommended doing a google search, just in case they’re a wanted murderer!
  • Find out what town they live in. It might be that the app or the website has messed up and they’re 200 miles away rather than the 2 you thought.

stranger danger datingRemember that you’ve never met this person and while they may appear lovely and charming it doesn’t mean you know them.

It’s suddenly date night, what dos and don’ts should you be considering?

  • Do plan your own transport, whether it’s train, bus or driving. A quick escape might be necessary and you don’t want to be requesting change from them while trying to make a swift emergency exit. Don’t get into their car, if you do then you’re completely at their mercy. In all seriousness I’ve heard a story of someone who was attacked by a man on her first date in his car. It’s not worth putting yourself in a situation like this.
  • Don’t get drunk. I’m not saying stay stone cold sober, after all you may feel you need to settle your nerves. But too much alcohol can lead to decisions that you normally wouldn’t make and as a result put you in a vulnerable position. Even worse, our douchebag side might come out of its hidden depths. I’ve been on a date with a guy who, in his drunkenness, ended up telling me all sorts of secrets and stories, including exes he’d cheated on.
  • Don’t reveal where you live. If the potential is in any way unhinged you’re welcoming a stalker into your life.
  • Don’t go back to theirs. Also, ideally don’t invite them back to yours either. Obviously if the aim is to hook up then some of these rules won’t work for you.
  • Don’t leave your phone alone with them at any point, who knows what they’ll do with it?
  • Do meet somewhere public. Safety is important at all times. This also gives you some control in a situation that can put you at risk.
  • Do encourage physical contact if you want it. If you’re shy or taking it slow then the occasional brush of the leg and touching hands over the table can make a massive difference. I’m not saying maul them, unless you’re both up for that, but there’s also no harm in holding a little back either if you prefer to do that.
  • Do tell someone where you’re going, who with, what time you’re meeting them and when you should be home by. I had a friend that had a time to call me if I haven’t called them first.
  • Do make sure the other person is safe getting home but don’t force your presence on them if they’d rather be alone.

date night safetyOther things like where and when you meet up and who pays is best left to the people involved and the decisions aren’t anyone else’s business.

So you’ve read my “rules” and you’re left in shock and horror – I must be the most conservative woman in the world. Well… not really. I’ve gone against all my rules at one time or another. But this is what worked for me and I’ll tell you in my next post one reason why.

I have one more “do”. You may find this a little extreme but it made me feel safe. On my phone I had the “find my IPhone” app and I gave the password to my sister. They knew to check it if I didn’t contact them after a certain number of hours. It also meant if I ended up on a date with a murderer they’d know what skip to find my phone in… joking, hopefully.

One complication came on my first date with Mr Fumble and I got a message from my sister asking

“Why haven’t you left the house yet???”

Awkward!

Now it’s your turn to tell me what your dating rules are. Let me know in the comments section or via my Facebook page or Twitter page.

7 Facts About Me

A Girl in Islington, a lovely lady that I follow on twitter wrote an interesting blog post with facts about her love life. It makes for a brilliant read. Make sure you take a look here. I was lucky enough to be mentioned as one of her favourite 15 bloggers.

So strap yourself in because here are seven facts about me.

  • I’ve presented a couple of radio shows

That’s all it was, several one hour radio shows. It was terrifying, I made an ass of myself and unsurprisingly as a result I don’t have a career in radio. I vaguely remember singing along to Steve Harley’s Make Me Smile. It did wonders for my confidence though, once I stopped shaking. I’m sure the listeners could hear me trembling through their speakers.

  • I’m a vanilla erotic romance writer

before the slaughterThe stories I enjoy writing incorporate romance, a happy ever after (or happy for now), life issues and sexy times. I’m currently working on an erotic romance centred around a rugby playing artist who has a painful secret and a woman working for a children’s charity. I’m also completing an anthology that includes a story about a couple who’ve struggled to have sex due to problems with infertility. Life is a bitch at times and my stories reflect that. Don’t forget the sex though.

  • I’ve brushed Tinky Winky

Well, technically I brushed his costume and he wasn’t wearing it. I did work experience at the production company that makes Teletubbies. It was an eye opening experience that I remember fondly. I also learnt how to use a cafetiere. What a clueless 15 year old I was!

