The First Message
You’ve been waiting to see if you’ll match that person you like. Finally you do. What do you say in that first message?
Here’s a blog post about some of the worst first messages I’ve had.
Don’t do this, just don’t.
“Hey, is it wrong to want to physically pick you up and abuse you? X”
(Who puts a kiss on the end of a message like that?)
Fetish Reveal So Early?
Him: Hi x
Him: How are you? What size shoe are you? x
(He went on to reveal his foot fetish, I stepped away. Don’t give away your personal fetish so quickly.)
Know Your Audience
Him: Are you as innocent as you look?
(Well they don’t need to know the truth yet do they?)
Keep it in Your Pants
Potential: What undies are you wearing sexy? x
(Not even a “Hello. Are you having a nice day?” How rude.)
Him: I’m thinking about having over a desk so I can tease you with my mouth and cock before grabbing you and fucking you senseless.
(Firstly, what the fuck? But then I start to wonder, did he miss the word me out of the sentence, i.e. is he thinking about having me over a desk? That would make more sense unless he’s thinking about “having over a desk”. Like is he going to invite the desk over for a date too? Maybe you can find online dating for those who want to romance desks.)
Why do I Bother?
Him: I know what you like.
Me: What is that?
Him: You like to be pushed over a table and fucked hard and dirty from behind.
(I was shocked by how quickly that escalated. I was hoping he was going to say lemon drizzle and ask for me out for cake.)
Some don’t know what they’re letting themselves in for?
Him: Cute and feisty, eh? Sounds good. Kinky also? 😉
Me: Sadly not, surprisingly normal.
Him: I’ve been normal all my life, but part of me wants to try new things. Not like proper crazy stuff, just stuff that’s a bit more naughty, you know?
Me: You’re going to have to give me an example…
(My curiosity really is a cross to bear.)
Him: In my Google-based research, the most popular things to try out seem to be toys, spanking, strap-ons, golden showers, threesomes. So I’d guess I’d start with some of them.
(He then went on to tell me that he was pretty horny to which my unhelpful response was…)
Me: Ah you’ve got the Saturday horn! Fair enough. Although strange that it’s suddenly made you want to have a woman wee on you before she puts a strap on and does you up the arse.
(The conversation ended not long after that, it turns out he just wanted a threesome)
Him: Hey how are you? Fancy a chat?
Me: Hello. I’m good thanks. How are you?
Him: I’m ok thanks. Do women purposely wait for blokes to send the first message?
(Apparently by chat he meant using me as the oracle for all women)
Me: I have to admit that I do, sorry. Have you had a good week?
Him: You must be on here to meet someone so you have to put effort into it
(Berating a woman so quickly into chatting isn’t the best way to seduce her.)
Me: I see your point
Him: This dating malarkey is rubbish
(Why am I still talking to him? And yet I continue.)
Me: Well yeah but how else are you going to find what you want? What brought you to this site?
Him: To find someone but there’s too much competition and it’s hard to get a look in with the women you fancy.
(I’m not surprised if you talk to them like this, unless he’s only talking to me because the ones he likes won’t give him time)
Me: Maybe you need to be creative with the things you say to them or just funny and honest.
Him: You can’t be yourself over text women must be stupid if they think you can
(Yep, he just called me and a lot of other women stupid.)
Me: I guess I’m one of the stupid ones then.
(He proceeded to carry on with his rant. I won’t bore you with it. My recommendation was that he took some time out from dating)
But then I’m no one to judge. Some of my first messages have been cringe! And for that I apologise to any guy I messaged first. It didn’t end well.
Did you know I write erotic romance? You can find my stories either by going to the books page on this site or by clicking here.