  • I lost my virginity after my mid-twenties

You don’t hear that one everyday. I used to be a good Christian girl who wanted to wait until I was married but then some significant things happened in my life and I decided that I might never get married. I wasn’t going to live without ever having had sex so I decided things had to change. Happily my first time was amazing although the guy broke my heart. I regret nothing.

  • Online dating inspired me

Online dating hook upsI haven’t always enjoyed online dating. However, without doing it I wouldn’t have met my boyfriend. I’m now trying to deal with “living with a boy” and his snake. I mean the reptile version. Online dating gave me ideas for my stories too. I have one coming out in an anthology soon about WAM (wet and messy play, aka sploshing). It’s not something I’ve ever done or want to do but I met a guy once who was a big fan and told me all about it. Online dating has also caused me much heartbreak – read about Mr Fumble here. Heartbreak offers excellent inspiration to a romance writer.

  • I’m 1 in 250 million

I have two rare medical conditions.  I’ve spent a lot of my life in hospitals being poked and prodded. Things are okay now but who knows what the future holds.

  • I once sexted a guy while I was in church

    sextingThe vicar’s wife nearly saw a picture of his penis. I was half way through a reply to him (or rather a photo of him) when she started talking to me after the service. I decided after this debacle that maybe I needed a break from going to church as my heart wasn’t in it.

I also have a dress up box and I’m obsessed with Pokemon Go, I’m leaving those facts there though because I’m not sure how interesting they are.

Those were my facts and I’d love to read yours too. There are many tweeters I think would have some fascinating facts including:

Stephanie Simpson

Jolie Vines

Everybodys Mate

Not So Sex In the City

Eliza

The Gif Queen

Kate

Basia

Not So Sadly Single

Jesse Stuart

Please tell me your facts, even if I haven’t mentioned your name. You can add them here or on my Facebook or Twitter pages.

Phil Dew part 2 – Could I Change Him?

If you missed part one of my Phil Dew experience and why I decided to play games then you can read it here. If you’re up to date enjoy what happened next.

Can You Change Someone?

changeMy mum once told me, “Don’t ever think you can change a man because you can’t.”

I should have realised when Phil first told me that the distance was too much that I wasn’t a game player. Ball games have never been part of my skill set…!

I was heading for a romance car crash if I thought I had any chance of swaying Phil’s decision. Sadly not only did I ignore the saying, I also ignored my instincts. More worryingly I ignored everything I’d already witnessed about Phil. The guy liked to have things his way and was as stubborn as me. Eventually we did go on that first date and it lasted eight hours.

everyone knowsIt was filled with laughter, smiles, the sort of subtle touches you make when you want to grab each other and kiss but are too scared to do anything so bold. In the end there was kissing, in a park where we enjoyed the warming sun. Our kissing was accompanied by a guy playing a guitar and singing so badly that Phil was ready to break the wood in two but the kissing kept him busy enough to control his annoyance.

So it all ended okay after the date and we lived happily ever after?

Don’t be so ridiculous.

What could go wrong?

Our friendship, where we refused to acknowledge the distance while continuing to talk about how much we cared about each other and rejecting the option to date other people carried on at a heady pace. I visited him for the weekend and got on with his friends. Even his dog loved me and his “little” Philip seemed happy to be in my company too, not that we got too physical. I guess holding that back was part of my ineffective game plan.

But none of this mattered because eventually things came to a head when I invited him to stay at mine. The avoidance tactic wasn’t working for either of us anymore. In typical fashion it wasn’t a grown up sharing of well thought out opinions it was the thrown out insults of two hurting people forced into a situation where there was no happy solution.

The real friendship and romance ended there

That evening tears brimmed at my eyes and eventually I sobbed. It was the teen romance I’d never experienced. Since then we’ve tried chatting a couple of times but it’s never worked. The trust, the care and the friendship had already been destroyed. No one who has genuinely cared about me has hurt me to the extent that he did and so the friendship couldn’t go back in time. I guess if I’d let it lie when he originally said he couldn’t do distance things might have been different but in the long run it caused more hurt than it healed.

Maybe if we’d lived in the same town we would have been a couple or maybe just best friends. I’ll never know. In the end none of it matters because when it’s not right for one person there’s nothing you can do about it.

It might be that you have extremely differing opinions on significant things. Does that mean there’s no future? Other times you might find you’re not in the right place to be dating. Maybe you’re hurting, jaded, tired or have too much going on in your life.

Ditch the Apps

I was once told “It’s better to be stuck on a shelf than locked in a cupboard”.

In other words it’s better to be single for a while than trapped with the wrong person.

If you need a break from online dating for a while then take that break. I did it for different reasons.

hipster changeDelete the apps from your phone, watch some television or catch up with your friends. It’s okay to take a break and it’s better than damaging your instincts and ending up with a psycho or a hipster… What could be worse?

If you have had an experience like this then let me know in the comments section or via my Facebook page or Twitter page. Or maybe you can tell me what is worse than a hipster, you’ll need a convincing argument though. Surely they’re the pits?

N is for Not Right

online datingIf you’ve missed any of my stories take a look in the categories section for A-Z Online Dating. Make sure you catch up on  Stallion Stan first here the next post on him is coming soon.

Sometimes the Situation Isn’t Right

The guy/woman isn’t right for you and you’re not right for them. Generally when this decision has been made by either you or the person you’re dating nothing can be done to change it.

If people have told you you’re not right for them, especially if you can’t see the point they’re making then you may be left wondering what the “real” reason for what’s going on is. You may try and change yourself so you can be what they want. I know I did.

But don’t, well, kind of don’t. No one is perfect and there should always be a little willing to reduce the arsehole parts of yourself or compromise and understand that some behaviours and habits are unnecessary when you’ve got an additional focus in your life.

If someone doesn’t want to continue dating you because you’re a bit tubby and they only date skinny potentials then they’re  not right one for you. Maybe they will only go on a third date if you always pay for everything, including the most expensive meals and presents. Yet they have no intention in treating you then stop and ditch! If you’re looking for long term and it’s starting like this then what’s it going to be like in two months or six months’ time? Respect goes both ways.

I Don’t Want to Destroy Someone

My aim when I was looking for a long term someone wasn’t to find any old person irrespective of how they treated me. I didn’t want to crush the soul of another person so we don’t have to be alone on Saturday night. I’m hoping that’s worked out, sometimes my boyfriend’s soul seems a bit crushed though…

Not right too shortThere might be other reasons that we couldn’t change if we wanted to. Between my friends we’ve heard a lot of these reasons; too tall, too short, too stupid, too religious, too easy, not experienced enough or worse no reason at all. We’re left making up our own reasons, which is never good.

Introducing Phil Dew

My story of such idiocy involved Phil Dew. Initially his dating tactics were pretty annoying. He’d message me repeatedly over several hours just to get one reply. It sounds a bit creepy in black and white but I realised early on it was for different reasons. Phil was pretty inexperienced and hadn’t learnt to play it cool. The man was filled with an enthusiasm he was desperate to share. Friends suggested I should ignore him and his weirdness but I couldn’t, there was something endearing about him.

Eventually he coaxed out my well-hidden silly side. It was time, care and support that I’d never experienced before.

Quickly I saw that although we lived ninety miles away with completely different backgrounds and experiences we had a lot in common. We constantly made each other laugh and seemed to have one of those freaky brain connections that meant we understood each other without explanation, even when no one else had a clue. Phil just had to mention a random character from an eighties film and I knew exactly who he was talking about and everything about the movie. We talked to each other all day every day and never ran out of conversation. If it wasn’t a voice message or text it was a random photo that left each other chuckling. We constantly tried to outdo each other in humour, although frequently he won. I’d never met anyone like him.

“The One”?

I’ve never believed in “the one” but for a millisecond I thought maybe true love did exist and I’d found mine. At the very least I’d found a friend for life in each other.

There were still moments where things went wrong. One day Phil texted me a photo of an event he was at. I pointed out the freaky looking woman at the edge of the picture. I thought Phil was joking when he said it was his mum.

He wasn’t.

There were also the nights he drunk called me but had to pause while he vomited in a bush before insisting that I tell him how much I liked him. This was usually followed by him oversharing with how much he fancied me. Even in these and many more awkward moments time spent speaking to him brought me a joy that I’d thought was impossible. I was nervously excited for our first date.

But before the date even happened Phil Dew told me that he couldn’t go through with it even though he liked me a lot. A long distance relationship wasn’t something he could do.

Not right cryingI was devastated

“We haven’t even given ourselves enough of a chance, we haven’t even met. It’s only an hour and a half drive, at the most,” I ranted to my housemate. But to Phil it was like we were on different continents.

I was too upset to speak to him but eventually he won me over.

Phil: I know you must hate me right now, I’m upset too.

Phil: The day isn’t right if I don’t get to hear from you.

So I came up with a new tactic. I thought eventually I could convince Phil he was wrong because he obviously liked me and we got on really well. Surely the distance couldn’t be that much of a problem? And so began one of the most clueless portions of my life.

To be continued…

Please tell me if you’ve been given a crap reason for being ditched and what your reaction was in the comments section or via my Facebook page or Twitter page. And if you want me to answer any questions in my blog please drop me a message.

Make a Date: the Good

Good Date?

In my last couple of posts I’ve talked about some bad date experiences but this one is different. Strap yourself in, it’s time you heard about Stallion Stan.

Stallion Stan

Stan was one of those guys where everything started off well. We chatted for a couple of day’s online then swapped numbers and continued our conversations via text. We spoke on the phone before we met, it was like talking with a friend instead of an awkward chat with a guy I’d never met. Stan had me in giggles and effortless smiles. The perfect version of funny and ridiculously cute, which happens to be my type.

flirt dateWhen the conversations got too sexual he’d rein them in but in an inquisitive and controlled way. He wanted to talk about fantasies and preferences but was also looking for something more long term than a bit of sexting fun.

We shared a lot of baggage before we met, which did a lot for bringing those fences down. Stan had some massive baggage, he was a former alcoholic, still living with his parents, his ex-girlfriend had cheated on him and he was struggling work wise due to his past. But he was nearing the career he’d been working towards. I was grateful for his honesty.

And I liked him.

We were both nervous before we met, wondering if when we stood in front of each other we’d find each other physically attractive. We’d got on really well so far.

Surely something had to go wrong?

The Day had Arrived

Finally the day of the date came. We were going to meet for lunch and see what would happen from there. Stan was adamant we’d spend all afternoon together, I was a little more reluctant, not making any promises in case I couldn’t keep them.

Nervous smiles were obvious when we first came face to face. My butterflies were already zipping around my belly. His third question was “What do you think about me?” Apparently he didn’t always get brilliant reactions. I couldn’t understand why. He was gorgeous. He reminded me of Chris Stark from the Scott Mills Show.

first date datesOur lunch was full of laughs and flirty, teasing smiles. Stan questioned if he had any competition for me and I couldn’t help but blush in response, no one had ever wanted to compete for me before.!

It turned out his prediction had been right about the date. After lunch we went for a semi-romantic stroll in the cold winter air, ending at a secluded stone line bandstand on the edge of a park.

That was the day I learnt I could happily kiss him for hours. Legs went numb, bottoms became as hard as the cold stone we sat on but the heat between us blazed.

It was the sort of kissing that erotic romances are based on.

Hands readily touched wherever they could get and on the whole they kept to the decent places. It was pretty cold for stripping in public which was probably for the best because we couldn’t get enough of each other. first date good dateOccasionally someone would walk near to our hiding spot and we’d break apart like horny teenagers caught making out behind the bike sheds. The afternoon we spent together in the park was filled with giggles, chatting, sweet yet lust filled kisses and stolen intimate touches.

It was a special date, a first date that made all the crap ones fade into insignificance.

Eventually we said our reluctant goodbyes. The date could have gone on for hours more. But I knew every kiss was giving me heady sensations and I might have problems being responsible for my actions.

I drove home joyous, touching my lips with my fingertips filled with fond memories and wondering what would happen next.

So..?

You’ll have to wonder what happened next, for now. As I said in a previous post first dates can become a game changer, making it hard to pick up your slovenly broken bodies and hearts and fake a smile every time you face a new one. But the good ones, the dates that leave you grinning as you try to sleep, make all the shit worthwhile and bring happiness and hope.

So don’t give up just yet. After all, as I was once told, you could be about to go on your “last first date”.

Please tell me your good, bad and ugly first date stories either in the comments section or via my Facebook page or Twitter page. And if you want me to answer any questions in my blog please drop me a message.